Hi everyone! My name is Rayana, and I have been diagnosed with quiet BPD (have been receiving treatment for almost 10 years). I also struggle with an eating disorder that is currently in remission, and very severe anxiety. I think I can confidently say my life is very different now than it was 10 years ago thanks to the treatment and support I have received, in a lot of very positive ways - being in remission from anorexia, being clean from self harm, consistent with medication and therapy, and achieving all the dreams I had set out for myself.
But, under all this, a deep darkness still follows me everywhere. Beginning treatments during adolescence and having these same disorders follow me into adulthood has been challenging - there aren't really any guidebooks on how to handle these big developmedntal transitions while coping and maintaining a certain level of recovery (especially growing up in a time where everyone would say BPD life expectancy is 27 years old). I have worked extremely hard to grow into the person I am today, and I work hard every day to maintain this stage of recovery.
The pain and darkness that follow me are both the same I felt at 15, but also so different now that I am an adult. I am here in hopes of building community and connections with others that can help show me what an adult life with BPD can look like, outside of the never-ending-all-encompassing darkness that I feel. Is this emptiness forever, courtesy of BPD? Is this darkness a byproduct of the symptoms and my efforts to counterbalance them, and therefore something I need to make space for? Or have I just not yet reached that level of recovery?
Every day is a battle with BPD, working hard to regulate my emotions and mediate my behaviours during these intense feelings, but I just really need some more guidance. I need more insight into what a future as a happy adult looks like, with BPD - even if full remission isn't yet achieved.
Apologies for the crazy long message. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and/or respond.
#BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #EatingDisorder #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #AnorexiaNervosa
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