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Feeling like a China doll #PTSD

Between the insomnia, night terrors and the pervasive sorrow, guilt, pain, and terror that follow me everywhere I'm feeling so vulnerable right now. The counselling has helped me deal with the anger of but at least being angry wasn't as paralysing as this is.
I am unable to remember what I'm saying half way through saying it let alone what the question was. I don't remember anything unless it's written down, but I am failing to remember to write it down with alarming frequency.
Nothing is working to calm my mind - mindfulness is just not within my ability at the moment. I feel like I'm vibrating in my own skin from all the negative emotions that I honestly couldn't name. Please tell me I will get through this because I cannot see a way back to the surface from this abyss. How do I manage what I can only imagine is 8 years of grief surfacing? #Notcoping



I've got this horrible trait, where I feel lonely but then don't answer the door when it knocks. Ever.
To be fair I didn't know they were coming. And now I feel ignorant.
#BPD #Depression #Avoidance #Notcoping


I’m not coping

I am autistic with mental health problems. Since lockdown started, it has deteriorated, I have lost my job and am the only one at the company who has lost it. I told the guy I liked that I had feelings for him and I found out that he’s seeing someone else. I snapped at him and am worried that I might lose him as a friend. I’ve struggled getting out of bed, still am. I could lose my flat and the therapy sessions where I’m finally able to talk about my trauma from when I was a kid. I feel like nothing is getting better, that I have nothing and that this will never end. I don’t know what to do anymore.

#Autism #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Notcoping #COVID19 #feelinglonely #FeelingOverwhelmedAndPained #feelingscared


I hate Coronavirus.

So I suffer from GAD which can trigger OCD and Depression. With everything that's going on with the Coronavirus, especially being an NHS employee, I'm struggling. I have to have my daily routines and I have to do things in set ways. If this ends up being changed then my world pretty much crumbles. I don't sleep very well, I have nightmares every night and have done since a child so I'm always up between 3 and 4am in which I get ready to go to the gym before work, to try and stabilise my mood for the day.
Though this morning I got up normal time and headed to the gym (which is at work) and I found that it was closed until further notice due to Corona. Now whilst my rational brain understands why they had to close it, the anxiety part of me had a meltdown. I ended up just bursting into tears right in front of the gym door and my breathing increased rapidly. This was almost the straw that broke the camel's back as most of my other normal routines have been messed up due to shops being closed/without the right amount of stock, not being able to go certain places etc which had already caused a lot of panic but I had managed to keep it under wraps.
So now all of my energy is going into keeping myself sane and making sure I act and look normal in front of all of my colleagues and I'm already exhausted.
All I want to do is go home and curl up in a ball until this all goes away and I can go back to doing all the things I normally do.



morning world. they’ve switched my meds again, but they might need to up the dose as my paranoia isn’t great. i’m just really worried all the time that they will leave me. so much so i’ve had visions of everyone packing their bags and walking out the flat. i’ve just lay on my floor and had a panic attack because i push too hard. i try so hard to be a part of people’s lives that i panic about being in too deep or annoying them. i try so they won’t leave, so there’s less chance of them upping and going. i’m so worried A and E will leave. i need them so much right now but that makes me needy. everyone is dealing with their own shit and then i rock up. right now i despise myself. don’t know what to do. #Depression #Anxiety #Notcoping #MentalHealth


i’m sat on the stairs outside another accommodation on campus. it’s -1 degrees celsius here. it’s almost midnight. i’m biting everything; my hands, lips, arms, psoriasis. i really hate myself right now. i feel so angry but i don’t have the energy to be. i want to hit something but i can’t find the strength. this is a trigger night i know it. tonight is not good. my friend came into my room because i isolated myself. i don’t do it for attention but i needed to feel. i’m feeling too much at the moment. i’m not coping. i have the doctors tomorrow. it’s really cold. i don’t want to feel things right now it’s a bit too much. my friends will get sick of me and that scares the shit out of me. i love them so much. but they didn’t come to uni to put up with sad anxious fractured me. this is the first time i’m considering dropping out. i won’t because i can’t make my parents unhappy, plus it makes money really complicated. i’m really not okay right now, if anyone can offer some nice quotes they’re always appreciated. #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #Notcoping

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Today has been rough. Not only am I struggling to fight my inner demons. The things that keep me up at night. The reasons life and everything in it make me anxious. I’m also having to deal with harsh words from someone who means so much to me. I’ve been told my “behaviour” is selfish. Purely because of depression and over doses. Should I be shamed in to believing I’m selfish? I know perhaps in some people’s eyes suicide is a selfish act. But I guess those people have never been on the edge.. Never been pushed to the point of giving up on yourself. I feel my life spiralling and I don’t know how to stop it. My head is a mess and I’m fearing its more than depression.. But, too scared to find out what else it could be. Please.. I beg of you mighty warriors, help me! Advice, positive vibes, virtual hugs, anything.. I need something at this extremely lonely hour.. #Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety #BrainFog #Losingthewill #Notcoping #help #Someonesaveme #Insomnia


On of those days

I’m having one of those days where I’m looking back at my life so far; the regrets from opportunities missed and the people I thought would be there that weren’t and those that understood stayed and helped me through the hard times. Day to day can be a struggle and not many people understand that because I learned to put on a smile and hide the hurt, low confidence, and self doubt. It’s not because they don’t care but because they don’t understand, because my illness and my disability isn’t on the outside it’s hidden within, behind huge walls that ive build to protect myself from more pain and hurt because I know that if I let any more in I’m gonna break and I don’t think I’ll be able to put myself back together again. #thosedays #Anxiety #Notcoping