abuse survivors

#PTSD #AbuseSurvivors
So after 2 1/2 years I saw my ex and abuser at my best friends store.
Back when I met my ex he gaslight me real good. At that time I was smoking meth with a mutual friend and that is how we met. He used the fact I like getting and after I while I was full blown addicted. We would smoke other things and that how he controlled me. Anyway when I saw him today he didn't recognize me as I've gained weight being sober almost 2 years, plus I had gotten my hair cut and am now a blonde. We had words and I realized what a loser he really is. The best part is that I was not scared of him anymore. I used to be terrified of him. He is still ate up on drugs and I am free. I now know the monster in my head is not scary anymore. I think I can finally be free; mentally. I can't see what I ever saw in him and the whole situation today just makes me want to laugh.

When people think of forgiveness (myself included) we tend to think that forgiveness is for another person. We often don't forgive ourselves. To be clear I am not taking accountability for being abused, that is not my responsibility. However I want to work on showing myself grace. So tonight I am going to forgive myself.

I forgive myself for not knowing what I didn't know before. I often get down on myself for not knowing what I didn't know before. I was a child when the abuse started and I didn't realize it was abuse. I remember being confused but I couldn't label it as abuse because there was no violence involved. No threats against my safety. Part of me didn't want to believe that a family member was abusing me and maybe that's why I didn't see it as abuse.

Even so, it was not my fault for not knowing. He knew better than to hurt me like that. That's the moral of what happened. I forgive myself for getting upset with myself when I get depressed, manic, anxious, triggered or emotionally reactive. I am slowly working on these emotions by making lifestyle changes. As I got older the abuse continued and this made me feel like for some reason it was my fault. I suppose shame and guilt are normal reactions to abuse.

But now I forgive myself for feeling guilt and shame. I realize now that I need to show myself love, patience, forgiveness and grace. So do you. I forgive myself for not speaking to myself with respect and now I plan on doing that. What do you forgive yourself for? #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Hope #Forgiveness #Healing #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

I used to fight mindfulness and my therapist because I didn't see the point. Recently however I have begun to see the benefits of being mindful. I am not saying that I meditate every day but I try to go throughout my day mindfully. Since I enjoy writing I have chosen to do that more mindfully. I realize that I do a lot of emotional dumping which is okay but it doesn't allow me to reflect on my experiences.

I am trying out the DBT skills of being present and nonjudgmental. To be clear, I am not saying that being nonjudgmental means that my abusers get a free pass or anything. Only that I am trying to reflect on the lessons that I've learned. Sometimes I still grieve the loss of an illusion but grief has taught me that love was there once. I can now look back at my experiences and say that things weren't right and that there is no excuse or defense for what happened.

They are responsible for what they did. However their lack of responsibility has no bearing on my healing journey. I choose to be nonjudgmental towards myself for how I reacted to their abuse and how the abuse effects me now as an adult. I choose to be happy and healthy and create a life for myself. Being abused has taught me a lot and I wanted to share those lessons with you.

-Abuse is always a choice.

-Abuse can happen within families.

-Parents aren't perfect.

-Abuse doesn't make you bad.

-The abuse didn't make you stronger, you were already strong.

-Abuse doesn't define you.

-Your thoughts and feelings are valid.

-It is okay to reach out for help.

-It is okay to speak up (if it is safe). Someone will believe you.

-The abuse and its secrets were not yours to bear.

-If your parents were abusive it was not your job to fix them.

-Responsibility lies with the abuser.

Your only responsibility is to heal.

-Your presence means something.

-Cutting out abusive people is okay.

-Love heals, it does not traumatize.

-Never judge yourself for what you survived.

-You are capable of finding meaning in your pain.

If I think of any more I will list them. My hope is that this list helps someone. We are here for each other. Stay focused on the present and if you struggle with PTSD like I do, then accept it and work with it. Not against it. I believe in you. Thanks for believing in me. As always stay safe and seek help if you need to.

#PTSD #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Mindfulness #Motivation

I become so wrapped up in the #SexualAbuse I endured that only recently have I begun to acknowledge the #EmotionalAbuse I also endured. It's not uncommon for two types of abuse to occur at once and I definitely experienced that. The manipulation, gaslighting (especially) and dismissal of my thoughts, feelings, needs and wants have left me with scars. #PTSD is no fun to live with but I thought I got it from being sexually assaulted not realizing that the emotional abuse had a hand in its development.

As a result I suffer from low self esteem, over apologize, constantly wonder if people are mad at me, fear conflict and abandonment, doubt myself amongst other things. I often invalidate myself as well. I seek outward approval and validation and struggle with kindly to myself. I never realized that all these struggles were from the emotional abuse. I just always thought I was overly sensitive or something. I'll admit that I am also a people pleaser which is a trauma response. Either that or I freeze.

I never realized that #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder can be caused by abandonment even though one of the criteria for the disorder is a fear of abandonment. I was abandoned (physically) by a family member after coming forward about the sexual abuse. I remember feeling so alone, unloved, unwanted and scared. Until I started reading about the effects of abandonment I never realized the effects being physically abandoned had on me.

As I am learning more and more about emotional abuse, am naming it and am working to heal from it I can begin to move forward. Because I also experienced most of this abuse as a child, I suppose that's why I struggle as an adult. Now I am on a mission to find myself and heal myself.

Healing is not linear but by shifting my focus to something else I can heal that part of me. My question for you all is, how do I start healing from emotional abuse and childhood trauma? I have a therapist but how do I go about doing it myself? I have tried looking inwards but that brings up hard feelings (shame, guilt, anger, sadness and confusion to name a few). I intellectually know that the shame and guilt aren't mine to carry but something about being invalidated and being abused in that way makes it hard to not feel that way.

My hope for all of you is that if you are experiencing or did experience this type of abuse that you know it wasn't your fault. Someone chose to hurt you. I think my complexity comes in because it was family that abused me. As I posted earlier, the thoughts of the not so bad times gets in the way. The fact that the abuse wasn't occurring all the time makes it harder to heal. Just labeling it as abuse was hard.

I hope that you can get the help that you deserve whether that be professionally or from someone you love. I believe in you, thanks for believing in me. As always seek help if you need to. We are here for each other.

#PTSD #EmotionalAbuse #Toxic #Family #Childhoodtrauma #SexualAbuse #abandonment #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

I already shared with you a list of lessons I have learned so far on my healing journey. Another lesson I have learned is that disclosure of abuse can be terrifying and uncertain. I had an ex-boyfriend that I disclosed my history of #SexualAbuse to. I had told him out of respect, care and awareness that the relationship might turn sexual. I was not prepared for how he reacted. All he said was "ok" then gave me a look I'll never forget. The look he gave me made me feel small, at fault and disgusted with myself. I regretted telling him. From then on, I was scared of people's reactions.

To be clear I do not disclose to people to get pity. I disclose as a way to inform. When I met my now fiancé I didn't know he had feelings for me before he told me. Something compelled me to open up to him too though I was prepared for a negative reaction. I was surprised when he started to cry. That's when I realized that not everyone reacts negatively. His tears showed me that he cared and that the abuse bothered him.

Disclosing isn't for everyone but I believe that if you're in a long lasting relationship that it is important for the other to know that you have experienced some form of #SexualTrauma . Like my fiancé says, disclosure allows the other person to love you how you need to be loved and they can be a partner on your healing journey. Of course, make sure you're safe when disclosing. I guess I was kinda lucky the first time, sure I got my feelings hurt but I wasn't in any physical danger.

Please stay safe and do what works for you. Disclosure to the right person allows me to be vulnerable and open up about my struggles as well as my wants and needs. I am so glad I opened up, not only was it a release from years of keeping it a secret but it has strengthened our relationship. I also disclosed that I have #PTSD from the abuse and he was super understanding. My hope is that each of you can find someone to disclose to, it doesn't have to be a romantic partner. It can be a friend, family member, authority figure or mental health professional.

Receiving the reaction I did from my fiancé quelled my fears of other people's reactions. Now I can accept that not everyone will understand and that is okay. As always, please stay safe and reach out for help if you need to. I hope this lesson can inspire someone today. I believe in you, thanks for believing in me.

#SexualAbuse #PTSD

I have been out of the abusive situations for four years now (this being the fourth year). In that time I have learned a lot about people, myself and life in general. During a moment of reflection and mindfulness I realized how blessed I am to have what I have. Sure I came from a broken home but now I have a family that loves, supports and believes in me no matter what. That means a lot to someone that has been invalidated by her own family. I cannot tell you how many tears I've cried, how many questions I've asked or how many scars I gave myself. I can only share the lessons that I have learned so far with you. Those lessons have taught me to make the most of my experience.

-Abusive families exist.

-There is nothing wrong with cutting toxic people out of your life.

-Your experiences are only a part of you but they do not define you.

-It is okay to ask for and receive help.

-It is okay to come forward about your experience. Someone will believe you.

-It is okay to be scared, angry, confused, hurt or any other emotion. They are valid and deserve space.

-Families aren't perfect.

-Time always shows a person's true colors in the end.

-It is possible to be hurt by someone you trusted but this does not make you a bad person.

-The abuse was not and never will be your fault.

-Abuse is a choice, someone chose to hurt you.

-There are consequences for everything.

-It is okay to be healing one day and to fall apart the next, this does not make you weak.

-Healing is not linear.

-Love does not hurt and leave you traumatized. What happened was not love.

-You can and will heal.

-It's important to have a support system.

-Each day is a new opportunity to heal and move forward.

-It's okay to validate yourself, you are not selfish.

-You deserve to be heard.

-Your presence makes a difference (trust me I attempted suicide)

I hope these lessons can help someone today. As I keep learning, I will post more. Everyday I am working on myself and slowly getting to where I want to be. Again, please stay safe and reach out for help if you need to. You are not alone. I believe in you. Thanks for being here and for believing in me. I appreciate it.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #SexualAssault #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Life #Lessons #coping #Hope #Inspiration

A lot of my trauma happened the most throughout my life in the evenings. So now whenever that time of night rolls in, it hits hard. I currently live in another state than I did before so I have yet to find insurance or a trauma therapist. I have done emdr which helped tremendously but then I had another attack which happened right before I moved.

Now I do my best to cope but it's hard to keep the mind and body stable and not to let them stray into depression spells in the evenings and sometimes it feels like all the progress I made on the previous abuse sort of came undone? Which I know isn't true Soto speak but it's just a little diffcult to keep on keeping on, but I know at the end of the day I just need to keep living and taking things day by day.

#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Depression #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #Vent

I’ve been so anxious I can’t sleep even though I’m tired. I’ve read other strategies and I am currently trying nature sounds. Do you have any additional coping skills that could help me? Thanks in advance.

#Anxiety #PTSD #Insomnia #AbuseSurvivors #checkin #triggered

Proud of myself today. I was able to make myself stay awake instead of sleeping all day like my #BipolarDepression wants me to do. I was able to stay active and calm and not let my #PTSD get out of hand. Even though I am still under a lot of stress and am very tired I refuse to give in! What are you celebrating today?

#Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #SexualAssault #AbuseSurvivors #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #littlethings #celebrate #MightyTogether