TW: binge eating
I have struggled with a binge eating disorder since I was a child. I was shamed for the way I looked, how/what I ate, how much/how little I ate, my eating habits etc by my parents all too often. This caused me to hide my eating habits under the guise of darkness. I would binge like crazy at nighttime when no one could see me.
I have always been a picky eater and still receive a lot of shame and embarrassment for it. I don’t understand this. What does it matter to anyone how I eat? It’s fucking comical, it literally does not majorly affect anyone else, most of the time. And yet people are often so bothered, opinionated, and judgemental about it.
I guess I have been under more stress lately. I just made a major career change. Money is tight. I never sleep enough. It seems like i always have a thousand pressing deadlines to meet. Our toilet has been leaking for months and i just haven’t had the motivation to fix it. It’s disgusting and embarrassing. It’s depressing. Our drains are clogged and don’t drain well but we don’t have the motivation to snake the drains. It’s hard sometimes being neuro divergent.
My stomach aches because of how much I have stuffed myself. But i get such euphoria when I do. I don’t get enough alone time during the day to do the things I enjoy. I feel like i never get enough dopamine which leads me to seek it through bingeing. But i could spend all day to myself and it still not be enough. What is wrong with me? How do I fill this bottomless pit? I am at a loss.
#BingeEatingDisorder
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