reversecultureshock

I don't even know anymore what's wrong with me. I met someone new when I was shopping at a second hand store this afternoon and he suggested going to get a coffee - I think we were both lonely for different reasons. He asked if I was busy and I couldn't even sort out in my head what that meant. I have zero social plans ever these days, but somehow the thought of trying to "fit" a coffee into my completely empty schedule felt overwhelming and impossible. I just needed to rush home to watch Netflix all evening.

I think I've been lonely for so long that it barely even registers anymore.

I think I've been quietly losing access to things I used to love for so long that now when I could access them again I don't even care to.

I think I've forgotten what a full and fulfilling life is even like.

And I don't even care about any of this. I thought I was just depressed and dealing with past trauma, but maybe I'm also burned out. I've lived in six countries in the past six years - I've said hello and goodbye to hundreds of dear people - I've adapted to new situations - I've changed my diet to adjust to locally available foods - I've chosen different clothes to reflect the styles of where I was living - I've accepted restrictions and limitations because I'm a single woman, because I don't speak the language fluently, because I've been far from home.

And now I'm considered to be "home" and I don't know what to do with myself. I don't even know what I like anymore. I don't really have any hobbies besides cooking and watching Netflix. I don't know how to make small talk because nothing in my life has been small. I can barely cope with working 30 hours/week and have no idea how I'd manage a full time job. My cognitive function has significantly decreased and I can't do my job like I used to be able to do.

Am I burnt out? What do I do if I am?

#Burnout #Depression #lonely #reversecultureshock #home

I just watched a movie on Netflix called Carrie Pilby. During the movie, her therapist keeps telling her that she is allowed to be happy. Towards the end as I had tears coming to my eyes, I realized that what I want to be allowed to do right now is to be sad.

I don't feel like I can express any emotions freely while living with Grandma, and I especially can't cry. Everything that I do ends up getting told to anyone and everyone she talks to on the phone or communicates with on Facebook, and I just don't need that. I want some privacy.

I came back to my home country after nearly six years abroad and I am not happy. I don't think the same way as people here after my experiences, but I am expected to because this is my home country. I miss my friends and my independent life abroad. I miss feeling valued. I miss being able to be invisible. I miss not having to apologize for being uncommunicative (because I don't speak the language well). I miss feeling like I had a purpose in life and that I had many possible good futures. I really miss having my own apartment.

I want to be sad. I want to cry loudly and have red eyes in the morning. I want to feel free to just have the emotions that I have.

I guess I'm not as emotionally numb as I thought I was...

#sad #lonely #Family #emotionallynumb #Depression #Anxiety #reversecultureshock

I moved back to my home country in December after nearly six years of work and travel abroad with frequent big transitions. I knew that it would take a while for the shoe to drop, before the big overwhelming reality of it all would hit me. With the pandemic, maybe it was delayed, or maybe it was hastened - I don't know. But here I am, now.

I think what I want most of all is something small and controlled. Something that I can build into for a while until it gets really good. Something manageable. Something I don't have to leave behind in six months or a year.

In some ways, I guess my life right now is small and manageable since I'm isolating with my Grandma in her apartment. But it's temporary and transient and nothing is sure. I want this to be OK. I want this to work out and to be able to wrap my head around everything, but how am I supposed to "transition" when there is nothing stable to transition to?

#overwhelmed #reversecultureshock #transitions #Depression