Social Phobia

Lately Depression has really kicked my butt.

Since Wednesday I’ve been feeling hopeless, sad and down. On the day itself I had tried to get work at an local flower shop but was rejected.
I have other options but I don’t really wanna do anything…

Im overwhelmed by all the doctors appointments and life in general and at the same time bored out of my mind when I don’t have anything „productive“ to do in my day.
At the same time I’m overly exhausted and just the thought of socialising makes me sick.
Here in lies my dilemma. If I isolate myself further the fear only grows…

My therapist recommended working an honorary post for free but I just can’t bring myself to do research. I don’t wanna socialise and I can’t imaginiert there’s a job that doesn’t require it. (Originally I thought I could give private lessons for pupils but I can’t do that right now…)
I’d rather avoid everything.

My mom keeps pressuring me but at the same time she allows me to stay at home when I have so many doctors appointments.

Also I’m really worried about the freezing episodes. In June I was still working at walking distance from home. The freezing episodes happened regularly once I had arrived at home.
Adrenalin was the factor that made sure they only happen at home.

Still I’m afraid that if I work somewhere farer away they will happen again at the train station…
(There’s an rescue station for bats Id be interested in but it’s far away so a no go.)

So yeah I’m a bit torn inside.
And I would be happy for advise.

[Picture from Yuris Alhumaydy, Unsplash]

#MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #CPTSD #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #SocialPhobia

Today it happened again.

I was going home from therapy and many factors lead to the next paralysis episode in public.
I was in luck that I had informed my mother so she could pick me up.

I’m experienced with the whole process and the pain that comes with it, so it’s not that scary.
What terrifies me about ”freezing up“ in public are the people.
I can’t tell them that this is my new ”normal“ for me… I can’t react to their prying eyes, answer their questions or tell them that it will go away with time. I can’t stop them from calling ambulance or tell them that it’s not an epileptic seizure.
I can’t stop them from coming to close or touching me.
I’m totally helpless.

So I got home alright, my mom found me and helped me walk.
But still…
Everything tensed up, my hand turned blue.
My left arm is always cramping more than the right. I’m not sure why.
My muscles are still tensed and sore and I have a big tension headache.

This Friday I have an appointment with an neurologist, to rule out epilepsy.

I’m 99% sure it’s just psychosomatic as I can still understand everything that’s happening around me and it’s always triggered by emotional overwhelm.

It’s ”just“ a dissociation motor disorder…
Still this is scary.

And the biggest problem for me is not knowing how long this will last.
There are not enough studies about the disorder.
It can last between weeks or even years.
I’ve had it for nearly 4 months now…

And it’s getting exhausting.

Hopefully the mental health clinic can help with it all…

I just need to hold on.

Update: I still have a tension headache a day later and my muscles are sore.

[Picture by Europeana, Unsplash]

#MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #CPTSD #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #SocialPhobia #Catatonia #DissociationDisorders #dissociativedisorders

I did it.
Today I finally sung without caring that people could listen. Wich hasn’t happened for a long time.

For months depression and anxiety stole my voice.
After a time I slowly sang again.
But only in our cellar, in our small sauna, which is somewhat soundproof.
And even then I made sure that no one was in the house that would obviously judge me.
This comes from an overly critical mother wich a much different voice type that I always tried to match and other family members who joked about it…

So today I just sang.
I sang in the kitchen while unloading the dishwasher, while the window was half opened and my parents were home.

Later I went downstairs into the cellar to sing.
So I was finally bold and could sing all the songs I loved in full volume.

I guess the confidence boost comes from finally discovering wich musical role my voice type matches to perfectly.

For anyone wondering I’m an dramatic mezzo and love dramatic, emotional complex or melancholic songs.
I love acting out emotions with my voice.
My voice matches best with powerful but psychological layered characteres like Mrs. Denvers from Rebecca, Circe from EPIC or Jane Seymore from Six.

The pic is a piece of the atmosphere.
The place is so tucked away and the warm lighting and wood makes me feel safe enough to let my true voice type shine.

This was such a happy moment for me. ✨
This time it was finally my turn to win against my mental health disorders!

I just want to cheer other people on and hope they can experience the same happiness even when they circumstances are more than difficult.

#MentalHealth #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #SocialPhobia #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder

Yeah, I ain't sleeping lately
I ain't sleeping lately
Yes, I know that I'm the only person that can change me
Maybe, that's why I ain't changing
That's why I ain't changing
I got too much on my mind, I guess I don't know how to face it

I just don't know how to face it
I don't know how to face it, yeah (don't know how to face it)
I don't know how to face it (don't know how to face it)
I don't know how to face it
I don't know how to face it, how to face it, ah

Don't know how to face it
Let's go back to basics
Yes say what you mean, do what you say, but man I hate this
I just don't know what I'm chasing, don't know what I'm chasing
Yes, somebody told me
Life is something you don't wanna play with

But I just keep on playing like, life is just a playground
I go through this mood swings
Watch everything slide down
I look at myself and I ask me what the goal is
Yeah, tell me what your goal is
I'm just so lost in emotions, I don't even notice

I just slip into a place and I don't think straight
Devil in my ear tryna tell me everything's great
And in a year I'll realize I'm in the same place
Running in the same race, same pace

Yeah, I ain't sleeping lately
I ain't sleeping lately
Yes, I know that I'm the only person that can change me
Maybe, that's why I ain't changing
That's why I ain't changing
I got too much on my mind, I guess I don't know how to face it

I just don't know how to face it
I don't know how to face it, yeah (don't know how to face it)
I don't know how to face it (don't know how to face it)
I don't know how to face it
I don't know how to face it, how to face it

Don't know how to face it
Let's go back to basics
Think about the words you 'bout say before you say it
Sin is bittersweet I taste it, bittersweet I taste it
Get that sickness out my mouth
I feel like my train is derailing
I can feel it

Yo, these words are only words until they actions
Words until they actions strive on empty satisfactions
Yeah, the fact is I don't know, fact is I don't know
Yeah, I get on these stages, say that I put on a show
But, yeah, that show it don't mean nothing

If I don't live my lyrics, if they don't feel the spirit in my songs
Then they don't hear it
Homie, yeah, that don't mean nothing
This ain't all about appearance
Everything starts with the man in the mirror

Yeah, I ain't sleeping lately
I ain't sleeping lately
Yes, I know that I'm the only person that can change me
Maybe, that's why I ain't changing
That's why I ain't changing
I got too much on my mind, I guess I don't know how to face it

I just don't know how to face it
I don't know how to face it, yeah
I don't know how to face it
I don't know how to face it
I don't know how to face it, how to face it, ah

#Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #CPTSD #PTSD #MentalHealth #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #SocialPhobia

I've tried to hate myself
Thinking that's how things will change
But it never helps, piling up the blame
Fighting fire with fire, hurt with more hurt
Breaking my own heart makes everything worse

I gotta be kind, kind to myself
'Cause I can't change, change any way else
If the kindness of my Savior is how He changes me
Then I can be kind, kind to myself

I know it sounds insane
But the old way wasn't working
I try to medicate
When the pain's under the surface
I've never healed by powering through
I had to learn how to see me the way that You do

I gotta be kind, kind to myself
'Cause I can't change, change any way else
If the kindness of my Savior is how He changes me
Then I can be kind, kind to myself

Hey (kind), don't misunderstand, it's not permission (kind)
It's conviction over condemnation (kind)
Oh, the curious love of God (kind)
It's such a better and sweeter song (kind)
It has a way of showing me what's really going on, going on, yeah

What does the voice in your head sound like
When you fail for the thousandth time?
Is it cruel or is it kind?

Oh, I gotta be kind, kind to myself
'Cause I can't change, change any way else
If the kindness of my Savior is how He changes me
I can be kind, kind to myself

I can be kind, kind to myself
I can be kind, kind to myself

#MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Selfharm #CPTSD #PTSD #SelfharmRecovery #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #SocialPhobia