Anorexia Nervosa

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Going through the worst moment of my life

CW for abuse, trauma, grief, and suicidal ideation. And since this post has adult topics, 18+ please
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I'm going through what is unequivocally the most difficult period of my life. I've been through a lot, including abuse of all kinds, losses and deaths in the family, and many heartbreaks and disappointments. But this right here, right now, is the worst period of my life. I can say this with certainty. I'm actively suicidal, with a plan, timeframe, intent, etc. But before you tell me to ask a professional for help with that, please know I just was hospitalized for it this month, and it was one of the scariest things I went through. It was violent, inhumane, and traumatizing. I get nightmares about it and sometimes if I see something that reminds me or it, I feel terrified. I will never, ever tell a professional I'm suicidal again. Not while being on Medicaid, at least.

I had been struggling for a long time. One of my particular issues are a terrible response to childhood and adult trauma. For whatever reason, perhaps to gain a sense of safety, security, or control, or love, I seek out abusive men and abusive dynamics. I only do this when I have lost my footing and I'm desperate for all these things — me as I write this post. I've been doing this for years. I guess it feels safe to me. Control feels like protection, abuse feels like love. I feel the weight of the whole world on my shoulders, and I'm desperate to escape having to control everything. I felt safety with my ex who hurt me, and I don't. So, one struggle I can't stop struggling with is retraumatizing myself and exposing myself to more abuse. I've been doing this since I was thirteen. But really, I've been engaging in this behavior without knowing it since I was in first grade. I'll never forget asking my sisters how they would leave me and abandon me, because somehow being hurt made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Do you see how fucking broken I am? I try to fight against it, but this happens time and time again. It's part of the reason I want to take my life, and plan to act on that..

So, I meet a person, my now ex and still current FP, and he gives this abusive dynamic. But he also gives me love. Love, support, safety, and the most kindness I've ever received from an intimate partner. He intentionally made himself to be an FP of mine (he told me). At first, we were repeating this very abusive dynamic, but then he stopped and no longer wanted to hurt me. After trepidation and protests, I eventually accepted that. And I grew to even want the healing, non abusive love he gave me. I loved him with all my heart, and he loved me. He no longer even wanted to hurt me. He just wanted to love me. I felt so loved, and I was okay with that. For a while, I stopped seeking out abuse, from him, and from anyone else. I wanted to marry him. He told me I was his soulmate, that he would protect me, that I was his special goose. I sought out love and safety and a foundation in this person. I thought everything was okay...but then he tells me no longer wants to be with me...it was heart wrenching. It shattered me. It hurt me so much. It broke my heart because I thought he felt the same as I did...he used to love me, so why didnt he love me any more? Why was I suddenly not worthy anymore? What did I do wrong? He cited it to values. I start looking at all the ways I'm not enough, how my values aren't enough, where I went wrong. Was it because I wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, suddenly? Is it because I became Christian? Is it because I'm not acting like I used to, very promiscuous? Is it because you can't hurt me anymore?

But whatever...he continues to treat me like he's my partner still, even though we are friends. He tells me he loves me, he calls me his goose, we talk about the future things we will do together — how we will visit Oxford and his home town and all these things. I want more, but I'm able to pretend we are together because he's treating me like a partner anyways.

He leaves on a week long vacation with his "lesbian" ex, who he waxes lyrical "She's a lesbian" "It's okay if I stay in an Airbnb with her. She's a lesbian. We only dated for a week, eight years ago " and I tell him it hurts me, but I can't control him...

But then he suddenly and point blankly tells me that she suddenly isn't gay anymore and they fell in love with each other. By text. I woke up, and the day was normal. It was sunny, I had just gotten out of a crisis and was looking forward to a hopeful future. And then he slams that on me. So, I'm scrambling...what do I do? How do I navigate the fact that I wasn't prepared for this loss? How do I navigate the fact that he's still my FP? What about the fact he treated me like his partner until now? How do I handle what feels like a betrayal? How do I leave him to protect my dignity? How do I handle the rage inside me? Because truthfully, and I'm speaking candidly here, I've never had this much anger and wrath towards an individual in many, many years. How do I navigate the fact that there's two sides wrestling within me now? There's a part that wants to be kind, forgiving, and merciful. And I try to let that win. I am so careful with everything I say and do. Everything. I never want to cause him any harm. And then there's the part that is full of rage and wrath that shocks me. I find myself thinking things I never imagined I would ever think. I never show that side. I know the tongue is a weapon, and that's not really me. I don't want those things, but it's there. I wish I had someone to share these thoughts with..

But the worst is the grief...the betrayal. I sit with a constantly high degree of physical and emotional pain. I'm talking like over a 7 out of a ten. My chest hurts. I experience panic attacks. I have nightmares and crying spells. I binge eating and starve myself. I cope silently. I cry away from others and I try to lean on others for support, but no one wants to sit in the darkness with me. It's all platitudes.

But worst of all, he proved to me a deep seated fear...that only abusers love me. "Normal" people have basically always left me, been incompatible with me, disappeared, had it not work out, or dumped me. But oh no, abusers love me like hell. All I wanted was for someone to prove me wrong, and he didn't. He showed me point blank, with a powerful statement.

I tried to end the friendship but I couldn't go more than a week because I'm still trauma bonded or addicted or attached to him. It's extremely destructive to my self esteem and concept.

I kept trying to use my coping skills, but how do you cope when you're dealing with grief, betrayal, PTSD, OCD, BPD, depression, and suicidal thoughts? If you're me, you shut down. So I returned to my old pattern...I sought out the only people who seem to love me (abusers) and I'm going to starve myself. Maybe to death. I don't know. I'm dying inside.

For a while, I felt like I had hope. But now I feel I can't hang on long enough to see the dawn. I'm a broken person, who can't stop self harming and self destructive behaviors. My biggest supporter is gone. I am reeling in physical and emotional pain. I had a horrible bout of stomach pain twice last week, and I thought I had to go to the hospital. My tremors have gotten so bad. I can't cope. I have panic attacks and I disassociate. I'm terrified. I'm in therapy and with psychiatry but I just have no hope.

I want it to end, and I want to be in a peaceful place with no hurts and no betrayal and no suffering.

#MentalHealth
#Addiction
#Anxiety
#AnorexiaNervosa
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#Depression
#Loneliness
#Grief
#EatingDisorders
#ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder
#PTSD
#Selfharm
#Suicide
#MightyTogether
#CheckInWithMe
#Relationships

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ACCEPTANCE: 2nd of 9 Foundational Attitudes of Mindfulness As Part of Resilience

“On this sacred path of Radical Acceptance, rather than striving for perfection, we discover how to love ourselves into wholeness.”
- Tara Brach

“There is something Wonderfully Bold And Liberating
About Saying Yes To Our Entire Imperfect And Messy Life.”
- Tara Brach

The 9 Foundational Attitudes of Mindfulness also helps us to understand the significance of Full/Radical Acceptance.

First, from my own words and my own horrible things I just had to finally fully Accept: first you must grieve whatever kind of loss it is and then you must let it go (letting go/letting be - the doorway to freedom will be another post of mine here in this group) — but first, I had to grieve that surprise! I will be managing my Chronic major depressive disorder for the rest of my life, biggest surprise for my husband and I firstly was that I did not win the lottery with the type of depression that occurs once, we had no idea there was such a thing as Chronic, Recurring Major Depressive Disorder! And I had to grieve that this took my career away since my onset of this beast of an illness was at 34 years old. We had to grieve that we would struggle on 1 income because I could not work any job well enough anymore which we finally had to accept by the time I was in my early 40’s. I had to grieve that I was too sick and disabled and with our 1 income that I wouldn’t become a Mom (except to kitties). I had to grieve that this left me isolated from making new friends and I had to grieve the “friends” that deserted me when I was too sick and not myself. I had to grieve that I had never had healthy parenting from either of my parents and that I had to save myself and cut off the extremely toxic relationships with both of my parents with their narcissism and their emotional abuse to me. I had to grieve the devastating trauma that onset this horrendous illness that made me very suicidal back then and more times-even one time of that is too many times- I am sure many of us know what I mean. I also had to grieve more than once when my MDD took away my sense of self- I had to keep relearning who I am, what I like & dislike, remembering with surprise that I am actually funny and full of life and joy and positivity inherently. But, Thankfully I finally learned from my Mindfulness teachers and other experts that were better than my therapists ever were, that without learning (Radical )Acceptance and all of the integrated 9 attitudes of Mindfulness and so much more (I read psychology in my free time to learn to conquer my illness every single day) and this was my only way to attain the most beautiful inner peace, and to manifest my best life after all plus transforming into my best, most authentic self.

Acceptance- The attitude of actively recognizing that things are the way they are, even if they aren’t the way we want them to be.

Accepting Reality- mindfulness and awareness help you to *Come To Terms* with and accept things in life that are less than wonderful.

Acknowledging the present reality as it is (you don’t have to like it, it’s just how your body is feeling right now - it will not be completely just like this always/not for the rest of your life); Acceptance does not mean approval or compliance in every situation. As a mindfulness principle, acceptance means seeing the present moment as it truly is, taking it in, and living with that knowledge. You can accept a fact and decide to change it, if that seems like the appropriate choice to you. ***This principle is not about keeping things the same***, but ***it is about letting go of denial or ignorance and accepting or acknowledging what is happening in the moment.***

Accepting what is, even if that is challenging. When you know what you are dealing with, you can discover what can be mindfully changed and what has to remain as it is.

With MBCT (Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy) you can prepare yourself and find ways to cope with the bad in a way that allows you to move on and even to eventually see some of the bad as a surprisingly good thing.

There is also Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT; Hayes et al. 1999)

The Six Core Processes of ACT”).
To put it in less clinical terms and make it a bit easier to understand, Dr. Russell Harris (2011) has defined ACT as “a mindfulness-based behavioral therapy that challenges the ground rules of most Western psychology” with the goal of helping patients create a rich and meaningful life and develop mindfulness skills, even with the existence of pain and suffering.

Six core processes of ACT to develop psychological flexibility are:
Acceptance,
Cognitive Defusion,
Being Present,
Self as context,
Values,
Committed Action

Acceptance is an alternative to the instinct to avoid negative, or potentially negative, experiences. It is the active choice to be aware of and allow these types of experiences without trying to avoid or change them.

Cognitive Defusion refers to the defusion techniques that are intended to change how an individual reacts to or interacts with their thoughts and feelings rather than the nature of these thoughts and feelings. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is not intended to limit our exposure to negative experiences, but to face them and come out the other side with a decreased fixation on these experiences.

Being Present is another familiar concept for practitioners of mindfulness-based therapy. It can be understood as the practice of being aware of the present moment while declining to attach judgment to the experience. In other words, being present involves actively experiencing what is happening without trying to predict, change, or make value judgments about the experience.

Self as Context is a simple idea that an individual is not his or her experiences, thoughts, or emotions. Instead of being one’s experiences, the “self as context” process rests on the idea that there is a self outside of the current experience.
In other words, we are not what happens to us. We are the ones experiencing what happens to us.

Values in this context are defined as the qualities that we choose to work towards in any given moment.
We all hold values, consciously or unconsciously, that direct our steps.
In ACT, we apply processes and techniques that help us live our lives according to the values that we hold dear.

#MentalHealth #Mindfulness #MajorDepressiveDisorder #ChronicIllness #Disability #ChronicFatigue #ChronicPain #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #Anxiety #Depression #BipolarDepression #MoodDisorders #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #AnorexiaNervosa #EatingDisorders #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Addiction #ADHD #Grief #Loneliness #Fibromyalgia #Headache #Migraine #BipolarDisorder #RareDisease #Cancers #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Selfcare #Selfharm #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Trauma #CheckInWithMe #IfYouFeelHopeless #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Caregiving #SocialAnxiety #Agoraphobia #MightyTogether

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Placing the power in your hands to practice how to improve your wellbeing

Since this is a Practice, and in a practice, we must build upon our knowledge—here, I am going to expand upon my 1st post about the Beginner’s Mind, the first post of this new group - click to join and not miss the interconnected 9 attitudes of the wellbeing mindset of Mindfulness.

There is an emphasis on the importance of cultivating this mindset in all aspects of life.

Has anyone practiced this Beginner’s Mind or think that you will give it a try?
Any thoughts about this particular part of the whole?

Let’s break it down again:

Holding onto a particular belief limits the mind.
We accumulate a lot of conditioning along the way.
We tend to create a world where our opinions and beliefs are fixed.
As soon as we are attached to that one side, we shut off the other side-we don’t see it or hear it.

Only when we are willing to show up in each moment with a fresh, curious mind, willing to listen, knowing that possibly everything we believed and thought -that perhaps that’s not true. And, if we can maintain that freshness of mind, called a beginner’s mind—

then we can create a space where the mind can absorb, can respect the way other people think— take in new perspectives, and all of a sudden, we start to see not only a transformation in our mind, but a greater sense of calm, of clarity, and also a positive change in our relationships.

By letting go of preconceived ideas, expectations, and attachments, we can fully engage with each moment, experiencing life as it truly is, rather than through the filter of our thoughts and beliefs.

Key concepts:

Openness to possibilities:
The mind of the beginner is empty, free of the habits of the expert, ready to accept, to doubt, and open to all the possibilities.

No attachment to outcomes:
By approaching situations with a beginner's mind, one is less likely to be fixated on achieving a specific result, allowing for greater flexibility and adaptability.

And, the extremely critical skill of learning How to focus on the present moment:
This mindset encourages a deep awareness of the current experience, without getting caught up in past regrets or future anxieties; which we all know the negative consequences this has on our mental health.

We have to help ourselves to not be stuck dwelling on either the "what could have been" or the "what might happen", so that we can instead stay living in and fully enjoying the actual present moment. This is all a part of our role in managing our depression and anxiety and not letting these win and take from us and our potential and our lives that we can have.

It’s important to remember that all of this is not an achievement to be attained but rather a continuous process of self-discovery and self-transformation.

#MentalHealth #ChronicIllness #Mindfulness #MajorDepressiveDisorder #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #MoodDisorders #Depression #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Cancers #ChronicFatigue #AnorexiaNervosa #Selfcare #Addiction #Fibromyalgia #ChronicPain #Selfharm #Grief #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #Trauma #Agoraphobia #ADHD #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #PTSDSupportAndRecovery #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Headache #Migraine #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Disability #IfYouFeelHopeless #EatingDisorders #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #MightyTogether #Caregiving #CheckInWithMe #DistractMe

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I'm new here!

Hi, my name is Carly95. I'm here because I have ehlers danlos syndrome EDS , complex regional pain sydrome (CRPS) postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS) migraines, PTSD, and disassociative identity disorder and anorexia, I sometimes feel alone and lost.

#MightyTogether #Migraine #PTSD #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #AnorexiaNervosa #ComplexRegionalPainSyndrome #PanicDisorder

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1 of 9 Foundational Attitudes/Principles of Mindfulness

But, first a quote from Jon Kabat-Zinn who introduced these principles

“It is only when the mind is open and receptive that learning and seeing and change can occur.”
Kabat-Zinn, 2005, p. 31

Beginner’s Mind -The attitude of intentionally seeing things around you as if for the first time, by shedding our expectations and preconceptions and welcoming the possibility of a new moment, one that has never been seen before.

Curiosity, simplicity; Rather than coming to a situation with the weight of past ideas and experiences, the beginner’s mind asks you to arrive knowing that you do not know everything. As no moment is the same as another, every moment allows you a chance to learn. Being open and curious can help save you from being stuck in a rut.

#MentalHealth #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #Depression #ChronicIllness #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Mindfulness #BipolarDepression #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Trauma #ChronicFatigue #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #BipolarDisorder #Selfcare #Selfharm #Grief #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Suicide #CheckInWithMe #DistractMe #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Cancers #ADHD #Fibromyalgia #ChronicPain #Caregiving #MoodDisorders #Addiction #PostpartumDisorders #Agoraphobia #SocialAnxiety #Loneliness #Headache #Migraine #AnorexiaNervosa #RareDisease #EatingDisorders #IfYouFeelHopeless

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Dark thoughts related to BPD and PTSD (age 27)

Dear Mighty, pelase connect me w people who suffer from BPD and/or PTSD.
I'm hospitalised atm due to dark/suicidal thoughts. I also have a problem with finding meaning in life after 12y being sexually abused as a child. I lost my father when I was 16, over the night. For 16 years (from the age 10) I've been battling anorexia.
Cherry on the top! Believe it ir not I'm studying psychology and cognitive neuroscience, which I really love, it makes me happy, and it makes some senese in my life, but unfortunately it doesn't guarantee I'll be free of relapses/suicidal shots which occur 2-3x a month.

Since I've been in hospital around 35x in last 10y, everybody's giving up on me. Today i googled Netherlands for legit euthanasia.

How do you guys get on with lack of support, especially from family members and close frineds?

P. S. I am also lesbian, i came out of the closet to my fam this year and everything is so turbulent. Mom is classical rural Christian.

I really think that some things would be easier if I had more support, coz i feel pain inside.

Is there any buddies going through the same or similar?
#PTSD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #AnorexiaNervosa #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Grief #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #CheckInWithMe

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I'm new here!

Hi, my name is Yogi2024. I'm here because my 15 year old daughter is struggling with Anorexia, Bulimia and Binge Eating. She is 15 and is in denial. Denver Acute has saved her life but she refuses any inpatient therapy or Residential. She has been dictating her treatment and is being admitted to Acute care constantly. I need help.

#MightyTogether

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