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Coming to terms

My trigger some

went in for a yearly check up with my primary Dr. I explained that my carpal tunnel is so bad that many days I just want to chop off my hands they hurt so bad. She sent the request for the test that has to be done before they'll do surgery, I'm praying it won't be to long before that can happen. My swollen ankle which hurts to walk on will also be taken care of at the ortho. I had explained that I had made a list to keep track of everything I've been diagnosed with from typical like needing glasses to more troublesome likeCOPD. Then there's the RA in my hands that nothing seems to help so they hurt. To the more severe, hEDS which causes too many health problems. Anyway my list has 42 conditions listed. I never remember many when seeing a new Dr. I explained that is mentally overwhelming and I just can't handle any more. If you find anything else wrong with me, treat me but don't tell me. She asked if I got my mammogram done. My reply; nope, I don't wanna know and I wouldn't get treatment anyway. She asked about my colonoscopy, I said I canceled that in March, cause I don't wanna know. I explained I'm in so much pain every single day and at least one day a week it has me in tears. I'm not suicidal but I don't want to live another 5 years. For me that is. Each year that goes by the pain has only gotten worse. Not much helps it and nothing takes it completely away. For my family I would love to live along time. I've been a DNR close to 10 years. I was honest and told her I relapsed on my methamphetamine because it numbs my brain some. But it also caused. Yet my flashbacks came back. I'm assuming cause I stayed high while with my abuser and when I'm high and my brain numbed I don't have to control to stop them before they escalate. If that makes sense. She said she perfectly understands how I feel and asked if I have a living will. I told her, it's not on file here but my ex-husband has been me POA for the past 14 years since I made it.

Sorry to unload all this on everyone here but it feels good to talk (even a one sided conversation) to people who do understand. Most of my family tries to understand but the worst thing they get are menstrual cramps or migraines. I'm not saying they don't have the normal getting older stuff. But their pain goes away. Mine never does. Day in and day out, pain pain and more pain. Just different areas and different degrees. It's just it's gotten so much worse since even last year. Back then I didn't think it possible. Often times I wonder why God didn't allow my ex to kill me. Then I wouldn't be in such pain and he couldn't continue hurting people. But I know God's plan is not for me to understand. Then there's the whole everything happens for a reason and there is a silver lining in everything. We just have to look and be patient until we find it.

Thanks for reading to the end.
God bless you all.
#ChronicIllnessEDS #MentalHealth #ChronicPain #AbuseSurvivors #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #Addiction

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Today, Oh Wow!

I come to visit at my daughter's on Friday late evening and will be leaving Tuesday late evening when my best friend gets off work. They already had plans to go to the Dunes so they had been gone most of the day. I had asked to use their car so I could go to storage and find my certificates of completion from the programs where I had my rehab and intensive therapy. I picked up my son as I know I'd not only need help lifting my boxes and totes, they also have lots of their belongings in storage and was in complete disarray. So while he'd bring me a box or tote, he pulled their things out and got it reorganized. I thank God he was there cause at one point I was looking through a tote and their big oval coffee table fell. Had he not been in there with me and was able to catch it, it would have hit me. I told him thanx and had that landed on me, I would have went into an instant flashback that would have been bad. Someone would have heard me screaming, the police would have showed up, I would have peed myself during the episode and I would have been embarrassed like I am after any flashback. However, thank God that didn't happen.

What did happen is that I found my 4 certificates, a journal page I had written in jail about 2 different flashbacks. My case manager at rehab had read it and told me I was very good at making my words come alive. That even though it wasn't very long she was taken into my story. That's a piece I will be adding into my book. I also came across 5 letters I had written my best friend from jail; took back as I want to add some parts of those into my book.

As I'm going through my belongings, I'm reminiscing about my time at rehab. There were single women, women and children and a few men, but I was a lot of the children's "grandma". I'd babysit at times. Buy the kids snacks when I could, knowing their momma can't. My own grandsons lived a little over a hour away and are older so I really enjoyed playing with them outside. Several of the women sorta adopted me as an adopted mom. I had a good 20+ years on them and would offer advice that they asked for. Often during my 15 months there women would come sit down beside me when I was outside and tell me how much I inspired them. I'm like, "Um thank you. But how am I inspiring you? Everyone here has been through their own kind of hell. Why me"? I was told; with what little of your story that you shared with me, I'm like, damn she went through that and can stay sober, lead a class, and interact with everyone here, deal with such pain that you do on a daily basis, all the while fighting your triggers and flashbacks,I can do this. I respond by saying I'm glad I can offer inspiration, but when I was in jail I made up my mind then that I was done with drugs. So this other stuff can take priority. I may make this look easy, but i have trouble to daily keep a positive attitude. When you put in the hard work, and want something bad enough, you can achieve anything. But no amount of rehab; 1 time or 20, if you are not ready to absolutely 100% give up drugs, it won't work.

Then I came across my clothes and I'm like, oh I need this tank top. 😂. Found pajama bottoms and asked my son if they would like them, men's anyway. Of course he did cause they were, Harry Potter, Minions and Captain America. I picked out 2 tops I thought his GF would like and fit. He's like are you sure mom? I say, son they been in storage for the past 6 months, I don't need them. Oh, found my jewelry. YEAH!! Only took out my absolute faves and told my son to give his girl the rest. This way they can get used instead of just sitting in storage. Hygiene tote, I found some items that I know she could use as well and gave those to him.

Overall, it was quality time spent with my son. Although it aggravated my back and my hands have gotten so much worse, today's activity didn't help. So grateful I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow.
I apologize this was so long. I'm alone way to often so I get long winded sometimes. God Bless you all. #MentalHealth #CPTSD #PTSD #ChronicPain #EhlersDanlosSyndrome , #Trauma #AbuseSurvivors

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This really spoke to me so I wanted to share it. I found it on Pintrest.

Just in case no one has told you lately: You are worthy of the same love you give. You bring value when you show up for others, and also, when you breathe deep and simply live. You long to fully present. I just hope that just as much as you are present to others you are also present to yourself.

You see beauty in the life of others and the stories that they tell. I just hope you know; as you listen, you are worthy of being heard as well.

You love others so well.
You see where Light pours through.
May you know the same love you give, you are worthy of receiving too.

#ChronicIllnessEDS #PTSD #MentalHealth #AbuseSurvivors #ChronicPain

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I found this on Pintrest and wanted to share. I'm not trying to affend anyone

Dear God
Enlighten-What's dark in me.
Strengthen-What's weak in me.
Mend-What's broken in me.
Bind-What's bruised in me.
Heal-What's sick in me.
and lastly ...
Revive-Whatever peace and love has died in me.
#ChronicIlless #AbuseSurvivors #CPTSD #ChronicIllnessEDS

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It feels never ending

I keep having nightmares about my abusive ex. It’s been night three of these little movie flicks of him having sex or kissing with other women in front of me and looking pleased about it meanwhile seeing that I’m alone. I don’t know how to interpret these dreams into reality and it’s hurting me so bad right now. I’m trying to take time to process my grief and also taking time to ensure I don’t do or say anything anymore that will get me self conscious in front of another man. I’m trying to meet new people now since I’m trying to gain new friendships since old ones were tethered; I met a guy through a penpal app called “bottled”; he’s from Nigeria, who has been through abuse himself as such but not as intense he says. He praises me on my beauty and my personality and he makes me feel good, but it’s only been a week and I’m afraid of letting someone in so soon. I don’t want to lose him since we connect on a lot of levels. I don’t know if I would even meet him some day anyways either.. 😣😞#Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #Nightmares #PTSD #Dating #Anxiety #Depression #Trauma #Therapy #BipolarDisorder

122 reactions 36 comments

Days go by..

I feel like days and nights don’t exist for me. I lost track of what days of the week I’m on and I’m lost on every single routine I used to do before I got into the crappy abusive relationship that I survived. I wish I could stop feeling sorry for myself and making others see me as the person I’m not. I just wish I could get myself up. #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #MentalHealth #AbuseSurvivors #AbusiveRelationship #Loneliness

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What I am learning from Bi Polar and Post Traumatic Recovery

Wow, up til 1 am or 2 am, refereeing exhuberant or extremely volatile arguments is not cool, leave an argument, unless the argument corners you in your room, it hurts, can't think that someone else who is good looking would have to recover from Bipolar, must be hard, realistically I don't think I have psych outbursts unless triggered by someone's violence, shredding my newest dress, yelling uncontrollably at my kid, my kid leaving at 1 30 am alone walking the street, my kid having outbursts and a change in personality since Dec 27th 2023, my kid and husband erasing numbers of family and friends, being beach slapped due to lies of a neighbour I never met but spoke with only once or twice on phone, bullying, enduring and SI, and no financial ability to move, and difficulties with transportation, trust, and abuse to visit family, if is not Bipolar, it's Bullying, I'm in EA #emotional Abuse Survivors, #BipolarDisorder , #AbuseSurvivors , #abuse,domestic #si #s


Abuse recovery

I’m one week into my breakup with the most verbally abusive man I’ve ever been with. The neck grabbing, shirt grabbing, breaking my things in complete anger and yelling. How does one recover from this??? I know I need some serious help because I’m noticing a reliance of alcohol and medical weed, I’m debating on admitting myself into Shepherd Pratt which is an mental hospital which separates you by disorders. My parents are really telling me to just go to a psychiatrist and therapy but then I have to pay to go. You don’t have to pay anything supposedly. I don’t know. #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #PTSD #HighlySensitive #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #MightyQuestions #AbusiveRelationship #Selfharm #Therapy

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Happy Self Love Day

I am aware that some people might be celebrating their mothers today, but I don’t have one of those. She told me so in all the times she chose her own comfort over my safety. She told me every time she tried to use bubblegum to create a new family with a violent man, who didn’t like that I served as a reminder of her past. She told me by never allowing me to have personal boundaries when I was a child, that I didn’t deserve to have agency over myself. Which made it so much easier for me to be used by others, just as she used me.

She told me when she came to visit me when I was older, that instead of doing the usual tourist things, her covert expectation was for me to take her shopping and pay for all her finds. She told me in all the times that she took credit for my achievements, then used me like a personal ATM. She told me when she admitted that in my first days, she moved me to the other side of the house so my cries would not wake her, and I had to learn how to self comfort—as orphan babies quickly learn to do. And she told me one last time that she was not my mother, the day she reported me to the police as an act of revenge when I finally went No Contact with her.

I’m telling you all this, not with the intention of vilifying the person who birthed me. Her own mother was no better to her which made repeating the sins of the past, that much easier to passively choose. Rather, I am grateful to be free of it all. In cutting ties with her, I finally chose my own happiness. I gave myself permission to start putting myself first, as opposed to living to satisfy the whims of others. I no longer feel the heavy burden of having to dance on her string, or to meet all her crazy grandiose expectations. I am free.

I no longer feel guilt for choosing me. I choose self love, and today seems like a good time to celebrate that. Happy Self Love Day to all of us who have for one reason or another, freed ourselves from the darkness that is toxic family relationships. We are our own light ❤️

#FamilyAndFriends #Selflove #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #EmotionalAbuse #Relationships

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