Adoption

Trigger warn: self harm
Trying to keep up, busy, so busy.
When night comes,the house is silent, then the monster comes out.
My psychiatrist thinks that I look for drama, I think, but who likes to feel like shit? Really? It's not a choice, I think.
I am not exercicing, eating sooooo much crap! Cutting a bit, here and there: pieces of nothing, very small scratches on my hands, because looks like kitchen accident.
I guess that is the very little control I have over my life.
My biological family calls me and calls me. They are so nice, but I get tired with all this "I love you", then I feel mean, just for thinking that it's a bit too much.
I don't feel it. I want to feel something for them, I really do. My biological mother, from heaven, must be shaking her head. How did I became this monster? They are all there, same town, living close to each other, and I'm here. Growing up like a rich kid, getting all, and nothing.
That connection was maybe a not so good idea. Because I feel like I have to give something in exchange, I have nothing, I'm hollow inside.
My adopted family... They are ok.
But I'm so hollow... Empty. Waiting for weekends to drink while watching a movie, not really getting drunk. Stuffing my face with sugar.
Hollow.
Nothing inside. Work, home, cook, clean, fold laundry, spend money, making more and more debts.
Hollow
#Selfharm , #Adoption , #Depression ,#Family . #emptness , #hollow , #Enuresis

My husband wants to help me so bad. He keeps trying to come up with ideas on how to magically fix everything. I can’t have children and I can’t afford IVF. It’s never going to happen for me unless some miracle happens… everyone’s favorite line to tell me anytime I mention infertility but I digress… he wants to fix it so bad he keeps trying to come up with ideas. He asked me the other day if he could just find someone who doesn’t want kids and get them pregnant (by IUI, not sex) and then they sign the baby over to me…. No woman is going to want to get pregnant and carry a baby for 9 months and then give it up intentionally unless they are getting paid for it in cases of surragacy. That’s not a solution. If we had the money for surrogacy we could just do the IVF. Surrogacy costs more than IVF. It’s all the same process except instead of going back inside of my body, it would go inside of theirs. If I could do that I would just want to carry the baby myself. My uterus is fine. My tubes are the problems so if we could do it I would but financially we can’t and it was a “time is of the essence” situation so we really don’t have time to do it later when we have the money. I have accepted adoption as being my only option. That’s okay with me. It’s taken me a lot of time to get to this point but we are certified foster parents now. We have been for a couple months now but haven’t gotten our first placement yet. I just don’t think he has accepted that yet. I think he yearns for children of his own and knowing he won’t ever have that with me bothers me so I know it has to bother him. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m doing the only thing that’s going to be able to make me happy but I’m hurting him at the same time. I want him to have what he wants in life too. And I have a million irrational fears about him leaving me or cheating to get some random girl pregnant just to be able to have a child that’s biologically his. I think I’m just crazy on that part but it’s still a fear in my mind. I know he loves me more than anything and he gives me the world 🌎. He is my best friend and my partner in life. Even though he is my everything, I still have breakdowns every now and again especially around my period just because I’m overly emotional at that time and that’s a reminder every month that I’m not ever be able to get pregnant. It’s hard enough dealing with a period but it’s worse with infertility. I think it breaks him somehow every time he sees me crying my eyes out over it. He feels like he has to be the superhero who swoops in and saves the day but he can’t in this situation. Can anyone else relate? I’ve reached the point where I’m feeling kind of alone in this. I know I’m not alone but I’ve just been kind of down lately. My state has a bad need for foster parents because you see signs everywhere asking for them but yet it’s been 5 going on 6 months since we were certified and we haven’t gotten a placement yet. #Infertility #Marriage #FosterCare #Adoption #lonely #relate #MentalHealth

I read a story by someone who gave her child for adoption and she said she misses her daughter. I miss my biological mother. The hole in my heart is for her and nothing can ever fill it I can’t stop crying for her. I hope she gets a chance to hear her child forgive her as I do mine.

I'm just wondering if there is anyone else who has been diagnosed with C-PTSD and was adopted. I wasn't abused or intentionally neglected as a child, but the diagnosis nonetheless fits well. Adoption is the obvious culprit because I was already screwed up by my sixth birthday. My mother arranged a surprise party when I refused to discuss my birthday, and I ended up having a meltdown because I was convinced that my friends were seeing the wrong version of me (it felt life-threatening).

Apart from my genetic mother experiencing severe stress, nothing unusual happened prior to my birth. My genetic parents subsequently married and raised two normal, well-adjusted kids. I remain on good terms with them but still feel irreparably damaged and worthless.

I spent my childhood building and perfecting defences against the world, such that it seemed like I was peering at it through gun slits. The 'tank', as I call it, tried to suppress my defective, alien self, but couldn't eradicate it. While I used to be good at containing my emotions, I'm now prone to intense flashes of anger/rage in response to minor irritations, or deep depression if I dwell for too long on childhood memories. I can't even bring myself to set eyes on the house where I spent the first 25 years of my life.

It's nice to finally have a name for my weirdness, but if I'd known earlier about C-PTSD I might not have been so hard on myself.

#Adoption