Strongnotstrong

Bullied as a kid due to disability, shut myself away mentally until the point that I ended up having surgery to “correct” things to “make me normal”. At this time there wasnt really any support/aftercare, it was just, “all is ok now, you can get on with life”.
I started University and shed the old life and social circle that I had, a chance to be “normal” and anonymous.
Continually found myself getting incredibly angry, self-isolating, hatred for people. Binge eating and alcohol. Drugs too - if I could procure any.
Now I have a family, son, wife and step kids. I try so hard to quash the feelings of sadness, worthlessness, emptiness and anger. Nothing works. I know deep down that life goes on, I am proof of this, and if I ever reach the point that I cannot go on anymore, and I have to end it all, things will return to normal eventually and life will go on again . I hate being so weak for feeling like this this, there are so many people here with chronic awful problems and my “issues” are quite trivial in comparison. My daily “pretending everything is ok” is just reaching breaking point. I am tired of everything, blending in, fitting in, and feeling empty. But do recognise everything I have around me, so why doesn’t this make a difference?
Just needed to sound off, take care and stay safe everyone.

Hi, today is a particularly low point for me in my life mentally.
Physically I am in good health, I got married just over two weeks ago, two amazing step kids, amazing little boy 17 months. Why do I feel like this.? I feel so lonely, detached and sad. There are people out there who have terrible Illnesses and problems. I try my best every single day, but the years and years of internally coping with this, just overwhelms me. It’s almost like I am standing two steps to the side of myself watching my life exist, because I’ve become so numb that I barely take part anymore. Can anyone relate?

I know I’m dealing with heavy issues.
I know I can be difficult. I try my best. Always do. Sometimes I am so tired with the trying that I have nothing left to give.
It’s a constant battle, sometimes I’m ahead, sometimes I’m behind. But little things just set me off. A plate here, a mug there, a car on the road being a bit inconsiderate. I know I shouldn’t be affected as strongly as I am. But I start to shake and go downhill over silly things. I can see it. I can feel it. I try and stop it, but it’s like a football at the top of the hill. O hate myself for it. I’m awful to be around.
Thanks for letting me vent (!!)
Currently doing breathing exercises and trying not to flip out.