ineedhelp

Trigger warning: I’m struggling sooo much right now. I’m sooo lost and trying not to give up. If I had the energy to act I would. I’ve been passively suicidal for a long time. I’m realizing now, just how much. I got out of an abusive relationship in October and now I am really really depressed. I have bipolar disorder and have trouble functioning, thinking clearly and everything else. The depression has gotten really really bad in the last month. So bad I’m missing the abusive boyfriend. I honestly ended the relationship because I had gotten so depressed I was at the point I wanted him to kill me. And I knew it was only a matter of time that I would do what I knew would trigger him enough to get angry enough to kill me. But I loved him enough to get out before I did that because I didn’t want him to have to live with doing that to me. But now I’m missing what I had used to self harm. I’m having suicidal thoughts and the depression is so bad I don’t know how to go on? So I’m wishing I never got out of that relationship. I’m missing the means I once had to end it. That’s awful right? How did I get here? How did I get this depressed? I am also at a crossroads right now where if I don’t press on I will lose my health insurance and the real reason I need it is for my medication that I take that doesn’t seem to be helping the depression right now anyway but if I lose the health insurance I will have to get off the meds and then how bad will it be. So I’m really at the place that I’m like I’m done. I’m done. I’m tried of fighting to go on. Why did I get rid of the means I had to end it? Why did I do that? I still love him but I’m more depressed now than I was before and now I don’t have an easy way out. I’ve asked my mom for help but she doesn’t seem to have it in her to help me and I’ve been trying to get professional help for a long time but it hasn’t worked. Nothing has worked. I either need a miracle to have someone dive in and save me or I’m just going to give up and let the repercussions happen. Go back to being passively sucidial and let my life blow up. I’m not sure how to do things differently? The depression has gotten to the point where I don’t see myself turning things around. I just don’t see it. I don’t see a way out. I don’t have any fight left in me. I’ve been a phoenix before and I think people think I can rise to the occasion and rise from the ashes again but I really feel that this time is different. I don’t see myself coming out of this depression. They say asking for help will help someone that’s suicidal not end things but I’ve asked for help and it hasn’t worked. So I guess if I do end things no one can say if she had just asked for help things would be different. I tried to ask for help it wasn’t that simple. I wish it had been but it just wasn’t. But then again it’s not like I’m actually going to have the energy to end it anyway so im here. I’m just so alone. And these thoughts are really scaring me.

I posted this yesterday but deleted it… I am so much worse today…. Hence the title. I’m losing control and I’m scared. I’ve reached out to the only help I have and my mom doesn’t understand how badly I’m doing right now. Her answer you can’t give up you have to get through it.
But I’m kinda past that point. So this post from yesterday is really outdated but I don’t have the energy to write another.

I’m having so much trouble finding joy. I’m miserable lately and I feel like I shouldn’t be. I’ve had a major decline in my mental state and I’m struggling to get out of it. I’m struggling to breathe. I’m probably in one of my deepest depressions in my life and I’m not sure how I’m going to get to the other side of this one. I have a lot I need to get through in the next few weeks and I’m just trying to get through until the end of June. But then July will be here and I’ll have to face that. I feel like I’m always just trying to get through time with nothing to look forward to because I don’t find joy in anything anymore. I’m just here and wish I wasn’t. I have to get through the next couple weeks because a friend/my employer needs me to take care of her mother while she’s away for a week and a half so I have to keep it together until the end of June so I don’t let her down or let on to her how badly I’m doing. But I’m having trouble getting mentally prepared for that when I’m this depressed. It’s awful. I’ve barely been able to care for myself lately so this trip feels very daunting. I’ve done this so many times for her and know I can do it I’m just really struggling to get myself prepared this time around. It’s going to take a lot out of me but I just need to get through it. I’m dreading it and want to be past it because my regular day to day is hard enough right now. This trip is coming at a really bad time. I’m trying to muster up the energy and get mentally prepared for this but I’m having a really really hard time doing this. Having this big responsibility right now is really overwhelming me. I’m having trouble just trying to wrap my head around basic things right now. This feels too big. I always feel guilty when things like this feel big and hard to me because I have no one that understands why it’s so hard for me. When I’m like this I feel so alone. I feel stupid and weak for struggling so much over things that I should be able to do. I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I didn’t feel like I’m spinning out of control. I wish I had any feelings of self worth. I’ve felt so bad about myself lately and I don’t know how to change that. #Depression #feelingalone #Anxiety #overwhelmed #lost #stressed #

I just got out of a 5-year relationship where my partner helped me become clean and sober and through doing that my libido wasn't as good as it should been and I started neglecting her and apparently she took it as rejection it wasn't that it's just I didn't yes have the mental fortitude to keep her needs aware and in front of myself so I could like attend to her needs now it's been like 2 months since we broke up and to be honest with you I barely eat I haven't slept more than an hour I don't have anybody to talk to I don't have family I don't have friends I'm desperate I can't afford a therapy the only thing that keeps me from breaking is my dog #Depression #ineedhelp

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting. I'm having a really hard time with the holidays and notice my symptoms with bipolar depression are getting worse. I've tried medications but the side effects were worse. I'm still open to medication, called a new Dr but haven't seen him yet. I'm ruminating big time. I had two situations at work that I ruminated about for weeks and got myself sick over when in reality it turned out I was completely wrong about both situations. Today I opened a gift from someone that was rude and insensitive and I'm ruminating again. I feel all over the place and even though I'm aware of my feelings and trying to deal with them, I was hoping maybe someone who understands could give me some helpful advice. I've pretty much cut off all my friends for various reasons, but mainly because they didn't understand or support my bipolar diagnosis. My family is no longer living and I'm feeling super alone. Thank you for any advice you could give. #Bipolar #Depression #ineedhelp #HolidaysAreHard

Today I found out that my friend Naomi lost her job at the (forgive me the name is withheld) company that does upholstry for busses and limos. They're a busy business and she's barely there over a month and already terminated. This is because she made only a few mistakes that were not devastating, but fixable clairical errors. I feel so bad that she had that happen to her. She went through a lot today, as I could hear her crying over the phone. I do not know exactly what time it happened, but it seemed to have occured early in the morning upon her arrival to work. She said it was not the best environment to work within and that there were some things that happened there that were not very good.

One time, she was on the phone with someone who called and was saying he was making a complaint about something (as this is the company's corporate headquarters) and the other lady asked who was on the phone to Naomi. Naomi put the client on hold and said to her who it was and then the lady said to Naomi "HANG UP RIGHT NOW," as it was someone who was trying to sue the company for something that they were dissatisfied with. Ugh. Then there was a time a lady manager got pissed off and slammed her hand down on the desk because she heard Naomi answering a question in spanish that was asked to her by the other girl who spoke spanish about a work related task. She said that they are not allowed to speak spanish, and that they were only allowed to speak english. WOW... That was a huge WTF moment.

Lets just say that things are tough all around for a LOT of people out there. My friend Natalie in NJ has also told me that she was hired for a job, and she bought the clothes required and have all the paperwork signed, but was not given a start date, or a call when she is supposed to start. She contacted them, but management said that they would contact her back. Um.. that's just fucking weird. THIS is what companies are doing to people these days. It's insane. Absoloutely insane.

#WhatIsHappening
#BipolarDisorder
#Depression
#AnxietyDisorder
#Working
#keepgoing
#ineedhelp
#PanicDisorder
#ADHD
Valerie Climenhaga
Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android Tablet

Wow, it's been awhile Mighty, three years. I'm not even going to bother talking about all that has happened in the last 3 years because I need help right now. Please comment something to breathe hope, clarity, anything into my evening other than what I'm feeling as I type this.

It's been almost a year since I lost the love of my life in a nightmare breakup that left me hospitalized over #Suicide attempts. My #MentalHealth dipped so badly that I lost ALL of my friends, including my best friend since childhood who turned his back on me after deeming me as an #Anxiety -source he no longer needed to entertain.

I tried to pick myself back up. I walked away from my career despite loving it due to mistreatment. I took a few months to try to right my medications that might help bring my confidence and purpose back. I went to therapy weekly. I accepted the loss of everything, got a new job and blocked all the people in my life that had made a hard time in my life so much harder.

But the new job was even worse.. the new guy I started dating turned out to be abusive. For the last month I have found myself experiencing a deep sorrow, longing for something that's long gone, aching on a level that I can't rightfully put into words. I stopped going to therapy, the meds don't seem to be helping and I feel that the universe is repeatedly trying to tell me to stop pushing for happiness because it is just not in the cards for me in my life.

But as it's either die or keep clawing away at it, I've just given my two weeks notice to the toxic new job and officially ended the abusive relationship after multiple failed attempts. I'm starting a new job soon, have sworn to stay away from dating for awhile and tried to pick up my old hobbies to keep me distracted.

You can see I'm trying SO HARD not to give up. But it's not working you guys... I'm constantly sad. I feel like I'm in permanent #greif and #PTSD mode. I keep trying to fool my brain into thinking this is ok but any and all happiness has been sucked from my soul.

I want to text the abusive ex just for someone to talk to or share the night with. I recently unblocked my old best friend as well as the love of my life to feel some kind of release of anger, a step forward in maturity. I noticed that the ex watched my story yesterday, then blocked me immediately after.

I seem to be wildly unlovable and destined to keep coming back to this defeated place. I'm not sure what the point is to continue trying. I have no friends. No family. No one to talk to so please talk to me tonight.. #ineedhelp

Apologies if I ramble. How do you know when to get help or what help to get?or How? I've had anxiety all my life and was getting better being in groups of people still rather observe and be invisible, but still better. Since I started this journey of #EhlersDanlosSyndrome my anxiety has gotten worse and depression has joined the fun. Last year I was given an as needed anxiety med after breaking down in a drs office. That hasn't really helped anything. Later I was given a depression med that I thought may be helping but I've also gain 20 plus pounds and don't really care to do anything but still depressed. Leading up to having surgey and after my anxiety is running wild pain is making me have anxiety attacks and regretting surgery and ever finding out I have EDS. I've only seen mental health when I was little and I hated them. I'm terrified that they will want to dig up thing, I have current thing I don't have energy for past things. I'm afraid I will just shut down or make everything worse .I don't know how to do this. What happens I if you and the person dont click am I stuck with them #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #ineedhelp

Hello, I’ve been contemplating writing my thoughts down. I am going through a terrible, heart breaking, depressed event. My therapist of 8+ years died. I had been trying to get in touch with her for several days because she never misses and appointment without reaching out to me. I spoke to her via text the night before our appointment. I was stalking her BFF’s peg on FB and she posted about her dying. We were so close, she was a great, fantastic therapist. She promised she would never abandon me. I also am having issues with wanting to know what happened? When did she die? I feel that her clients have been left in the dark. I’m so hurt and heartbroken. I promised her that I would never attempt suicide again unless I talked to her. I promised her and I keep my promises even though she is no longer with me. I need to find a new therapist. Oh, I now have Covid!

My #Depression is severe, has been impacting my life for nearly a decade
I'm treatment resistant, probably because I've only just been diagnosed with #AutismDiagnosis so nothing was ever changed to help me understand it and of course meds don't work
I cannot take this anymore
Every single time I ring to speak to a doctor they say there's nothing else they can for me
They won't try anything
#ineedhelp

I've been diagnosed with #ChronicDepression and #Anxiety for so long, I've tried to put boundaries in place, tried to honour my needs like alone time and rest days and not doing things that makes me uncomfortable
But it's really hard because my family refuse to respect what I say, or even my diagnosis or just me
Recently I've been diagnosed with #Autism
And I know it's more important than ever to reflect and focus on my boundaries and needs
I cannot do what I used to do hears ago
I need a lot more rest
And I've realised, I will no longer do what causes me harm
#AutisticBurnout is no joke
And if I'm going to survive I need my family to help me honour my needs
So when I say I can't do something, they need to respect it

At the moment they do not, and it's causing me a lot of pain
#ineedhelp
How do fellow autistics cope
How do they get family to #Respect their needs!!!