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#MentalHealth You know there was a twitter meme the other day and it was something like “When you overestimate or underestimate your presence in peoples lives” something like that and while I went heeheehee same time I was going “it’s not really a joke though”. Because when people treat you like they do….it doesn’t take long to figure out where you belong. How you fit into their lives. If they engage with you a lot or if they only keep you around for specific things.
I thought I had a place in his life. I thought I had enough meaning in his life. Like he did mine. Like he wasn’t the #1 thing like he wasn’t ….light. And sun. And I get it ok I get I idolized him too much I get I cut him off I know I was …I know it was bad. But I cared. I cared with everything I had and to not see that returned at all. Not even an apology or excuse or a goodbye or a single “**** you” to show what I at least meant …
It was like that was it. He has the final say. I don’t belong, I don’t matter, I am expendable and small and pathetic and I am everything that everyone says I am but HE has the last word. His voice carried more weight than anyone else. And he saw me and stripped me of what little I had left.
I don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore. I feel the friendliness and kindness but I no longer hold onto it with the strength that I did. Because it’s fleeting because it’s not real because it’s limited because people are lying because He made it clear how people really see me. That is a lot of power in someone’s hand but no one seems to understand that. He had the final say so. He has the final word. He was my FP. And FP’s carry so much weight in our lives and minds and our souls. He took my entire essence and smiled. Before rendering it to dust. And I let him because I had no say so. I had no voice. There is no voice in that grief. There is no voice in that loss.

I wake up fighting a losing battle, not against anyone but myself. I go through each day saying exactly what everyone expects me to say, never revealing my true identity. It makes me sick Truthfully, no one wants to hear anything negative, but yet they want to bitch about some stupid BS that doesn’t mean 2 shits to anyone.
If people weren’t so wrapped up in their own lives, someone might actually be concerned.
One thing is for certain, you do harm to yourself, they jump to moments to criticize and make you feel like you’re selfish, non- caring or just a piece of shit for thinking of no one else but yourself!
I wish I could put myself #1 , I’m tired of faking my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts… it drains the life out of me .
I literally have to take on another personality just to be able to cope with people, she is strong, she is beautiful, and she doesn’t give a fuck!
So, you do you, do what you have to do to get through every single day… no one knows your story, honestly, no one cares!!! May you find peace and happiness…. ✌️ #

So, I had previously been working on writing a book. About my 14 months of a toxic abusive relationship and how it affected not only me but so many others. Also, about my healing process. I had to stop as it was bringing to much back all at once. Especially since I was using pen to paper. Rough draft #1 , then editing it and rewriting for draft #2 . Some of the situations I had endured caused me agonizing flashbacks after I was able to get out of that relationship. Hour long, I was physically fighting what my head was remembering. Only I didn't have visual flashbacks. They were emotional ones. Much harder to realize it's not real. I only saw gray but had this all consuming fear come over me that I couldn't fight or try to control. Anyway, the editing was bringing to much to fast and I started to disassociate more frequently as my brain was trying to protect itself. Triggers I've long since be able to control were throwing me for a loop. So for my mental health I knew I needed a break. Now I started processing the idea of a book 9 months ago. I hope to bring more awareness out to the public about the tragedy of abuse, I hope to bring anyone who is still suffering in an abusive relationship hope, inspiration and to know they aren't the only ones. Lastly I'm also doing it to aid in my healing journey. I've been out of that situation since November 6, 2020 so it's around 2 1/2 years. I have had extensive therapy, 3 different ways. I know it's very hard to start talking about the hell I went through, yet the more I bring out any certain situation or trauma the less hold it has over me. Ah, sorry I got caught up in the moment. But my little light bulb went off when I was at mom's last week and I was staring off in space and it hit me! She has an older model, still working desk top computer. I asked if I could use it to type out my book. She said that was fine. (She never uses it anyways). Then mentioned she doesn't have a printer, how was I planning on getting it off the computer. I told her I would get a flash drive and download it on that. Then take that to get printed. That first time on it typing, I had been working for around an hour to stop and make us a sandwich and chips. Cleaned everything up and went back to work. She got my attention finally and said she thinks I need to take a break before I lock up my back or hips. I looked up and then around. Noting that the lighting was different. I had been typing for over 2 hours. Yes I was very stiff. But but typing I can add in anytime, anywhere. I don't have to keep rewriting the same things. Which is awesome because I decided to really tell my story I had to start when tragedy first came across my path as how that affected the rest of my life.

Anyway, thanks for listening/reading my feelings. God Bless everyone!

- I’m not able to distract myself with flashy things or convince myself that my life got fixed. The truth of my mental and emotional state stares me right in the face, and I do wonder what always makes me want to avoid it.

- having more money gives me still a lot of stress. Then I stress about why to spend in on and whether that was right. Or whether saving x amount was right.

- it made me more okay with people not wanting to interact with me if I don’t have what they value.

- it gave me a bit thicker skin towards societies views and opinions

- with my mind being scrambled eggs I’m limited as to all the stupid and immature things I could do

- I’m bugging less people

- it saves me the responsibility time and energy in terms of managing and dealing with other people and authorities

- I feel less burdened by the lack of others since I’m among them. So I feel less responsible for others lack

- it makes me less responsible for transforming the planet into a better place

- it fits the level of competence that I currently have

- I don’t even like to deal with money so it’s nice not to have to deal with it a lot

- I have to fear less whether my investments are justified. Again.

- I love the simplicity and it’s all I can handle right now

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Atleast 3 ways in which cowardice can be a good thing
- it makes me hyper attuned to my surroundings

- potential danger is hard for me to miss, so there’s a potential to actually mentally and emotionally work through any situation that I think might be bad, and as a result become a person who can only act in alignment, and move as a more peaceful human being.

- it makes me accompany fear a lot and learn how fear itself is not bad or the thing to fight. Being a coward it has taught me that it’s often times an under valued misunderstood feeling and mechanism that deserves as much love and attention as any other feeling and mechanism like love and joy.

- it makes me want to include and understand other peoples fear and would make me less of a bulldozer and bypasser. So I would developer the potential of being present with peoples freeze, and peoples fear without needing it to go away, or change.
- I won’t have to stop disconnecting from people when they feel fear since I’d be okay with and accustomed to it.

- it makes me understand others who are like that and have compassion instead of looking down on others who aren’t brave courageous or successful.

- less likely to take reckless and impulsive active actions that could get me into trouble in the physical world

- it means that I’m good at measuring power, which can be utilised in amazing ways. When one knows where power(the ability to create what is wanted) lies, it’s easier to find resources and especially resource people, and also makes me good at noticing peoples strengths and weaknesses. Helpful for others and helpful for me.

- it makes it harder for me to enable people doing things that are wrong for the, since their area of power is so incredibly apparent to me

- I move physically less which is nice for the over populated planet

- it helped me consider not having kids which is also nice for the planet.

- brave people might be inspired into transformation by experiences, but I get inspired to do it though fear and worry, in the end I get there too but the way is different.

- I know like no other how it feels to feel incapable which makes me less of a jeez why aren’t you just doing it I’m doing it person

- one can’t know what is black without knowing white, and as such by being an emotional/mental/physical/ coward I know what it’s like to be brave in all these areas, unlike a person who always has been a brave and courageous person. There’s tremendous meaning in there for me too.

- I don’t need to actually go outside to find things to work on internally so I can be comfy in my bed and work literally from whenever I have time wherever I have time, I’m not dependent on life giving me anything to agonise over at all, I’m plenty sufficient at doing that myself.
- of my mind can generate cowardice this powerfully, to the point I don’t live my life and am in my house all the time, then it can generate bravery and courage just as strongly as well.

- I always, have more to gain

- since I’m afraid all the time it also makes me recognise how I can learn from literally anyone and anything at anytime. There’s a humbleness in it. Clearly I don’t know it all. There’s a space that’s being opened to become an eternal student instead of a teacher which is very gentle soft and kind

- it makes me walk the planet a bit more gently and considerate

- it makes me open for things people normally wouldn’t want to consider which has added wildly interesting things to my life, since I’m pretty much in fear already there’s not much to lose perspective wise

- cowardice can be a good ego gate keeper cause it’ll always notice my place and when someone else in the moment is more superior than me (like in maybe skill, knowledge etc) which can upon notice be used as a temple bell to shift into openness to learn from them and or receive

- being very rigid in my mind being a coward gives me a lot of opportunity to keep trying with questioning my beliefs so it’s a wonderful ally to the imbalances that I currently have

- it gives someone else a moment to shine

- it gives me time to do other things than being busy being a leader which I’m not very interested in. Without my cowardice I might have never noticed that a lot of things in my life are not for me, and guides me towards what is for me.

- it’s been helping me come to terms with things I can’t control, and accept that pain and death in ways I didn’t want could happen. The acceptance of that brings a wonderful grace ironically. And an appreciation. A relief that I don’t control my life and how my death happens even when I think I do. Such a relief.

- I don’t control anything and it’s a relief, is what it is. Even in mt relationships I can only do my best but I can’t control the actual outcome of it.

- it gives me time and space to admire the bravery of other humans and beings.

- there’s a part of me that values what’s right for me or someone else more than my pride in that, like it’s not shameful to that part to end soemthing, quit or leave a situation, there’s a wisdom of stillness in it. Going forward isn’t always the right thing. And it teaches me there’s never a safety net. All I can do is accept what’s gonna come, and that the worst thing that can ever happen is just a thought anyway.

- because I’m too afraid to move I sometimes move inward, and it has shifted some things in ways I’m very grateful for. Or made me decide to make a different decision, something I didn’t consider if I wasn’t forced to deal with my fear first.

- it makes me like myself a lot more when I actually deal with and am in a good unconditional relationship with fear instead of bulldozing it. I’m glad that cowardice is like a partner that makes me work with it first before doing anything else. I like living in that way and if it wasn’t for my cowardice I don’t think I would’ve done it. I like how much more kind it makes me to myself and other people when I do work with it.

- I love how much kindness and empathy and compassion it evokes when I do work with it, no human being can be too bad or monstrous in that and I love that, it makes me connected with everyone and everything. Instead of wondering if I belong to people, if they love me, if they _____ it’ll make me say all people belong with me. Etc.

- it makes me inclusive instead of exclusive. Funny enough it might be the fastest route to everything I’ve ever wanted because all I wanted most, is to regain those qualities. Maybe living bravely in the world wouldn’t have done it for me who knows. Maybe this way is the most meaningful for me.

- it makes me think of solutions that aren’t violent. It brings a softness.

- in situations where a person shouldn’t overstep, I’m the gal to call

- there’s a natural pull to stillness. Which if developed more could make me a combination of both movement and stillness. Or movement out of stillness. A walking temple.

- I might get so tired of the me story over and over again that I relinquish it.

- there’s something very strong and fierce in stillness, opening up and giving my self up. It opens me up to become a vehicle instead of a me.

- is disrupts the me cause all of a sudden there’s a focus on outside the me.

- it makes other people seem like geniuses when solutions for me are so simple. Gives me trust in others.

- makes me rely on others and receive support connection and companionship. Reminds me of my interdependence which is a sweet place to be in.

I'm in a position that idk can't find a light at the end of the tunnel! I am 44 I have a son who is autistic ADHD and ODD I have been on a downward spiral since 2013 and I can not find myself (my identity) I can't work because of my son disability (the school will only keep him for 4 hours a day and I am currently aty parents and some parents AREN'T good for people (you know what I mean) they made me move in with them last year (I didn't want to) because my son and I were homeless and I knew what was going to happen and that is why I did not want to I knew that I was going to be any in the situation I am now which is I'm about to be homeless again cuz they don't want me here so why didn't they just leave me be honest a year ago instead of bringing me in no positive feedback no knowing what to do next any advice nothing! They say they are my support but I don't think this is support ACTUALLY I KNOW IT ISN'T! I have been in trouble a couple times in my life legally and that is what's stopping me from applying for housing cuz #1 they are very opinionated and they will make sure that I feel some sort of way about it like I don't already do #2 I can't make any money because I can't work so Cade:s (myson) SSI is the only income that I have $900 a month and that's about a month's rent I need some advice I feel like I'm left one option and it's only because my mental disability and I've always been suicidal! I need to know what I can do to make this work for me somehow because I'm bombarded and I can't be straight so somebody can give me some advice about whether it's going to cost to turn myself in on a warrant for missing court dure to no ride and no sitter, tbh it doesn't matter why really I also have a warrant in Iowa because last year when I was homeless with my son I was kicked out of somewhere and it was zero degrees outside and when my ride showed up I just jumped in the car but my son in the car and went left and I didn't have him restrained in the seat ( mind you he was 9) when a piece officer pulled us over and give me a ticket and I was brought to my parents before I could go to Court (also I could not tell my parents about it because they are so judgmental and I can't do anything right so I was unable to make it to my court date so now I have a warrant there too, this is what stopping me from playing for housing I know I will be arrested I feel like I have no way out because I don't make any money I don't know how I can pay fines I don't know how I can do anything! I've been at my parents for the past year I feel like they have been shoving me on anybody to get me out of here and obviously no one wants somebody you can't even save themselves I need help with hole I'm in I've been looking for many different options since my son's autistic help with financially getting me out of here help with disciplining him ( because me being here for the past year that's what brought on the odd because you can't discipline a child when you're family belittles you in front of your children I've got to get out of here I do not want this to be where I end my life I'm reaching out one last time I have a day set the time set if I don't have a light or a Epiphany or something, this is the end

#don 't tell me what to do!!!!