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Does IT get better ❤️‍🩹

#Recovery #Striving #Surviving #thriving #Hope

So this is for you out there we don’t know what your going through. Today we wanted to say hey IT is what IT is isn’t IT and NO IT is not ok and that is ok. You are allowed to show your feelings you are allowed to express yourself and share your feelings. This is all hard for all of us and we are all extremely tired and exhausted from everything that happened and is happening.

The one message we would like to convey is you are not alone you matter you are important and yes you are worthy!

This is a message of Hope don’t opt-out don’t punch out don’t give up you are so much more then what you are going through.

You never know who your going to help or who will help you we are helping because people have helped us.

ACT DBT CBT EMDR Mindfulness +++++++

Sometimes IT takes so much just to find out what how why when where that you never new or was aware that people care.

You know what get up get out of that toxic fish tank and get into a fight or flight for you as you are the only one that can save you. Sorry tough love we had to say IT.

When you are surrounded by therapy and supports be IT a virtual therapist, peer group or even a volunteer commitment you change the equation of you.

So if you can change the equation you can escape the loop. If you escape the loop you can do so many different things that are good for you.

Look we know this is for someone out there…

Maybe your drinking maybe your smoking maybe your coping just to get to tomorrow using or even being abused. We send our hugs cause you can survive and you can get out. We won’t lie IT is very hard. Sometimes you need a 6 month break that’s an option. Yes you are putting life on hold and yes things may fall apart but is not everything already falling apart if your in this situation? Personally this road has been travelled. The point is don’t give up don’t surrender don’t give in cause you never know who is out there.

Someone needs to hear this message you perhaps or maybe a connection that is going through IT.

We would like to send hugs big hugs cause you can do IT! Yes you can! God Said so with help. So that means you don’t have to do IT alone.

We ask you to consider if you choose your present who can you help? If you choose to continue who will need you to be there for them in there time of need. A total stranger in a store a parking lot walking on a street or even in a support group. Someone somewhere needs you.

We hope this helps someone know you are appreciated you are valued and yes you are missed.

We send #Love #Support #Hugs }{ #ChronicDepression #suside #Anxiety #Addiction #ChrinicPain #Divergent #Diversity #ADHD #ASD #Autism #Fibromyalgia #BackPain #ChronicIllness #MentalHealth #illness

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Just need to vent #MentalHealth #Surviving abuse

So I have been driving my daughter to my oldest grandsons wrestling meets and his cousin is on the same team. My daughter's wife has been taking my youngest grandson to either his wrestling camp or chess tournament using the jeep they got at Christmas. My oldest grandson joined wrestling late in the season but still went to every practice and meet. So the first time he got to actually get out on the mat was last week and I missed it. Now my daughter watched me put his tournament on my calendar for tomorrow telling me to make sure I keep that day available. I was at their house the other night and my grandson was asking me if I'm going to come, when I said yes he then explained how much he wants his family there to support him. I called my daughter not to long ago stating that I needed to borrow my uncle's truck for an appointment and that I would be over plenty before time to leave for his tournament. She tells me to ask my uncle if I could use his truck to go 35 minutes away because since they no longer have the van the jeep only has room for the 3 boys. Mind you my uncle's truck only gets 11 miles per gallon, which is beside the point. His truck is not a taxi or Uber vehicle I just drive when I want. What has me beyond upset is that I've been busting my butt doing what I need to so I can rebuild family bonds and all that good stuff since I got out of my toxic abusive relationship, did my 8 months in jail for stupid stuff done while with my abuser, stayed in a rehab where I got help from addiction as well as domestic abuse therapy. Graduated an 18 month Drug Court/program and probation without any hiccups along the way. I got kicked out of an apartment I was sharing with a man from church. Let's just say I felt a toxic atmosphere and when I refused to do certain things for him he told me to get out. Being as I don't like conflict or confrontations I left. But being "homeless ", I'm couch hopping between my bf, my daughter's and mom's and I'm trying to meet my daughter's needs as far as getting kids back n forth. Mom is 82 and needs more help than she would like, but I'm grateful that I am able to be there to help her. Sorry, I'm rambling. But I feel as my daughter uses me and everything is good when she needs me to take her place, but when I want to go and continue what I started (going to and cheering at the meets), I don't matter since I'm not needed to drive.
Again, I apologize for such a long rant. Thank you for listening

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Poetry for healing #poetryforhealing


It came out of nowhere in the prime of my life, an illness - rare, prognosis unknown, would cause me much strife.
I went through the stages of grief, getting stuck in denial brought me temporary relief.
I was out of control but no one would notice, I was good at pretending I had a life of bliss.
I covered up all my pain with alcohol and trysts, food and travel - I did whatever I wished.
Reflecting on it now I had a death wish, almost elated this disease would bring me what I missed.
Peace and love were always out of reach, for those in my life didn’t know how to teach.
Now I understand the direction I was going, looking in all the wrong places without even knowing.
I’ve awaken from my unconscious slumber, now I’m living in a state of awe and wonder.
Could it be I’m grateful for my disease as it has guided me to a life I please?
# poetry

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“I lost a baby. I was 14 when I didn’t give my first boyfriend consent….

I lost a baby. I was 14 when I didn’t give my first boyfriend consent. I was 10 when my cousin started repeatedly molesting me. I lost a friend to alcohol poisoning and was with him the night he died, this person would’ve been my brother in law. My mother was an alcoholic and has been verbally abusive, narcissistic, and victimizing herself my entire life. She told me she should’ve aborted me and that I’m the reason we marriage with my father didn’t work. My dad was never emotionally present, he didn’t know how to be. I practically raised myself. My ex boyfriend was controlling and verbally abusive and tore down every ounce of confidence or self esteem that I had left. I gained weight, I hated myself. I struggled with post partum depression after my son was born due to a traumatic birth. My anxiety was extreme after this. I was terrified of dropping him, I was terrified of connecting with him. I loved him but couldn’t touch him. My daughter, my sweet rainbow baby is physically delayed. She can’t walk, but she sure is making progress, we’ve been in physical therapy for the last 6 months, but it’s hard reading other parents posts about the milestones their child the same age have reached. She only ever wants me and is always fussy. Are these things supposed to make me stronger? It doesn’t feel that way. It feels like weights that constantly hold my ankles under water just enough for my nose to breathe, but I’m slowly drowning because I can’t hold them up anymore. After I lost my baby I was in a depressive psychosis and almost pulled the trigger, but I wanted to live I just didn’t know how. My husband saved me. He doesn’t deserve such a mess of a human and I’m trying so hard to not mess up my children, to not let my depression take ahold and make it so I don’t get out of bed, to not let my anxiety keep me from them having an amazing childhood and taking them places and doing things. Gosh, I’m falling apart today. So I’m trying to focus on things that help. Yesterday it was organizing and avoiding snapping at my children and honestly avoid them overstimulating me with laying all over me, instead having them help me. My five year old sure felt special helping mom. Today I’m still on the couch, but their bellies are full because I got up to feed them, brush their teeth, give them their gummy vitamins, and they’re watching their favorite movie. Looking for strength, looking for courage, trying to find that happy version of me that can still barely see above water. It’s days like today that I wish my husband would take the day off and just hold me while I cry. Until then I decided to share my story here and a share a glimpse of what I’m feeling because getting it out somehow is better than not at all. Thanks for listening/reading. #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #ChildLoss #Miscarriage #SexualAssault #Surviving

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I’ve Made it to Age 40.

I turned 40 this week, and it has been a big deal for me. Not because I turned the big 4-0, but because I made it this far in life and a couple of times in my 30s, there was a chance not making it to this age.

I’m sure for many of us who live with bipolar and serious illnesses, reaching certain ages is a big deal because of all the struggles we go through living with our illnesses. Sometimes even low self-esteem and self-hatred makes the journey even tougher. When I turned 26, I wept because as a college student, I vowed to take my life at age 25 if I didn’t get my sh*t together (whatever that truly meant at that age). So, turning 26 was huge for me.

A few years later, I turned 30 and was devastated. My life was pretty much in shambles and I had no life skills to put it together. I felt so depressed I thought life was not worth living at all. A brief online chat with someone with paranoid schizophrenia changed my views, and a few months later I made the necessary changes to save my life, basically. Those changes were the best decisions I ever made, and I’m forever grateful that I made them.

There were still bumps in the road, though. Bipolar 1 disorder can be difficult and the world is filled with cruel, evil people who have no issue with destroying you as much as they can, or want. Those were dark times again for me. But I made it out. Crawling, wounded, emotionally battered, but I came out alive.

And here I am, age 40 and still here. I’m grateful I am still here. I thank God everyday for being there for me and I credit the Lord for guiding me when I didn’t realize I needed it. I also am glad, though, that I didn’t give up and kept on going.

That’s why I got this tattoo right below my wrist. The semi colon means continuing to go on despite wanting to stop. And “hope” means more than just being hopeful; it stands for “hold on, pain ends”.

I also bought a picture off Etsy of a Phoenix rising from the ashes. There’s always hope and you will always rise again. Not dancing and singing, and most likely wounded and devastated, but you will emerge from whatever or whoever tried to destroy you. And someday, you’ll spread your wings and fly again, triumphantly.

Thank you for reading, and cheers 🥂 #BipolarDisorder #SuicideIdeation #BipolarDepression #MajorDepression #IfYouFeelHopeless #CheerMeOn #dontgiveup #Surviving


Still Hurting... #Toxic People #Surviving #Unconditional Love #Too Nice

The tears just won't stop... Every time I think I do not have any left, My face is saturated with my tears from all the crying that never stops. It seems that I can't get any relief in this life for my sorrows and I can't find someone trained to give the right tools to work through things. I hate this. It's been all down hill and I am constantly fighting trying to fight my way back from illnesses and scars from my past. The worse part is I hate doing it alone. The one person I know loved me Unconditionally has long passed and every since that day I have been alone. I used to Pray to pass too because I couldn't live with the pain. But I tried to make my impression with hopes that someone would be saved from have to ever experience any of my sorrow. But I now realize no one cares nd when I part this Earth no one will miss me. I am so Broken, but I want to fight. But I just can't anymore... I am consumed by Hurt and Scars...

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What music gets you through the day?

I posted this in the Bipolar group, but thought it might be fitting here too.

I like rock (most kinds), alternative, etc, but I’m open to anything. Bonus points if you can give me a cool happy song (any genre).

Pic for attention, from the internet.

#Music #Surviving #happysongs #DistractMe


So about a week ago I left a really toxic invornment . I basically found out that where I was I wa being sexual abused by someone that claimed to be my friend LIES !
I didn’t have to leave but when the person decided she was kicking my fiancé that lived with us too for no good reason I told her to her face I was tired of the shit there and that I was deciding right then and there to move back in with my mother. Even if my mom can be in healthy person for me to be around, it’s actually healthier then what I just left!
Me and my fiancé are working as much as possible towards getting into an apartment of our own. There is a friggin huge list of things I have to get done like getting an SR22 car insurance so that I can get my drivers license back so I can have a car and be ably to legally drive literally anywhere again. The past six months I have not been able to do that and most of my money was taken by room mates . So I couldn’t ever have just enough to help out with my issues.
But I have to that, get proof I took this dui class several months ago which I swore o got papers saying I had done this! And now I those papers just disappear.
I have to make handfuls of Drs apointments to make up for ones I have missed. Reapply for food stamps!, look for new places to live with fiancé , look for possible second if not new jobs that would offer better money, go back to school, all things I was doing before it’s just all so much! But I want to stay on top of stuff not fall behind like I have been for so long. Maybe I am keeping so busy I literally feel exhausted all the time. Cause I am trying to avoid my depression and trauma for what I just went through ! #Surviving #MeToo #CPTSD



Some days as soon as I awake being alive feels like a burden. I know , I know it shall pass but until it does, it's a tough fight to function normally when there is this F5 Tornado inside my chest. Hugs to everyone who walks this path, you are not alone. #Surviving #warrior

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