Was this assault ? #SexualAssault #SexualAssaultSurvivors #Trauma
This is taking me a lot of courage to write and to post. I’m sorry if this is long but i really need to talk about it
So for context me and this man met at college. I’m a 20 yo woman and he’s a 19 man . He was friends with some of mine and we had classes together. When we started talking, things escalated really fast. After barely one hour of talking to each other, we was hugging me and lifting me up multiple times. It gave me a weird impression but I told myself that he just needed affection.
He was a kind of depressed guy. He told me he was a bad person multiple times but I reassured him. Long story short he told me he needed affection and comfort and I agreed to be that for him . So we basically became purely platonic cuddle buddies. There wasn’t anything sexual.
One Thursday, about three weeks after we met, he came over after his classes , and we started talking and cuddling .
⚠️Possible trigger warning for SA ⚠️
But at one point , While we were cuddling and he was laid beside me , he shifted positions and He very suddenly grabbed my wrists and pinned me down on the bed . I don’t remember if there was a reason he did that, I think he was joking about « using my body » prior ( we had a tendency to flirt joke, but lately it had been making me kind of uncomfortable. I tried numerous times to change the subject but he would always find a way to get back to it. ). He put himself above me and pushed my wrists so I couldn’t move. I pushed back , but I struggled because I obviously don’t have the same strength as him . He started holding my wrists tighter , so I put my knee to his chest to keep him away from me and being completely on top of me. He still didn’t stop holding me like this. I forgot the things he said to me during. I repeated multiple times for him to stop. He didn’t stop and kept pushing against my wrists . At one point I told him if I wanted to , I could hurt him ( his face was near me , I could hit him in the throat etc ..) . That didn’t stop him and he continued to push against my wrists. I struggled to look at him during , so I don’t know about his facial expressions , and if he said things to me , I don’t remember them . I kind of remember him laughing , but I’m not very sure about that .
I think he was doing this as a joke and was trying to figure out if he could overpower me , because while he kept pushing against my wrists I pushed harder and was able to raise my wrist off the mattress a little bit , and he said « I can’t, I’m not strong enough » . Eventually I repeated one last time to stop and that I could hurt him if I wanted to , and he finally pulled away . Just to be clear he didn’t try anything sexual and the only thing he did was trying to overpower me by pinning me down on the bed . He didn’t touch me anywhere inappropriate besides the pressure he was applying on my wrists.
After it happened , He sat up on the bed and seemed thoughtful. he seemed disappointed in himself when he somehow snapped back to reality . He faked being about to leave , and I don’t know why , but I told him « it’s ok but don’t do it again » and he stayed . I think I was just really under shock and hadn’t registered it yet . I didn’t know how to react and we both kinda moved on at the moment . I think that paradoxically , I just didn’t want to hurt him . He stayed for about an hour and then left to go home . He didn’t apologize at all for what he did .
I can’t stop wondering , Had I not defended myself , what could he have done ? Because he really was insistant and didn’t let go and I told him to stop a lot of times .
Also the previous Saturday, when he was over, he also did this weird thing when he realized that I had some reflex when he would put his hand somewhere a little inappropriate, and when he noticed that, he said « you don’t trust me ? » and did this very weird thing of faking to be going for a private part and then deviate and go for like my knee or something . I found that super weird . I feel like then , he was testing my limits and when I would tell him off or something.
Before all this happened , he told me that he had a « platonic crush » on me , as in best friend type of crush . Also , Prior to all of this , he really liked to make flirty, sexual jokes and comments, and when he would do that, he would always put himself as the superior or dominant one . In retrospect, he had multiple times joked about strangling me. He has also multiple times joked about being a predator.
I had opened up to him about my fear of men . He knew I heard a hard time trusting men and being alone with one . He still somehow thought that this was a funny thing to do after barely knowing each other for 3 weeks ? I guess this was all just a joke and he really didn’t mean harm but when is it ever funny to fake assault someone ?
I feel guilty because I acted like it wasn’t a big deal and still acted normal until he left.
I don’t know if he had anything sexual on his mind , I believe he didn’t mean anything bad , but he hurt me nonetheless . I feel like I’m making excuses for him when I really shouldn’t because his behavior wasn’t ok , but that I’m being super dramatic at the same time and making a big deal out of something that isn’t one .
I feel like I’m going crazy or reading into it way to much , I am already forgetting a lot of details and everything is a blur but other things I remember vividly . But yeah it really had a huge impact on me .
After that , we didn’t talk for a few days. I contacted him to have answers but he blocked me . After that , He heard that I wasn’t going to class so he came to my appartement uninvited. He came through two secured doors and He knocked multiple times at my apartment but I didn’t answer. He kept knocking so I eventually opened the door . He asked me if he could come in and I didn’t want to do I kept the door open . He didn’t apologize once. He told me that it was just a joke, he compared it to tickling. He told me he didn’t have any bad intentions and he didn’t have anything sexual in mind. He told me how his life was over now and kept trying to make me pity him .
I thanked him for not pretending this never happened and make me look and feel crazy , and he admitted that the thought crossed his mind
At first he seemed to understand how he hurt me and distanced himself , but then he messaged me again and said how I was ruining his life ( i haven’t told anyone nor pressed charges , he doesn’t have any repercussions from it) . He blamed me for feeling guilty and for the hurt it caused him.
He asked if what if I considered him a sexual attacker, and when I returned the question , he said thzt because of this situation he had to think of himself as a sexual predator
Please tell me what you think about it . I want the harsh truth. I don’t want people agreeing with me just to comfort me. If you think that I’m dramatizing it , then tell me . what do you think about it ? How would you interpret it
? Would it be wrong to call it assault ? Which type would you call it if you consider thzt it is indeed assault ?