A letter to my younger self:
Your feelings are real, oh how I wish I could feel. You are unaware of what’s to come..
You are broken I know, unexplainable feelings of woe.
There’s nothing I can say that would prepare you for the consistency of pain. You’re about to face the demons you have already gained.
They are the reasons you act this way, and wanting to live is a hard price to pay. Bottles of pills may be the only way to quit, but waking up alive is worse I’ll admit.
There are friends in this world of deceit: addiction, obsession and co dependency is sweet.
Once love is found its too good to be true, they will use you and loath you and hate you too.
There is no pity for someone like me, cause my feelings are locked away with a key. I don’t show suffering or even a peep but on the inside I’m drowning in an ocean of weep.
They tell me sleep is for the weak and I’ll take my dosage but the demon under my bed is holding me hostage.
Dig yourself a safe hole, and every day, add some sand and some soil and soon you’ll be closer to not living at all.
Remember to be scared, be very afraid, of things that attract you into changing your ways. It will always find a way to burn you for the words that you say.
“Do you see that I’m sad, that I’m suffering with depression?” But everyone thinks I can just learn from this lesson.
Move on, move forward, open your eyelids. “Oh don’t worry dad I’ll just keep it quite.. I’m used to dealing with things at my highest”. Don’t send me away, I promise to behave, I’ll do anything not to be brainwashed or put on display.
I manage my feelings in the best way I know, i can shape-shift in ways that can be moulded like dough. I’m always alright, I swear I’m okay, have you ever experienced misery on replay?
I’ll stay inside I won’t go out in the cold, I think I’m too young to be acting this old. They will control you and you will comply it’s better then burying their bodies nearby.
Mikaela de Bruyn
#quiteBPD
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#PTSD
#ChronicDepression
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