Un natural death
Well I've been following the Mighty for a while and at times you have been my saviour for that I thank you all. I'm a 56 Yr old woman with #3 children 18 almost, 21 and my daughter who Is 19..almost. ( guess you could say I am her Foster mum.. without the Financial support) but that's irrespective.
I didn't start having my family till I was 35 so a late starter. Married then, husband turned out to be an alcoholic.. but because of my serious attempt at ending it all.. he couldn't forgive me. So once I was able too I left. My bipolar was always being used as a threat if I tried to get full custody. To be honest the chn. Didn't deserve to be denied their dad or mum. It wasn't there fault we couldn't work our marriage out. I had a good career 15 yrs, managing a care home. Can't say it's been down hill since then but it has. Feel I need to hide my illness until recently. I know full well it was that they saw first not the person. I have no friends, no partner, I seek emotional and physical support from strangers and unless I offer sex even that isn't on the cards.
#I want to die, I hate the pain I constantly carry around because of my bipolar.
I have been relatively high functioning compared to some folk.
Despite not being diagnosed till I was in my 40's and a spell in hospital. I know I won't live for many more years. Its becoming too much of a challenge to keep putting on my masks. I now work as a Funeral Arranger have done for 5 yrs. It's kept me alive. Seeing what the grief does yo others has stopped me from putting my family through it. But I've just had to reduce my hours, it's not the job it's me... I am less capable, making more mistakes, my hypersexuality is worse, not managing my home, my self and feel so very alone.
I recently reached out to the local mental health team but just had meds changed. No one to see face to face, to hug and say it's OK. So I know that I will end up taking my own life because its just to impossible to live it. Might not be this month but I'm spiralling down more and more each time when I have a relapse.
It's the pain of living... the constant chatter in my head, the anxiety of knowing I can't cope and do it alone. So yes one day I will die and it will be of un natural causes. #Suicide # because its the only way to stop this pain.
I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm full of self pity but I really am trying but it just gets harder and harder and harder to live with day in, day out for what. I am alone and unless you have bipolar you wouldn't and won't understand.
× Pick 3 Wishe's That You Dream To Have × #BrainQuestGame
× My Three Wishe's Would Be... #1 To Have A Peaceful Life With No Stress.. From My Physical x Mental Health. × #2 To STOP My Brain From Constant Worrying.. Because That Has Been My Entire Existence.. Worrying About Thing's x Other's. #3 I Understand That This Last Wish Is NOT Important But It Is To Me " LOVE " I Have Never Experienced It Only From 4 Important People In My Life..My Beautiful Baby Boy Leo x My Father Who I Lost At Just 6 Year's Old From Cancer. × My Amazing Older Twin Brother × My Other Older Brother Who Sadly Passed Away In His Sleep From A Heart Attack.. x So My Question To All You Amazing Mightie's Out There.. What Are Your Top 3 Wishe's. × #BrainQuestGame Sincerly, ☆ S.K. ☆
I wouldn't have to write this only cause I'm that desperate to seek for help..
To tell you my story in summary, my mom & dad died early when I'm still young. I was living with my grandmother and disabled uncle, but unfortunately, my uncle passed away last month and my grandmother last October 6, 2021.. I'm 19 now and haven't gone to college yet and struggling to find a job.
Now, i have older siblings, 3 brothers and 1 sister almost same age as mine. My brothers can stand on their own feet but unfortunately, cannot support me and my sister. My sister is 21 now and shes also struggling to find a job and haven't gone to college yet like me. Now, my relatives has been willing to help, but with condition..
1st, they're only willing to support ME, and not my sister.. considering that they know I cannot leave my sister or even my siblings.. they decided to make me live on my relative- my aunt's house far far away..
They told me I would live better off on my aunt's house so I would have a good life, they will give me everything for free, like their own..
But, the thing is, I cannot leave this house where i grew up in, I cannot leave my siblings mostly my sister who has the same situation as mine.. I want us to have equal rights to recieve help from my realtives.. and not only to me.
But, if I refuse their offer, they would have to forget us and leave us fall into despair, they will cut their support on us and leave us alone..
They said they're already giving me an opportunity, to study and live a better life on my aunt's house.. but if I refuse it, they have no choice but to cut off ties..
I told them, if you're willing to support me, I wouldn't have to go to my aunt's house.. This is where I belong with my siblings. But they laughed at me saying that won't work, because they know I will share my blessings to my siblings, mostly to my sister, but they don't want it, they only want to help me and not them..
How unfair and bias is it? and i don't know what to decide.. I'm just so pressured having to leave this house and my siblings, I don't know what lies ahead on my aunt's house.. would they abuse me? would they make me their nanny? i just felt like they know we dont have a choice but to follow them because #1 they're older, #2 because they're my grandma's sons and daughter and so they have the right to posses anything from my grandma and uncle's belongings, but then they're giving it to us but with a condition, #3 because they know we are helpless. I dont know what to do.. but all i know is i dont want to live in anyone's house permanently just because of wanting to get something which i know wouldn't be healthy for me..
But I know what I want.. to still stay in this house and them supporting us willingly without conditions. But that's not an option.. either to choose them? or still choose to live in this house with my siblings without anyone's support..
Any suggestions and help would be a Big impact in my life. I have 3 days to decide :(
This is my story
Medical Highlight #3
Presenting (drum role please): Dr. Leonidas Harris Berry
-Was a Gastroenterologist & first African-American doctor hired at Michael Reese Hospital in Chicago
-Organized Flying Black Medics to bring healthcare to a remote part of Illinois called Cairo
-Received degrees from Wilberforce University, University of Chicago, Rush Medical College, and University of Illinois