Anorexia Nervosa

As I'm recovering from my eating disorder (I'm in an ED program fights now) I'm coming to realize that so much of the disorder was propagated by the men who abused me. I've all forgiven them, of course, and I've safely left them. But I admit, sometimes their words hurt me still. For a long time, their words were part of the reason I was starving myself. It was like another brick in the wall stacked high by the harms of rampant diet culture, a society that hates and polices women's bodies, and abuse. As I'm recovering, I'm rediscovering a sense of empowerment. Each time I eat, it's a big middle finger to the abuse. It's a way of sauing, "You don't control me anymore." Because for so long, I starved myself in response to bullying and abuse. I'm beginning to be my advocate and realize what I will and will not tolerate anymore. I would never allow someone into my space who hurts me again.

#MentalHealth
#AnorexiaNervosa
#Anxiety
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#Depression
#EatingDisorders
#Grief
#MajorDepressiveDisorder
#PTSD
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#CheckInWithMe @

I'm so exhausted. Every day I fight, every day my body works tirelessly to heal and recover. But I'm carrying such a heavy burden. I feel like my whole body feels tight, afraid, and constantly on guard for danger. Ever since my car crash and subsequent medical trauma I have felt afraid. I feel afraid of my own body. I'm on alert of signs that something is wrong all the time. What if I die? What if my accidentally break my healing bones? What if another emergency happens? The what ifs go on and on.

I hold myself so tight. I want to go back home, where I feel safe, but I have to stay with my sister because home isn't an emotionally safe place right now. I'm recovering from an ED and my sister who lives at home had weight loss surgery and there's no way I won't be exposed to "numbers" conversations (like about weight numbers) if I'm there. So I left to live with my other sister for a time.

I want to be in my mom's arms right now. I want to be told that I'm safe. It's been a month ago today since the car accident happened, and I know God saved my life for a purpose, but all I can think of right now is that my body feels like it's in danger all the time. I just want to be comforted, to feel safe again. I'm tired of living in a state of fight-or-flight. I'm tired of the nightmares. I'm tired of masking. I'm TIRED. I can't weather the storm all by myself! I need God! I need Jesus!

I need rest.

#MentalHealth
#AnorexiaNervosa
#Anxiety
#AutismSpectrumDisorder
#Autism
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#ChronicIllness
#Depression
#EatingDisorders
#MajorDepressiveDisorder
#GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder
#Grief
#MajorDepressiveDisorder
#PTSD
#ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder
#Trauma
#CheckInWithMe
#MightyTogether