I feel as though I’ve been depressed for a couple of weeks now because of all the issues that are going on in my life and I had to just turn off my give a shit button because it would’ve been too much.
So I’m off from work today, and I had all these intentions of getting things caught up.
Yet here I sit, almost 1 PM, and haven’t done anything but sit on my phone and drink coffee.
And you know what? I don’t care.
I’ve giving myself permission to blow this whole day off if I feel like it.
Does anyone else ever get like this?
Been feeling this way for a very long time now. Have everything in place - plan, letter, mode, items needed. I cannot get over the fact that no one really cares. They only say what you want to hear. The mask I wear is heavy sometimes, but I have to wear it. No one wants to hear my true feelings - that I don't want to be here anymore. Everyone wears a mask so no one knows how we really feel. I want to leave this place. Go somewhere else; where the mask is gone. Everyone is true. No walls to hide behind either. The catalyst was my therapist of 2 years telling me he is no longer my therapist. He needs to concentrate on his new position within the organization. I understand this, I do. How he did it was really, really bad for me. I am now in a tail spin, going down and fast. There is no one to stop it, no one to catch me. I'm now left alone; alone with a new therapist who I don't know AT ALL. And I'm supposed to open up, trust her when it took 2 long years to get where I was. To a place where I had complete trust in him. TRIGGER - all males in my life have done this to me. Abandonment is how I feel right now. I should have known this wasn't going to last. Never does. I must have the word "loser" tattooed on my forehead. Cause after a while, no one can tolerate me. So, I'm left asking why? What do I do that causes everyone in my life to hate me so.
I already hate myself - I'm a joke someone to take advantage of certainly not someone worth being a friend for. So I'm going to stop my meds been drinking and smoking pot more than I have been. Hiding out in my room listening to Phil Collins. Not letting anyone in - I've been hurt way too much that I cannot go on. Cannot keep the charades up anymore. I'm #depressed #lonely #hurt #activesuicidal #Whocares #Anxiety #notworthy