survivingtrauma

this is really scary for me to admit but I was abused also I still blame myself for my abuse was it my fault please Somebody explain this to me
#survivingtrauma

So I normally have these unspoken agreements with myself so to speak.
Agreements like even if I’m not going out today we should get dressed - even if it’s joggers and a baggy jumper, like I should always try and eat something at least, like I should at least wait until 3pm before I have an alcoholic drink, like no matter what my mood I should always have a bath every 3 days if not before etc etc.
I make these agreements with myself to try and keep myself on some kind of even keel.
Even in the deepest pit of my depression I’ll still follow these sort of agreements. Even if I get dressed but get back into bed all day, even if I pick at food, even if drink from 3pm-3am, even if lay in the bath for 4 hours because I physically can’t move my arms to wash my body or hair.
These arrangements are so I always, always remember to TRY.
I found it so difficult to get into this mindset and I’m so bloody far from being any bit okay.
As you all know, I’ve been finding life really really difficult right now.
I’m not trying anywhere as hard as I could be.
I know that.
I’m tired of trying so hard all the time. That’s all I do everyday.
But this morning I went to the doctors, which I find incredibly difficult getting to. I make appointments and never go. But today I went as the IUD I had was causing some issues, as well as the fact they actually gave me the wrong IUD to begin with. It’s taken me a year to get to the doctors to do this.
I still have to have my new IUD fitted but as I was having such a meltdown because of how hyper sensitive I am thanks to my #Autism and then my #ObsessiveCompulsiveandRelatedDisorders - makes my mind make things even more intensified as it puts every sensation under a microscope, as well as my #PTSD kicking up thanks to the sexual trauma I’ve experienced in my life as the removal wasn’t exactly comfortable or pain free.
The whole thing was enough of the outside world for me the next week and has put me back in a downward blizzard that has made my head spin and my heart hurt and my stomach tie into millions of tiny knots that feel like a giant one.
But I done it.
So today is a positive message on here, saying that despite my depths of depression and my battles with my greater demons at this moment. I done something I’ve been putting off for a year.
Well, at least half done...

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ADHD #survivingtrauma #SexualAssaultSurvivors #KaysDays