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Trying to Keep it Together #struggling #Trauma

Ever have a day, week or month where you feel like the world is against you? That’s where I’m at now. I’m severely depressed and just want to block out the world. My symptoms seem to be getting worse. Psychosis is looming on the horizon. That’s what has me anxious. I just want to be healed from the trauma I survived. I’m tired of drowning in shame. My emotions are all over the place lately. I just want to be happy and healthy and while I know there is no magical pill to make my past and pain go away, I wish there was. I have a support system and mental health support but when I’m alone with my thoughts that’s when things get bad. I have a list of therapy skills I could use but those go out the window when I’m upset. I just wish I could have it together. I took a few days off from work to relax but I’m still depressed. I know I have to keep it together for everyone else but I often wonder about how people would react if they knew everything. Disclosure of abuse is a gamble, at least in my experience. I’ve gotten bad reactions and good ones. Sometimes I think it’s better to keep it to myself. I don’t like dumping on people it just makes me feel bad. Besides there’s not much they can do anyway. It’s in the past and yet I feel like the past is following me around. Until this triggering event is over, I have to deal with all this. I’m just tired and have hit a wall I guess. I know it will pass but I’m really struggling right now.

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #SexualAssault #MentalHealth #Therapy #needhelp #CheckInWithMe

11 reactions 4 comments

Trauma Venting Continued #Trauma #Abuse

Update: The insurance problem has been fixed. I am able to keep my therapist and psychiatrist:)

Despite this small victory I still have a lot to vent about. One of my biggest pet peeves is that the abusers in my life don't seem to care about how their actions have effected me. Yes I know that them not caring is what makes them abusive but I have this strong desire to have a sense of control over my situation. I don't want to control people in a manipulative way like I was but I like predictability. Predictability = safety. If I know what's going to happen I feel like I can handle it better than not knowing. I suppose this goes back to the abuse. Growing up I never knew what to expect. I just tried my hardest to be a good daughter. I thought that if I just did that then maybe they would treat me better. I held on to the few "good times" when things were okay and my basic needs were being met. In therapy my therapist suggested that I don't miss the abusers but what should have and could have been. She's right. I find myself really sad and grieving some days and others I'm fine. It's just frustrating because I thought I had made it through the grieving process. Just when I thought I had it packed away it comes back up. I suppose part of the problem is all the brainwashing too. I am working really hard to undo it all but it's hard. I recently learned that you don't have to be abused in a cult to experience brainwashing. I sometimes resort to my old thought and behavior patterns for whatever reason sometimes. I just don't understand how an abuser can do what they do. The #SexualAbuse was really bad because it ended in a sexual assault. But the #EmotionalAbuse was just as bad. Both types of abuse have distorted the way I see things and myself. I hate it. Sometimes I feel so abnormal though my therapist says my reactions to the trauma are normal. I want to release the desire to control others but I think I struggle with control because I never had any before. I just don't want to be like them. As a side question: Anyone else that experience sexual abuse experience hyper sexuality and have sexually abusive fantasies? I struggle with this and though I've done research on the reasons why, I still struggle. How can I release my desire to be in control and how can I gain control over my sexuality? Thanks for reading.

#PTSD #Childhoodtrauma #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #needhelp #venting #selfharmsurvivor #suicideattemptsurvivor


Trauma Venting/Emotional Release #Trauma #Vent

Have no idea why this is posting on my old account but here goes: I lost my medical assistance today which means I lost my therapist and psychiatrist. Since I use writing as a general coping mechanism, I'll probably be writing here a lot. I just need to rant and vent and get all these negative emotions out. I am so burnt out, stressed out and anxious beyond words. My mental health feels like it is spiraling and I'm just watching unable to do anything. Having to testify in court doesn't help either. I have to do that next Tuesday. That has been on my mind and negatively impacting me for a while now. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel directionless. I am tired and not just physically but emotionally and mentally too. I'll find myself crying for no reason or the #PTSD will get triggered by the smallest things. I have that from being subjected to years of abuse both sexually and emotionally. The feelings I felt while being abused come up often and I don't know how to cope. I feel like I am going backwards in my healing. I am scared and worried that without mental health help I will fall back into a deep depression and fall back into suicidal thoughts and self harm. I've worked very hard to stay away from that. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I really don't. Yet all the skills I learned in therapy seem to go out the window when I'm in or nearly in crisis mode. I know I should practice self care right now but I'm just overwhelmed. Too stressed, anxious, scared, angry, sad, tired, burnt out in general to even care. I just need help to process all of this and I don't know where else to turn. I don't want to mess up everything I've worked to achieve. Yet I drown in feelings of guilt, shame, self hatred and self blame. I know I shouldn't but I do. I just need reassurance and hope but even that seems like too much. I don't know how much more of this I can take honestly. I just don't.

#CheckInWithMe #needhelp

5 reactions

Loss of Assistance/High Anxiety/Burnout #AnxietyAttack #AnxietyTriggers

This morning I found out suddenly that I lost my medical assistance because of my higher income. I am shopping around for medical insurance but I’m too anxious to focus. This was the last thing I needed to hear today. I have to testify in court on Tuesday and that has me worked up enough. I feel so mentally and emotionally exhausted. I’ll cry for no reason sometimes. I’m so tired and not just physically. I can’t describe it. I don’t know what I’ll do until I find a new psychiatrist and new therapist. I kind of figured this would happen but I wasn’t expecting it today. I set up a therapy appointment for Wednesday which I might still be able to do I hope. If not, I’m afraid of what will happen. Therapy gave me a space to process my trauma. I don’t want to go back to life without medication. It was really bad. The medication is what helps me to manage most of my symptoms especially the Bipolar Disorder. I was in DBT therapy and that taught me a lot. I feel without these things that everything will fall apart again. I just need help and encouragement right now. I don’t mean to vent but this has been consuming me and I feel if I don’t talk about it I will start having self destructive thoughts again. I know there are crisis numbers I can call but I’m trying hard to avoid that. I’m trying to stick to a routine and stay positive about things but right now that seems nearly impossible. I appreciate any comments. I just feel so burnt out right now. Well that’s all for now. If you made it this far, thanks.

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #SexualAssault #EmotionalAbuse #Anxiety #MentalHealth #needhelp #WritingThroughIt #CheckInWithMe #ChildhoodAbuse #Vent

17 reactions 4 comments

Just Too Much #Anxiety #frustration #needhelp

You ever have a an hour, day, week, month or even year when things just got to be too much? Like you're on emotional overload then it results in either shutting down or lashing out? That's how things have been for me lately. These past few weeks have just worn me out both mentally and physically. Working full time, managing my mental health and maintaining a healthy relationship have become somewhat of a challenge. It seems like the littlest things set me off to either shut down and want to be alone or for my emotions to explode (not just anger but sadness too). I'll cry uncontrollably for apparently no reason, I'll become irritated and touchy. I'll shut down and not respond. When I do respond, it's with intensity.

I do have a history of trauma, so maybe my emotions are telling me that I have more processing to do. Or maybe I'm just under too much stress. I haven't been sleeping well (have been getting up super early) then staying up all day. Today I tried to rest but my thoughts are racing and all I feel like doing is screaming into a void. Since I can't do that I have to find another outlet. I have been reading about stress reduction techniques but haven't found anything that works. Perhaps all this stress and being on an emotional rollercoaster (#BipolarDisorder ) is finally taking a toll on me. I feel like there is no period of stability in between mood episodes (yes I told my psychiatrist and he put me on a new medication).

Maybe all these rapidly changing episodes combined with the trauma is causing more problems than it is solving. Right now I just need encouragement and support. Normally I try to support and encourage others but tonight I need the support, prayers and encouragement. I'm tired in general, but especially tired of the emotional rollercoaster. #PTSD doesn't help either because the intrusive memories can trigger me to be more emotional and #BPD makes regulating those emotions even harder.

I don't want to give up but I feel like I am going backwards and relapsing with some of my symptoms. Which I guess is normal with stress. I want to work, and have a great relationship but that seems hard right now. I'm just really struggling and again I would greatly appreciate the prayers, support and encouragement. Stay safe and reach out for help as always.

Blessings to you all,


#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Childhoodtrauma #stressed #needhelp #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #frustration

35 reactions 11 comments

Anxiety Near Panic #PTSD

My anxiety is becoming an even bigger problem than usual. I won't go into detail but I have a life changing event coming up soon and it is giving me so much anxiety that I feel triggered. In fact I'm worried about getting triggered during this event. I haven't been able to focus on anything and I've been near obsessing. It's just what happens when I'm anxious. But this anxiety is near panic and though I've tried to not think or worry about it there's not much I feel like I can do. I'm really struggling right now not to mention that I'm also kinda depressed because of the Bipolar Disorder, so I'm really in a tough spot. Even just thinking about or talking about the event makes me really anxious that I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. I know I should practice grounding techniques but that's really hard right now. Any advice or encouragement would be appreciated. Thank you.

#abusesurvivor #panic #needhelp

19 reactions 11 comments

Life's Unfairness #rant

My therapist told me yesterday that life is unfair. This sounds cliche and it probably is but it is reality. This I know. However I think I've dealt with enough of life's unfairness (at least for a while). I had 12 years of my life stolen from me by a man that was supposed to love and care for me. That didn't happen. Instead I was subjected to years of sexual abuse and was sexually assaulted. I was emotionally abused by a woman that was supposed to care about my feelings but didn't and still doesn't. All this pain is relatively fresh because the abuse only ended a few years ago. I feel that I have put in so much work through therapy and in my life in general to heal and yet even that doesn't seem good enough.

Maybe part of me doesn't want to accept the reality. That's something I need to work on. I often judge myself for many things and I want to work on this but at the moment I can't. I am too overcome with emotions to do that. I'm frustrated, angry, sad, depressed, confused. All the emotions I felt shortly after my trauma, I am feeling them again. On top of life being unfair by not allowing me to see a sibling that I miss and love very much. I cry over the whole situation sometimes yet I know my abusers aren't crying over me.

Somedays I think about giving up, I feel completely defeated like I do now. I know that it's a mindset but it's a hard one to get out of. Especially when I feel so helpless. There are so many factors in the situation that I have no control over, mainly other people unfortunately. And I have to accept this too. I can just add it to my list of things I have to accept. I know that I should look for a positive (my therapist says that a lot) but I don't think I can right now. I guess I just need to sit with my emotions right now.

I'm just so emotionally and mentally tired right now. Part of me wishes I couldn't feel anything right now. I'm tired of the emotional pain. Tired of feeling this way. Yet there appears to be nothing I can do. I'm just at a loss right now. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Rant over.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #rant #Life #frustrated #needhelp

25 reactions 8 comments

How to overcome the past? #Trauma

I feel like I've put in a lot of healing work to get where I am now. Then again, I feel like there are things that I don't acknowledge. The reality of #SexualAbuse and #SexualAssault are too much for me to accept at times. The #EmotionalAbuse is a little easier for me to cope with I guess because there isn't that much shame associated with it. With the sexual abuse I feel so ashamed because it was a family member that abused me in both cases. Emotional abuse is somewhat easier to deal with because I can better see how it has effected me and I can work through it.

The sexual abuse however is a different story. I also struggle with healthy communication. Whenever I am ever confronted with something difficult or something that makes me feel ashamed or guilty, I instinctively shut it down. I refuse to talk and develop a f**k you attitude. I know that it isn't healthy and it's rude to ignore people but sometimes I get so overwhelmed sometimes that I just refuse to confront it.

Yes I know that shutting down is no longer serving me but I still find myself doing it. Growing up I learned to keep to myself and I guess that's why I struggle with communication. The shame of sexual abuse is so overwhelming sometimes that I feel like I'm drowning. I know that the shame and guilt aren't mine to bear but I still have a lot of internal conflict. So my question is, how do I resolve this? If I know all this then why can't I just move on? Part of me feels like I may never be over it but I want to finally be happy and healthy. How do I overcome the past so I can live my life?

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #Childhoodtrauma #SexualAssault #Healing #needhelp #checkin #BipolarDisorder #borderlinepersonaliydisorder #MightyTogether #selfharmsurvivor #suicideattemptsurvivor

9 reactions 1 comment

Struggling with #Anxiety and #BipolarDepression at the moment. Any suggestions on what to do? I already take medication and am in therapy. I am also under a lot of stress from life events which is only making the depression worse. Slept most of the day which is not like me. Any tips or words of support would be appreciated. Thank you.

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #needhelp #Support #checkin

*Not feeling suicidal just really down.*

12 reactions 5 comments