Whyamilikethis

your gunna ask me how I am,I'm tell u I'm fine. Ur gunna ask me what I m feeling I'm say in feeling ok. Do I cry. I might, I'm scared if I do I won't stop. Why do I cry, idk. I feel like Noone hears me, my family in these terms and my therapist. HMMMMM, JUST THEM. I don't trust ppl do not too many friends on the friendship line. The one friend I have for long time I believe isn't really a friend. Maybe cuz I can't believe anyone anymore . My schizophrenic son says he won't hurt me. I know his true self won't. But his "off" self I don't trust. Fuck even his true self scares me. Ppl will say I told you, I will say I know. Ppl will say why don't u listen and do what ur suppose to do. I'll say IDK. So where am I..I'm just between lost, dieing and death . Ppl say be strong your strong. My reply I can be, I don't wanna anymore.

What do you do when your "happy place" breaks your heart? Let me set up a scene to help you see into my mind for a sec.
To pull myself out of the pit, my brain creates a made up scenario that tosses my consciousness into whatever show/movie/game I happen to be hyperfixated on that week. When I'm deep in, I'm at peace. I forget that I'm falling off the cliff.
But it only lasts so long.
Reality really is a bitch. I crash back into the real world and it's more painful than when I "left". I feel so incredibly stupid for doing it and miserable with the fact I'll never have any of that for real.
So... I guess... Is it really a happy place or a place for me to be a masochist with depression?
#Depression #Selfhate #Whyamilikethis ?

The more I think about my life, the more depressed I get. I don't know how to explain this to my family or people around me in general. I'm so tired of everything and all I want to do is just sleep and hope I don't wake up. But that sounds really messed up, when I look at the world and see how many people are struggling/ trying their best just to live another day. This thought eats away at me every single day and I don't know how to deal with it.... #sleepforever #Depression #self -sabotage #helpless #Whyamilikethis

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Notcoping #bpdnightmare #Whyamilikethis

Brain: everything sucks and you're totally miserable
Me: okay, mood, can I ask why
Brain: no :))) #Whyamilikethis #Depression

There’s a couple things that make things more challenging than what they have to be due in part to my anxiety. I’ve had them brought to my attention once again and it’s such a hard habit to break and correct, no matter how many times I’ve tried.

One is what my husband likes to call a “conversation loop” where I’ll bring something up and it’ll be talked about for however long, eventually leading back to the original question/statement. I don’t realize I’ve done it until about the second (sometimes third) time around. I know it’s annoying as hell and especially annoys me when it’s brought up. Why do I do this?

I also have a tendency to just zone in on any given word or phrase during a conversation and starts the overthinking during those “conversation loops”. Which again, annoys me just as much as it does everyone else who has to deal with me.

The other major thing that really gets to me too is that I have a hard time letting something go and accepting things for what they are. I’m the kind of person who craves understanding and wants to know how and why people and things are the way they are and do what they do. I constantly question in hopes that I can figure it out, like a puzzle or a brain teaser. Take it apart and put it back together. When I can’t and don’t understand something, it bothers me. Where others just accept and behave the way they do, I’m asking “Why”.

Maybe it’s because I myself don’t behave, think, and speak like most and within a certain mindset or belief, so naturally I want to understand why. And I know it only results in more frustration for me, yet I still put myself through it. Tirelessly asking questions with no answers that satisfy the curiosity. So I keep asking, thus continuing the vicious cycle. Politics and the act of trying to figure out who someone is in general are examples and triggers for me, as stupid as it sounds. If I can’t and don’t understand something or someone, it makes it harder for me to accept. And I wish I understood that too.

Cognitively, I know none of this is that complicated. It is what it is and nothing more to it. Yet because of the anxiety, it makes it that much harder. I wish I could just stop overthinking everything, accept things people and things they way they are, and just be a normal person that goes about their day not even thinking about things the way I do and go about my day, having somewhat normal conversations.

#Anxiety #overthinking #Whyamilikethis

Despite of all my successes from this year, why do I still feel like I’m failing? #Whyamilikethis

Today I learned my husband of almost 4years is carrying on an affair for at least 3mos that I know of.... today I had to go to a training for my job and god forbid I leave my brother and husband for one night their world collapse... I am so tired of being the strong one. I’m tired of acting like every thing is ok. Because it’s not and I’m not that strong I’ve just learned from my horrible childhood to put a poker face one. If they could only see what’s going on in my head... I feel like no one understands me
#Bipolar1 #Whyamilikethis #nooneunderstands

How did I get here? How am I so wound up in someone who can treat me so badly? 20 years ago, I never would have fought so hard for someone who doesn’t give a shit about my feelings. Now here I am, begging, pleading, appealing , not for the man who hurt me, but the one who made me feel safe and loved. And I’m still wondering why, why do I want a man who still has feelings for someone who helped him hurt me? Wth is wrong with me?! I have lost every ounce of self respect I ever had..
#CheckInWithMe #Whyamilikethis #ashamed #Undignified