anxiety medication

I have to dump some of this off my mind. It's very rare for me to feel good or even ok these days. I'm morbidly obese, my teeth are missing and broken, and I have dental issues that make a lot of foods hard to eat. I hardly ever get to eat healthy, and I'm losing physical strength.

This motel room is poorly ventilated and is usually too hot (my boyfriend keeps it that way most of the time). My boyfriend is emotionally and mentally abusive, I have financial struggles, I keep saying negative things to myself, and I stink. My vision is getting worse.

I have a psychiatric nurse practitioner (pnp) and he doesn't get it at all. My Xanax was cut by half (2mg Xanax ER a day to 1mg regular Xanax a day) and even my boyfriend says my OCD is much worse (my panic disorder is, too) but my nurse practitioner said about a week and a half after she cut it that I should be over the withdrawals. My pnp told me it's normal to be "a little uncomfortable" after even a small reduction of Xanax. I know what people have gone through. I've researched this. I want off the Xanax, but not this fast!

People stare at my car, make comments, laugh, and look at my car in disgust, anger, and hatred. I've asked my boyfriend for help, but he won't help. Says he will, but never gets around to it. He gets irritable and angry with me, anyway.

I've lost my cats. I'm not going to say more about that, because I just start crying. I already have tears forming.

My boyfriend has said I'm a burden. I have nowhere else to go. I have no friends or family. I can't use resources like shelters because of my OCD. My physical and mental issues are intertwined.

I'm so tired and lonely. I don't want to die, and I'm not trying to make that happen. But I'm terrified I'm going to die, because I can't find a way out of this situation. I'm 54, and I want to live a long time, in excellent health and beautiful.

#Anxiety
#ocd
#obsessivecompulsivedisorder
#depression
#anxietyattacks
#panicattacks
#panicdisorder
#hoarder
#hoarding
#ptsd
#cptsd
#disability
#abuse
#emotionalabuse
#mentalabuse
#financialabuse
#money
#finances
#cats
#mentalhealth
#anupdate
#mightytogether
#meds
#AnxietyMedication
#benzodiazepines
#benzos
#xanax
#obesity
#incontinence
#bladderincontinence
#urinaryincontinence
#urinaryurgeincontinence
#urgeincontinence
#overactivebladder
#bedwetting
#thyroid
#thyroiddisease
#hypothyroidism
#gastroesophagealrefluxdisease
#medicare
#dental
#dentist
#dentalissues
#dentalproblems
#informedconsent #bigpharmaharm #antidepressants #antipsychotics

I have just started my new medication, Lexapro (also known as Ciprelax) and have been experiencing some not great side affects — insomnia, racing thoughts, tightness of chest, and what feels like heartburn. Really praying this will subside soon. Has anyone else taken #Lexapro or #ciprelax ?

I stopped taking meds 7 months ago... And now I think I am back to square one. I need to go back to the doctors and get some help. Again. 😅

Anyone here who restared their meds for mental health after stopping completely? Any thoughts? 👀

#Anxiety #AnxietyMedication #MentalHealth

This happened to me a few days ago, and certainly not for the first time in my life. I have OCD and can't touch stuff from other people, their homes, churches, etc. I've tried to explain this to people, but they don't seem to grasp how literal and serious I'm being.

This woman who works at a restaurant I go to sometimes handed me a bag with lotion, shampoo, and other things. I was wearing vinyl gloves, but I still wasn't comfortable taking it. Still, I did, but I tried to keep it from touching my clothes or me. I thanked her, because I know she meant well.

I don't know where she got the items, if she bought them or got them for free, but I don't want people to buy things for me, because I can't use them, and will just throw them away. I'm really uncomfortable to try to explain it again, and people often take it personally and get angry with me, or I hear them gossiping later.

I don't want them to waste their money, but I don't know how I can be clearer. Do you have to deal with this? How do you handle it?

#Anxiety
#ocd
#obsessivecompulsivedisorder
#depression
#anxietyattacks
#panicattacks
#panicdisorder
#hoarder
#hoarding
#ptsd
#cptsd
#disability
#abuse
#emotionalabuse
#mentalabuse
#financialabuse
#money
#finances
#cats
#mentalhealth
#anupdate
#mightytogether
#meds
#AnxietyMedication
#benzodiazepines
#benzos
#xanax
#obesity
#incontinence
#bladderincontinence
#urinaryincontinence
#urinaryurgeincontinence
#urgeincontinence
#overactivebladder
#bedwetting
#thyroid
#thyroiddisease
#hypothyroidism
#gastroesophagealrefluxdisease
#medicare
#dental
#dentist
#dentalissues
#dentalproblems
#informedconsent #bigpharmaharm #antidepressants #antipsychotics

That's what my boyfriend said to me this morning. I reminded him my car was giving me a warning about my engine power being low, and suggesting putting in more oil, because it's been saying it needs oil for a long time, which I told him several times, and he kept saying he'd put more oil in, but he never did.

I stopped saying anything until I got the engine has low power warning, and he said it it likely has nothing to do with the oil. He said if I'm not getting some kind of dire warning (he gave me examples, but I forget exactly), then it wasn't an emergency. He also doesn't remember me telling him about the oil. He forgets a lot of things I tell him. Years ago, he said he often "tunes [me] out." He said he told me to write it down a long time ago, and maybe he did, but I don't remember that. He keeps moving my notebooks get to write all kinds of things, so it's hard to write ANYTHING down.

I just spent too much money on paper at the bookstore, because I don't feel like going to Walmart. My legs and feet hurt, my jeans chafe, my shoe is hurting my toe, and I'm finally able to sit down after running around all day, except for dinner. On top of that, my vertigo is acting up. I left a message for my nurse practitioner.

I hate to tear pages out of these journals (they don't really have notebooks here), but he wants me to write stuff down (or it didn't happen)? I'm going to write stuff down.

#Anxiety
#ocd
#obsessivecompulsivedisorder
#depression
#panicdisorder
#hoarder
#hoarding
#ptsd
#cptsd
#disability
#abuse
#emotionalabuse
#mentalabuse
#financialabuse
#money
#finances
#cats
#mentalhealth
#anupdate
#mightytogether
#meds
#AnxietyMedication
#benzodiazepines
#benzos
#xanax
#obesity
#incontinence
#bladderincontinence
#urinaryincontinence
#urinaryurgeincontinence
#urgeincontinence
#overactivebladder
#bedwetting
#thyroid
#thyroiddisease
#hypothyroidism
#gastroesophagealrefluxdisease

I'm making a call tonight I was advised, and I'm terrified! I've called before (this and other numbers), but someone told me to call a number and tell them I'm in an abusive situation (true) and they would put me in a hotel. A lot could go wrong, but I'm doing it. I just wish I had somebody by my side while I'm doing it. I'm really scared. I know I'd be less anxious if my Xanax hadn't been cut so much so abruptly, and I'm having health issues. I saw my nurse practitioner yesterday, and she said I was good, but I still have to get the blood work done. I've been waiting for my boyfriend to take me, but he puts it off, tells me he's worried his car is going to break down because it's acting up (mine needs repairs, too, but only his matters), and I'm afraid to bring it up because he gets irritated with me and snaps at me.

I don't feel well, and I have felt worse since I started sleeping in my car (and basically living there). I'm hoping for a hotel room for now; that's what I was told would happen if I called. I just finished the antibiotics I'd been prescribed, and it cleared up my tooth abscesses, but I'm worried they'll come back, I have loose stools (I'm pretty sure because of the antibiotics) and I feel like I could mess myself but going to the bathroom here is going to take more energy than I have right now even though it'll make me feel better. I really hope I can get a hotel, because my legs feel bad and I need to prop them up, plus I've not had a good night's sleep since Thursday. I've been getting 3 or 4 non-consecutive hours each night, I'd say.

I'm scared to be alone with my disabilities, and I need some stuff, plus I don't want my boyfriend to know I'm leaving (if that's what's happening; I have to make sure I have a support system, can get what I need, etc., and the goal for tonight is a hotel room). Most of my stuff is with my boyfriend, plus he's got the only key to my storage unit. However, it's in my name, so if I call and tell them to ban him, that should be done. I need to get a new key.

I just wanted to post some of my fears before I make the call. I'm doing it as soon as I leave here and I'm somewhere I think I won't be kicked out for parking while I make the call. Maybe I'll ask here.

#Anxiety
#ocd
#obsessivecompulsivedisorder
#depression
#panicdisorder
#hoarder
#hoarding
#ptsd
#cptsd
#disability
#abuse
#emotionalabuse
#mentalabuse
#financialabuse
#money
#finances
#cats
#mentalhealth
#anupdate
#mightytogether
#meds
#AnxietyMedication
#benzodiazepines
#benzos
#xanax
#obesity
#incontinence
#bladderincontinence
#urinaryincontinence
#urinaryurgeincontinence
#urgeincontinence
#overactivebladder
#bedwetting
#thyroid
#thyroiddisease
#hypothyroidism
#gastroesophagealrefluxdisease
#medicare
#dental
#dentist
#dentalissues
#dentalproblems
#informedconsent

I went to the doctor yesterday. Overall, pretty good. She's happy I found a psychiatrist. I have my first appointment with him tomorrow (Wednesday).

On our way, my boyfriend asked me some questions about various things, one of them being what reason I was going to tell the nurse practitioner ("np" after this) for sleeping in my car? I told him I was going to tell her he keeps it too hot for me in the room. That was true. It just wasn't the only reason I was going to give. Anyway, he said he'd "allow" me to use that excuse. It's the same thing he told the motel manager! I didn't say anything, but I was laughing in my head. Allow me? I'll tell her whatever I want to! Furthermore, he's never asked my permission to tell people I have OCD, which I've told him never to do without asking me first. He's told so many people! It infuriates me! And he thinks I'm asking permission to tell my NP a reason I'm sleeping in my car? Pfft!

Besides being uncomfortable, sleeping in my car gives me restless legs, and I don't sleep well. It's gotten colder the past two days. I use up a lot of gas just to keep it warm in here. I just put some gas in the tank yesterday, too.

Almost never taking these pants off is leading to chafing.

#Anxiety
#ocd
#obsessivecompulsivedisorder
#depression
#panicdisorder
#hoarder
#hoarding
#ptsd
#cptsd
#disability
#abuse
#emotionalabuse
#mentalabuse
#financialabuse
#money
#finances
#cats
#mentalhealth
#anupdate
#mightytogether
#meds
#AnxietyMedication
#benzodiazepines
#benzos
#xanax
#obesity
#incontinence
#bladderincontinence
#urinaryincontinence
#urinaryurgeincontinence
#urgeincontinence
#overactivebladder
#bedwetting
#thyroid
#thyroiddisease
#hypothyroidism
#gastroesophagealrefluxdisease
#medicare
#dental
#dentist
#dentalissues
#dentalproblems
#informedconsent #bigpharmaharm #antidepressants

So, I'm sleeping in my car now.

Sorry. This turned out way longer than I intended. I hope you still read it all, because I really need to be heard and listened to.

Why am I sleeping in my car? Because my boyfriend put things on the area of the bed I slept, including things that shouldn't touch that area (remember, I have OCD, and it's gotten a lot worse not only because of how he treats me, others treat me, the pressure put on me, being pulled in too many directions at once, guilt, finances, the stares, shame, and many others stresses, but because the nurse practitioner I just started seeing [and I see tomorrow] cut in half the Alprazolam ER my now-retired psychiatrist had me on for years [1mg twice a day], and everything's just gotten worse), and that room is so dusty (he blames it all on me, because I have a lot of stuff I've bought for something to do, projects to start on, books to read, art items, etc., which he moved into "bad" places, and because I need the escape--don't get on me about finances, I already know, and I was doing real good up until recently, and my boyfriend sure as hell has a lot of blame, too! I don't need lectures!--but virtually nothing on the TV stand gathering mounds of dust is mine, the pile of clothing and whatever else is in the closet space [it's not really a closet--just a nook, I guess, without a door] probably contains nothing of mine; my bed pads are on the shelf in the nook, which I rely on him for since I can't reach, and nearby is my pile of laundry, which isn't much) and he keeps it SO HOT AND STUFFY! He says I'm freezing him out, but I always feel overheated, and by the time I've finished using the bathroom, I'm pouring sweat. It feels heavy in there.

He also has empty brown glass jugs under the sink, and those are his because I don't drink. The dustu desk table and chair in the room? I don't use it.

Anyway, I've been sleeping and hanging out in my car since the night (housekeeping day) I came back and found no room or conditions to sleep. I can't stay in that room anymore.

I've been looking at housing and other resources, but I get overwhelmed and confused, and people don't understand my OCD. Some think I don't want help. They're idiots.

Everyone acts like I can turn off my OCD or something. I don't even mean therapy necessarily. They think I can walk out and just be over my OCD. They say they'd rather get away from him. Easy to say when you're not in my head. When you're not obese. When you don't have enough to cover your medical and mental health needs. When you weren't raised the way I was and have my background. When you're not me. When ALL of these things are true at once.

But I'm trying.

I'm not getting enough sleep, because sleeping in the car is not comfortable. I can't put the seat back because of all the trash (mostly used gloves), which collects dust, in my car. I can't do a lot for that same reason.

I had things set up nicely so I could handle the trash and all, but the hotel that owned the dumpsters I was emptying my buckets at (because of convenience, and they weren't too high for me to reach) asked me not to come there anymore, and there's a house next to the motel here whose owner(s) told the owner of the motel, according to my boyfriend, that I was dumping trash on the ground and it blew into his/her yard. That wasn't true.!

I told my boyfriend to tell the motel owner they could look at camera footage for MONTHS around that time, and they'll see I NEVER once stopped by the trash bin! I never threw trash on the ground or in the bin! I doubt my boyfriend told the motel owner, because my boyfriend doesn't care if people see me as a bad person, as long as they think he's a good one! 🤬

Anyway, I'm exhausted, lonely, scared (many reasons), and worried about my cats. It's getting colder, and I can't afford gas to run my car all night and day.

I hate the bright lights here at the motel. I understand it's to protect people and property, but it's not pleasant if you want to be outside your room at night Maybe that's the idea. But my eyes are sensitive to bright light. Last night, one of the lights went out. It was nice.

The other thing I'll briefly touch on is, my boyfriend has to take me to the doctor tomorrow, and I think Wednesday is a new psychiatrist. His car is having problems, so he told me, as he told me last time, to remember that his car could break down anytime, and we could end up stranded. Well, it's either that, or I can't go. And being at half dose Alprazolam sucks!

What if she wants to. Cut the other half? I'll be off them way too soon, which can lead to seizures (including grand mal seizures) and death.

If you actually read all of this, thank you for taking the time.

I'm still trying.

#Anxiety
#ocd
#obsessivecompulsivedisorder
#depression
#panicdisorder
#hoarder
#hoarding
#ptsd
#cptsd
#disability
#abuse
#emotionalabuse
#mentalabuse
#financialabuse
#money
#finances
#cats
#mentalhealth
#anupdate
#mightytogether
#meds
#AnxietyMedication
#benzodiazepines
#benzos
#xanax
#obesity
#incontinence
#bladderincontinence
#urinaryincontinence
#urinaryurgeincontinence
#urgeincontinence
#overactivebladder
#bedwetting
#thyroid
#thyroiddisease
#hypothyroidism
#gastroesophagealrefluxdisease
#medicare
#dental
#dentist
#dentalissues
#dentalproblems
#informedconsent #bigpharmaharm #antidepressants

My boyfriend finally came back from spending time with his friends at a bar, watching the World Series. He's not into sports, but has gotten into watching a game now and then.

Meanwhile, I've been waiting all day and night for him to bring me breakfast/lunch/dinner. I have an infection with swollen lymph nodes, plus he keeps it pretty hot in here, so I sweat when I use the bathroom or exert myself too much. I'm also sleepy much of the time. Anyway, I'm on an antibiotic.

He came back with a large cup of macaroni and cheese. I keep telling him I need vegetables, but he doesn't listen. He also got some small snack cups of apple sauce, but it's not much, and one yogurt, in case I get hungry later. I don't want junk, but I like to have cookies or crackers or something, just to have something in case I feel weak. They're hard to eat with my teeth being like they are, but I can still manage. I asked him if he got any, and he said, "I got you SOMETHING. Be glad."

I feel like nobody wants me. I'm not exaggerating, and I'm being literal, when I say I need friends in real life. I need some human connections. I want my cats, but nobody cares.

#Anxiety
#ocd
#obsessivecompulsivedisorder
#depression
#panicdisorder
#hoarder
#hoarding
#ptsd
#cptsd
#disability
#abuse
#emotionalabuse
#mentalabuse
#financialabuse
#money
#finances
#cats
#mentalhealth
#anupdate
#mightytogether
#meds
#AnxietyMedication
#benzodiazepines
#benzos
#xanax
#obesity
#incontinence
#bladderincontinence
#urinaryincontinence
#urinaryurgeincontinence
#urgeincontinence
#overactivebladder
#bedwetting
#thyroid
#thyroiddisease
#hypothyroidism
#gastroesophagealrefluxdisease
#medicare
#dental
#dentist
#dentalissues
#dentalproblems
#informedconsent #bigpharmaharm #antidepressants