Ending the day feeling better than I did when I started it. Thankful for all who have reached out. It's nice to know and feel like I have a space to talk when I don't feel "okay".
Possible TW/ Suicidal Idealization
I'm really tired of feeling like this. I'm living because my siblings pleaded with me to stay earth-side months ago. I don't feel like I'm living for myself or because I truly want to be here thoughy. I'm here for them. I feel stuck here and I really need some tips on making this worth while.
What did you do on the day you decided to live? I feel like I'm starting over. I want to actually WANT to be here. Not just because my family wants me here. I feel detached and I'm seriously fighting to connect with something to make it all worth being here for.
Well, this one hit home. I’m 47 and have relapsed in my eating disorders after losing my husband two years ago and had to move back in with my narcissistic mother who is a constant trigger. My meds are a mess and every single day I just don’t know if I can keep doing this but I have my 16 year old son, never really having grieved the loss of his dad, having to move in with his grandmother. She smokes almost three packs a day while sitting in the central room of the house and that adds a whole host of issues in itself. I need to nourish my soul because trying to nourish my body has failed. I’ve lost over 20 pounds in just a couple months; I’m back to feeling for bones and every hip or clavicle protruding is my only connection with myself, or the loss of myself. I tried other #52SmallThings and couldn’t find anything I liked about myself after just three days. I need this- if not for my soul then to try to regain a relationship with my son, who has watched this before, watched me waste away before, watched me on life support twice when I just couldn’t deal anymore, visited me in inpatient treatment facilities, residential facilities, years of therapy and no one understands that I’m right back at my childhood. I’ve thought numerous times that I was ready to call it a day and my closest friend has actually called me out on my behaviors, tried to break down the bullshit with my mother and still, here I am thinking about what I WONT be eating today.
So, like I said, this one hit home. Food, like any other addiction, has taken its toll on my body but the one difference is drug addicts have to seek out their drug but I need mine to stay alive, I love avoiding it but that’s the kicker- avoiding it is my problem. So I hope this small thing and the nourishment for my soul keeps me alive, because most everything else has worked to do the opposite.
Interestingly, this is my first post- I couldn’t get past the effing hashtag.
I am so grateful to The Mighty and everyone in its community for reading this and maybe it will open someone else’s eyes who will hopefully succeed before a lifetime of wake up calls gets you to 47 and you think, shit- did I really do this to myself? Do I REALLY HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN?