anger

#Anxiety #anger #Fear #Depression

If it takes me cussing people out, then I will. I am really sorry I have become this person, but I just don’t like the feeling of being ignored, hurt, lied to, people stopped talking to me, people saying things that they don’t mean, like saying they will be there, they won’t leave but they eventually do. I have never done anything wrong but it just seems like to me people talk to who they want, care about who they want, spend time or hang out with who they want, but when it comes time for them to make new friends or talk to other people, I have noticed people stop talking to me. It makes me feel like I am invisible and don’t matter. That is why I don’t get close to people, I don’t even leave the house anymore because of it, I don’t put myself out there because I don’t see the point anymore. I feel like I will never change because I am always going to find it hard to start the conversation first because I don’t do well with socializing, because I don’t know what to say, I have always been way too shy to message first and also the reason I don’t reach out is because I have a fear of rejection or being ignored but I also don’t because I know life can get busy with job, kids, or just anything. I know that I have my boyfriend, with him I don’t have to worry about anything or anybody hurting me because I know that he will always be there, he will talk to me, he will not ignore me, or just anything. Despite everything, he has autism, I know it can be a struggle sometimes because he doesn’t always get it or understand when I need time to myself, space, or to do anything, communication is always a problem but it’s not that he is ignoring me or if I don’t message him back right away, he will send multiple messages until I reply, which I know is linked to his autism, I know that it’s something he can’t control or help but it isn’t something that I will leave him over. I am also going to stick around through it all, I love him but also the reason I stay is because I am afraid of being alone because if I wasn’t with him then I know I will be alone because no friends stay around and everyone else leaves. He also takes care of me, he is okay with me being very dependent and everything but he also treats me like a queen, but there will be a time when I will be able to go back to him. I won’t have to worry about anything anymore, whether that be people leaving, my stepdad accusing me of things I don’t do, calling me names to put me down, calling my music I listen to witchcraft or devil music when it’s not but also my mom who drinks every day and decides not to get help, but I am done with it all and everything. I know that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to or that I am not comfortable with, which that includes getting a job because if I had one it would be too much for me to handle to the point I would be lashing out and getting angry at people I work with, but I am just done trusting people to stick around when they will just leave when I did nothing wrong, but I feel like I am replaceable anyways which is why I cling onto my boyfriend and attach myself because I know that he will never leave me. I have him and he is all I need because in the end, everyone just leaves anyways. I am sorry if I can’t always control my anger sometimes and I don’t want to break anything like I used to but I am tired of caring anymore. I don’t put myself out there, I don’t get close to people, which once I move back to him then that’s it because I’m not going to let anybody in and the only person I want to feel close to is him because it’s just the repetitive cycle with everyone else because since I am never going to be the one to start conversations, I don’t want to reach out first unless people talk to me, some people only want to be friends with people who put in the same effort as them which I am never going to be that person and all of that is not going to change. I have him at least, who will stick around, who shows up for me and he never will leave me, but I will be moving back to him soon because at least I have someone there who will tend to my needs, take care of me, and everything or there is somedays there is times I am too tired to get out bed, eat and have the energy which he will help me with the things I struggle with or other tasks I can't do on my own like hygiene, cooking, laundry or just anything but as don't do phone calls either because I prefer texting. He treats me like a queen and he is all that I ever want but nothing is going to change that, I will risk anything for my relationship just so I don’t have to be alone. He also comforts me when I am feeling sad, he sings to me, and does everything he can to make me feel better, and I know I will get to experience that when I move back to him too. He always knows how to cheer me up when I am down. When I am around him, I don’t need space or time alone. He’s the only one who I can always count on, and that’s all I need but since I don't like going anywhere alone or doing anything alone that is why I have him because I also care and worry about what people think of me when I am in person because I have a learning disability because I am afraid of being judged, laughed at, looked at a certain way and I have heard people that do get bullied because they have a disability, for their appearance or anything but even going out to the grocery store makes me feel uncomfortable. My reaction to when people stop talking to me, lying to me, leaving me, or I feel as if people make new friends or forget about me or just anything to hurt me makes me get angry and crying is my reaction but I am just done. He will be so clingy to the point I can't do anything, I am okay with that so I don't have to be alone and everything but I would rather have someone talk my ear off and blow up my phone rather than someone who would leave because believe me when I do get so clingy when I get ignored or anything and I have become the same way but i have decided not to reach out. I only told my friends that he treated me wrong because they wasn't talking to me anymore or like they used to. Onetime when I lived with him they did threaten to beat me up if I didn't come back to Georgia when that isn't what friends do but he does treat me right. I have nothing here for me in Georgia or i feel like I have nobody but to be honest I am done putting myself out there, I am done getting close to people or even letting people into my life anymore when all they do is leave. That includes being independent because I don't have to if I don't to which i am not, I also don't want anybody trying to tell me how to live my life or what to do because I will do what I want to do and makes me feel comfortable. I spend hours on video call with my boyfriend because we can understand each other better especially when we meet in person again and we have been together for 8 years and going on 9 in February and with his autism it is much easier for him. He will always do what he has always done for me, that is what I need in my life and that means so much to me, he is the only one I want to be with and there is nothing going to change that.

I am really sorry that I do come off as very bitter, as if I had stopped caring or not to let people in, stopped getting close to people because everyone leaves and it makes me feel as if everyone is the same and the only one who stays is my boyfriend who has showed up for me, promised me that and everything.

I'm Ashley, and I’m 27 years old. I’ve been dealing with depression since I was 17. Most days, I stay at home because it makes me feel safe. I do different activities based on how I feel, like listening to music, eating, sleeping, watching TV, journaling, and coloring. Starting conversations is really hard for me; I often struggle to think of what to say and feel very shy about messaging people first. I understand why some people might choose to leave, and I worry a lot about reaching out because I’m scared of rejection or being ignored. Sometimes I think nobody would really want to talk to me. Being in public, especially in crowds, is tough for me, which makes asking for help difficult. I don’t like making phone calls and prefer texting or emailing because I’m scared of being judged or misunderstood. I feel too nervous to talk on the phone. If I had friends to video call, I’d probably just stay quiet the entire time because I feel anxious and don’t know how to keep the conversation going. I know it’s hard for me to share all of this, but my worries often lead me to feel sad and sometimes angry. I’m currently in a relationship with my boyfriend, who can be controlling. He tells me what to say in messages and doesn’t give me much personal space; he can be super clingy at times, but I understand because I can be the same way too. If I don’t reply right away, he deletes his messages or sends a lot of them again until I reply, which adds to my stress. Even though he helps me with daily tasks I struggle with, like cooking, hygiene, and laundry, talking on the phone is hard for me, and I love him for being there when others have left me, but it still feels complicated. He has mentioned that he has a bit of autism that he calls borderline autism, and while I support him, it can be hard for me to be alone. I’d rather be with someone who stays. I know I shouldn’t think that everyone is the same, but after being hurt many times, I can’t help but feel this way. My stepdad adds to my stress too; he often accuses me of things that aren’t true, judges my music taste, and invades my privacy by coming into my room when I’m not there. He even turns off the extension cord where my devices are plugged in, or sometimes turns off the whole fuse box just because he doesn’t like my music. One time, when I was playing my favorite band on TV, he called it witchcraft or devil music when music is something that helps me through a lot, so I listen to it on my laptop instead. I really wish my mom would stop drinking, but she refuses to get help. I know she won’t leave my stepdad because of her money problems since she has so many bills, so I feel like it’s best for me to find a way out of my situation, even if that means moving back in with my boyfriend. I don’t want to feel pressured to be independent or to get a job because that feels overwhelming. I don’t have to do anything I don't want to, and I am not comfortable with. I worry that my anger might cause me to lash out at times, which is why I don’t have a job; it would be too hard to manage that with my anger. I get a monthly check, and I’m scared that if I work, it might get cut, which makes me more anxious. I prefer saving my money because it feels easier and less stressful. I often think about moving back to my boyfriend, away from Georgia, because it might help ease my worries about being alone and having someone there, even with his controlling behavior. I love that he holds me when I cry, and I realize that I might not be making complete sense, but I just want to be in a relationship. I love him so much, and I fear that everyone will leave me. I need someone who means what they say and won’t lie or leave me. He is okay with me being dependent, and he takes care of me, which makes me feel safe. I refuse to be single because it seems like I will never find anybody else like him who can deal with me being very dependent. He has been there for me through so much, and I also hate doing things by myself because I get nervous and anxious, worrying about everything that could happen. But with him, I don’t have to worry about those things. I’ve been with him for 8 years, and even though he can be controlling, he is very loyal and has done everything to keep me safe. He comforts me when I feel alone and sad. He will never give attention to other women, and he made it clear to me that he only wants me. I have always had trouble making friends because starting conversations is hard for me. I often feel shy about messaging first, and at the same time, I don’t reach out because I am afraid of rejection and being ignored. I understand why people leave because I struggle with conversations, especially starting them. I just really miss having someone like him who comforts me when I cry. I wouldn't have to go through anything alone if I were still living with him, despite everything. I have become very clingy because my fear of rejection has led to anger over time. It is hard to control my feelings because every little thing makes me angry, and then I want to explode. It's tough not to feel angry because I’ve been hurt before, and it’s hard to be nice to people who seem to ignore me. When I think about going back to him, I won’t have to worry about being alone or feel judged for having a learning disability. I truly love him so much; he makes me happy despite his controlling behavior. I would rather deal with this than be alone with people who will leave, ignore me, or hurt me. I just needed to get everything off my chest and share what I am going through. I have spent so many holidays, occasions, and everything with him, but when I am in Georgia, I just feel very alone, isolated, or like nobody wants to hang out, and also the reason I don't reach out to other people is that I know they have their own lives, kids, and jobs, which I can understand, but it is the same as in person with making conversations. I do feel like sometimes I don't feel understood or that nobody cares because of the things that happen, but I also hate to tell people my problems or feel like a burden because I know people go through their own problems too, so I end up keeping things bottled up inside and choose to suffer or have the feeling like I will be laughed at, bullied, or judged for how I feel, my problems, or anything. I do find joy in doing things, but sometimes I just lose interest and don’t want to do anything.

Dealing with grandparents who took custody of my son, continue to push against me by subtlety 'asking' I drive to get my son(I have neither a license right now or a vehicle but a roomie n friend who has helped...in emergency) they assume I can do this. Court orders it I pay them money in child support which seems wrong. Anyways the judge ordered it as they asked and the reason was transportation costs n now it's suddenly not good enough and I'm the only solution. I suspect they sooner maintain custody and control our time to as it's shown in little things like tell me not to cut my son's hair...he needed one so I did so. Normal yes? Well they're taking this shit. Since they pay they take final say is that it. I've caught their lies n in court. The judge seems amblivious. I fear it's gonna wind up right back there. Arregh I hate it. #anger is a central secondary feeling to the frustration and feeling disgusted by their arrogance.

I have been deprived of love all my life then i found a guy who loved me so much and he showed me what a green healthy relationtion looks like everything was fine and one day he left bcz he just thought that he was controlling and toxic and he doesnt wana impose certain things on me like losing my male friends deactivating my socials cuz he was too possesive and also he was sole earner of his family so he was financially stressed out but after 10 days he came back saying he cant live without me and after 4 days he left again saying he had too much on his plate he cant deal with a relation right now i left him for his sake he also used things like religion and haram stuff cuz im a muslim but i still dont know i was a 10 with him we both treated each other well and i just cant forget what we had i see him on twtr he seems happy and i am not the same i cry have anger issues all of a sudden im losing interst i dont wanna talk to any more new people sometimes i crave attention make me wana become a playgirl but that not me i still feel used and a girl who can be passed time with cuz thats what him leaving made me feel
#needhelp #depress #anger

Let me make this clear, and maybe I can get some of your thoughts.

If someone tires to start drama over things like animes or tv shows, or even tv show episodes.. I will be so freaking done with them.

But then again, a lot of times those kinds of people are just looking to start an angrument over a tv show epsiode, for whatever reason.

#Drama #anger #MentalHealth

So, a few weeks ago on a Saturday, I opened an email from the Department of Corrections State of Indiana for the past 20 years like I always do however to my surprise this email was different and was about to turn my world upside-down once again!

Twenty years ago, this October 21, 2004, my brother Jesse was murdered by his estranged wife (the monster). The monster shot him to death in his new apartment 💔 😢. The state of Indiana Prosecutor's office made a plea deal with my family knowledge. The plea was for 50 years in prison, only to serve 45 years. The monster had to serve half of 45 years and be on parole for five years. In Indiana, murders only have to serve half of the sentence time despite murdering productive citizens.

The email I received was informing that the monster's release date has drastically changed and is now being released November 5, 2024. This immediately caused me to spiral emotionally and mentally I could barely breathe. I immediately informed our Mom about the drastic change to the monster's release date. I immediately searched for the contact information for the state of Indiana Prosecutor's office and called to schedule a phone conference with a prosecutor.

I had my phone conference with a new prosecutor. Unfortunately, it wasn't the one who dealt with my brother's murder case. Apparently, everyone who worked during that time has retired, so I will never have my questions answered. The prosecutor was kind enough to speak with me and our Dad for over an hour. He tried to answer some legal questions we had. However, we are left with more questions than answers.

After that phone conversation, I received another letter from the Department of Corrections stating that the monster is requesting to be placed in a transition program instead of serving the rest of the sentence in prison. Unlike 20 years ago, the Department of Corrections in Indiana has provided my family the opportunity to send in statement letters to the court and the prosecutor's office in hopes of keeping the monster in prison longer.

Now, we are waiting to hear the decision from the courts in Indiana.

I do believe in "rehabilitation" for those in jail and prison. What I don't believe in is "good behavior." Reducing a monster sentence who murdered people should never happen! Except, in those circumstances of self-defense! (These are my personal opinions. Not open for a debate) Yes, I believe in this even if the monster was my family member. There are other ways of dealing with things in life besides murder.

My views on capital punishment changed dramatically after my brother was murdered. Before that day, I believed in.the death penalty and vengeance. However, after I received that phone call, I no longer believe in judicial death penalty for all. I actually spoke the words of forgiveness towards the monster who murdered my brother.

However, unlike what society says, "Time doesn't help with pain, sorrow, heartache 💔, and so on!" I have night terrors every night, I struggle mentally, emotionally, and physically, and the images of my brother's last day plays in my mind like a movie 24/7/365!

I'm struggling and don't know how to deal right now! Help me please 🙏🏽 😢 😭 💔
#Depression #anger #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Pain #Heartache #suffering

Today, I'm done with normal people. My parents dare to ask me:
-why do I put on my tens when I just injured myself and I have sed
-why do I keep moving during the family meal even though I have possible ADHD, Tsa and I have SED and I am hypersensitive to smells, sounds and others...
-why, I didn't sleep well last night even though I'm on edge because I'm out of my usual routine where I have a lot of things to soothe me and I wasn't able to put on my Tens yesterday...
What should I do ? I can not stand it anymore. At least we're going back tomorrow. But, if all future holidays are like this... I hope to do a happier post next weekend 🦊😓👋 #anger

(I know this is long, but I'd really appreciate responses on this post in particular)

I already wrote part of this post before, but it got deleted even though I only turned my phone off for a few minutes. But my point is that I might miss some details I had before.

I was nearly to the point where all of my classes were at least neutral, if not good. It took the entire school year, but with less than 20 days left, I thought I had finally made it.

However, now I'm having problems in my theatre class again. We're doing our last assignment, which is a group project where we get to write a script and perform a small play. I've worked with a number of people, including this one girl who I've become friends through theatre. But I've only ever gotten to work with her once because she has a really good friend in there, and they always work together. The reason they weren't working together is because her friend was going to a regional theatre competition, so she was excused from theatre assignments. It was really fun, and she was by far the best person I had worked with in the class. But again, because of that, I've never worked with her since because all of our projects have been two people dialogs.

Until this final assignment. I was really looking forward to it, and got into the group with the girl I've worked with as well as her friend (who I've recently become a bit interested in). But there's also another guy in our group. He was the first person I worked with, but I stopped because he had some pretty violent and twisted ideas, and also sucked at listening to other people's ideas.

But now there's a bigger problem. Looking back, I've realized he's always kind of done this, but now it's just out of hand. He just constantly tears into me about everything, from my theatre skills down to the way I sit. And while the two girls listen to my ideas, this guy constantly cuts me off and doesn't like any of my ideas. He also messes around a ton, which really annoys both me and my friend, but he's even managed to distract her at times.

The problem is that everybody thinks he's this really funny guy. So he can slam into me all he wants, and nobody realizes how mean he is to me, because they can't see past this comedic type mask. He seems really nice, and is to everyone else (mostly). But obviously I see through it because I'm the target. Even my teacher doesn't realize, though that may be because he's not inherently mean to me when she's nearby.

But now I'm going to have to talk to my teacher and ask to switch groups, and then have this drama following behind me the rest of the year. And I feel like I'm gonna look like the bad guy because this guy looks like he's a great person all the time. Not to mention this'll be the last chance I have to work with the girls, who are really fun to be around.

This is really the first time I've ever truly been bullied, where it's just this frequent hostility from one person. And it doesn't really hurt that much because my self-image and confidence are off the charts. But it does make me really mad. And I just wish there was a way I could still work with my two friends but get rid of him, because I'll just end up with some group that isn't very invested in the class.