recoveringaddict

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Grief

First time posting.
I guess you could say I am a newbie to the ME world. I am newly diagnosed but of course symptoms had been going on for awhile. At some point waiting for a diagnosis I gave up hope of getting better. I go back and forth with acceptance, which I know the process of grieving is not always linear. Its been hitting me hard the last few days. Im homebound except to doctors appts and a monthly visit to my parents when my husband can drive me.
I was a nurse for 13 years and had to give up Hospice nursing because my body physically couldn't take it and I felt like my head was full of static all of the time. I guess that was the beginning. I then took a job as a triage nurse in an office when my life came to a hault.
Recently my husband and I have been talking about getting me a wheelchair for when I go to the doctors because it is becoming such a struggle. Acknowledging this is where I am at 34 has got me in my feels. I guess I've gotten use to needing so much help inside my home, but out in the world feels like another thing. I broke down and ugly cried the other night because all I want to do is go to Disneyland and see Blink 182 in concert. I've seen Blink 4 other times but that doesnt matter, I want the ability to go. My mom is planning a girls trip with my sister and nieces to Disneyland and when they were told, my youngest niece asked "does aunt stephy get to go with us?" 😭 Thinking of going to a concert or a theme park makes me exhausted and it hurts me to my core knowing its not possible.
I am a recovering addict and the pandemic allowed me to learn how to sit by myself. I was able to heal a lot from an abusive marriage. As soon as I started to love my life for the first time ever, boom. I feel like throwing myself on the ground and having a toddler tantrum fit. If only I was able to get back up.
I needed to get this out to people who understood. Just like in NA, there is a theraputic value of someone knowing and being able to empathize, not just sympathize, what another person has gone through makes a difference.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #recoveringaddict #Grief #RN

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I’m a worthless POS again…

According to my husband. He lashed out on me because of something the “normal” person would have just left it alone. It’s almost everything I do, everything I say… he always has an answer for it. I’m a recovering addict and I’ve been clean now for well over 60 days. You’d think he’d be happy that I’m in my right mind and taking the prior steps to better myself but nope that’s not the case. I had some clean laundry to fold on the couch and had left it there for few days because sometimes it’s hard for me just to get out of bed because of my MDD and anxiety disorders so I try and do what I can nd he knows it. I thought when I turned my life around there would be no more excuses really to put me down but damn I was wrong. I have no friends, to him he doesn’t want me to make any mot likely for the fear of going back out. But I need emotional support. He’s supposed to be my anchor, my go to person, not the person who I’ve been married to for 14 years who I can’t even have a convo with him because what I say is pointless pretty much. I came on here to express my feelings. I have no one else. It’s been hard. I thought getting clean not only for myself woulkd be full of happiness but I was wrong. I’m currently unemployed due to health issues and he doesn’t mind me staying home but I’m beginning to think he’s got me right where he wants me, no matter if I do something right or wrong. Thanks for listening for this who took the time out of their day to hear me out. It means the world to me. #Narcisist #recoveringaddict #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #PanicAttacks

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