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I work as a home health aid. I go to a lady's house for 2 hours.
We mostly talk for 2 hours, I am
mostly company for her. She mostly talks about her life with her husband and different things about her family. I am not a big talker. Her husband died 2 years ago. He was her #1 priority. It is hard for her. The issue is she always talks about the current events she doesn't like in the country. Usually the negative ones. She can be extremely opinionated, and thinks she right.
I joked a couple times and said she should run for Mayor. I couldn't take it today. She was so extreme and thought her way was the only way. I said she focusing on negative and I wouldn't like seeing her blood pressure go up. Than another tirade of stuff. Does anyone have any suggestions of what I can do to steer her away from current events. It started getting better after I said something about her blood pressure. She said she wasn't upset. She probably wasn't. But I had to try something. Then we talked about pet dogs. I don't have much to say, because I go to bed early and only see friends once or 2 x a week.

So yesterday I washed the dishes, did my laundry, put away food in tupperwares, finished everything I had to do work-related too, and I even did my eyebrows and organized my tasks succesfully, but all I could think of is about that one tupperware I could've sworn I washed but in the end I didn't, and I put the food in anyway thinking it was clean. Out of all the damn tupperwares I washed and filled with food succesfully, I couldn't stop thinking about that one that I forgot to wash. That's literally all I could think of right before bed, overthinking about it until I fell asleep.

My therapist told me I do that a lot and he's right: I keep doing things the right way and accomplishing little things day by day but I always bring up the things I'm not doing right. Yesterday I was able to identify that behaviour but I couldn't do anything but think about that one tiny little thing I didn't do. Today, I decided to leave that behind and fucking appreciate the things I accomplished. Sure, doing the dishes, doing my eyebrows, putting away food in the fridge and organizing my daily tasks sound simple: I guess that's what people usually do all the time, but for us struggling with some kind of mental illness, we know it's a big step to take the initiative to do all those things. But even if we do 9 things right out of the 10 things we did, we always overthinkg about that one thing. Anxiety takes over and then you wonder if you're actually making things happen. Today I say we turn the page and start channeling our energy on congratulating ourselves for all those small steps we take to get better, to be better.

We gotta find a way to stop beating ourselves up for "not doing enough" because doing "enough" is relative and very different for each one of us: I bet for someone here right now, waking up and getting out of bed is already a big accomplishment, and that should be celebrated. For someone else, going to work is already a big step forward, and we should be proud of that. If someone close to you, that you know is struggling, shares that they got to wash the dishes and fold their laundry, I bet we would never be like "hey that's nothing, what about that one shirt you didn't fold, and that one tupperware you forgot to wash. What's wrong with you? Finish what you started." Instead, since we are good people and we are empathetic, we would celebrate their milestones and encourage them to keep going and to keep trying. We would be very patient and understanding and would never highlight the things they did wrong because after all, they did their best. So why do we keep treating ourselves that way? Beating ourselves up for the things we still have to work on?

So I'd like to invite you to treat yourself as a friend, exactly as how you'd treat a loved one. If you need to have a conversation with yourself, go on. Talk to yourself nicely, patiently, as how you'd talk to your best friend when they're feeling down. After all, we live inside our head all the time and we've got to make ammends with older versions of ourselves that were just trying their best, and encourage of current version to keep on taking those little steps towards feeling better and doing better. Sure, we can rely on our close ones too, but I can't stress enough how important it is to be able to rely on ourselves too whenever we need some encouragement or even a shoulder to cry on. Of course it's not easy, but we're getting there, and talking to ourselves in a kindly manner is a great start to be our #1 fan. Sounds cringy and a little corny, but we gotta try. If not us, who? and if not now, when?

#CheckInWithMe #CheerMeOn #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #PersonalityDisorders #ADHD

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#MentalHealth You know there was a twitter meme the other day and it was something like “When you overestimate or underestimate your presence in peoples lives” something like that and while I went heeheehee same time I was going “it’s not really a joke though”. Because when people treat you like they do….it doesn’t take long to figure out where you belong. How you fit into their lives. If they engage with you a lot or if they only keep you around for specific things.
I thought I had a place in his life. I thought I had enough meaning in his life. Like he did mine. Like he wasn’t the #1 thing like he wasn’t ….light. And sun. And I get it ok I get I idolized him too much I get I cut him off I know I was …I know it was bad. But I cared. I cared with everything I had and to not see that returned at all. Not even an apology or excuse or a goodbye or a single “**** you” to show what I at least meant …
It was like that was it. He has the final say. I don’t belong, I don’t matter, I am expendable and small and pathetic and I am everything that everyone says I am but HE has the last word. His voice carried more weight than anyone else. And he saw me and stripped me of what little I had left.
I don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore. I feel the friendliness and kindness but I no longer hold onto it with the strength that I did. Because it’s fleeting because it’s not real because it’s limited because people are lying because He made it clear how people really see me. That is a lot of power in someone’s hand but no one seems to understand that. He had the final say so. He has the final word. He was my FP. And FP’s carry so much weight in our lives and minds and our souls. He took my entire essence and smiled. Before rendering it to dust. And I let him because I had no say so. I had no voice. There is no voice in that grief. There is no voice in that loss.

I wake up fighting a losing battle, not against anyone but myself. I go through each day saying exactly what everyone expects me to say, never revealing my true identity. It makes me sick Truthfully, no one wants to hear anything negative, but yet they want to bitch about some stupid BS that doesn’t mean 2 shits to anyone.
If people weren’t so wrapped up in their own lives, someone might actually be concerned.
One thing is for certain, you do harm to yourself, they jump to moments to criticize and make you feel like you’re selfish, non- caring or just a piece of shit for thinking of no one else but yourself!
I wish I could put myself #1 , I’m tired of faking my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts… it drains the life out of me .
I literally have to take on another personality just to be able to cope with people, she is strong, she is beautiful, and she doesn’t give a fuck!
So, you do you, do what you have to do to get through every single day… no one knows your story, honestly, no one cares!!! May you find peace and happiness…. ✌️ #

So, I had previously been working on writing a book. About my 14 months of a toxic abusive relationship and how it affected not only me but so many others. Also, about my healing process. I had to stop as it was bringing to much back all at once. Especially since I was using pen to paper. Rough draft #1 , then editing it and rewriting for draft #2 . Some of the situations I had endured caused me agonizing flashbacks after I was able to get out of that relationship. Hour long, I was physically fighting what my head was remembering. Only I didn't have visual flashbacks. They were emotional ones. Much harder to realize it's not real. I only saw gray but had this all consuming fear come over me that I couldn't fight or try to control. Anyway, the editing was bringing to much to fast and I started to disassociate more frequently as my brain was trying to protect itself. Triggers I've long since be able to control were throwing me for a loop. So for my mental health I knew I needed a break. Now I started processing the idea of a book 9 months ago. I hope to bring more awareness out to the public about the tragedy of abuse, I hope to bring anyone who is still suffering in an abusive relationship hope, inspiration and to know they aren't the only ones. Lastly I'm also doing it to aid in my healing journey. I've been out of that situation since November 6, 2020 so it's around 2 1/2 years. I have had extensive therapy, 3 different ways. I know it's very hard to start talking about the hell I went through, yet the more I bring out any certain situation or trauma the less hold it has over me. Ah, sorry I got caught up in the moment. But my little light bulb went off when I was at mom's last week and I was staring off in space and it hit me! She has an older model, still working desk top computer. I asked if I could use it to type out my book. She said that was fine. (She never uses it anyways). Then mentioned she doesn't have a printer, how was I planning on getting it off the computer. I told her I would get a flash drive and download it on that. Then take that to get printed. That first time on it typing, I had been working for around an hour to stop and make us a sandwich and chips. Cleaned everything up and went back to work. She got my attention finally and said she thinks I need to take a break before I lock up my back or hips. I looked up and then around. Noting that the lighting was different. I had been typing for over 2 hours. Yes I was very stiff. But but typing I can add in anytime, anywhere. I don't have to keep rewriting the same things. Which is awesome because I decided to really tell my story I had to start when tragedy first came across my path as how that affected the rest of my life.

Anyway, thanks for listening/reading my feelings. God Bless everyone!