So, I'm sleeping in my car now.
Sorry. This turned out way longer than I intended. I hope you still read it all, because I really need to be heard and listened to.
Why am I sleeping in my car? Because my boyfriend put things on the area of the bed I slept, including things that shouldn't touch that area (remember, I have OCD, and it's gotten a lot worse not only because of how he treats me, others treat me, the pressure put on me, being pulled in too many directions at once, guilt, finances, the stares, shame, and many others stresses, but because the nurse practitioner I just started seeing [and I see tomorrow] cut in half the Alprazolam ER my now-retired psychiatrist had me on for years [1mg twice a day], and everything's just gotten worse), and that room is so dusty (he blames it all on me, because I have a lot of stuff I've bought for something to do, projects to start on, books to read, art items, etc., which he moved into "bad" places, and because I need the escape--don't get on me about finances, I already know, and I was doing real good up until recently, and my boyfriend sure as hell has a lot of blame, too! I don't need lectures!--but virtually nothing on the TV stand gathering mounds of dust is mine, the pile of clothing and whatever else is in the closet space [it's not really a closet--just a nook, I guess, without a door] probably contains nothing of mine; my bed pads are on the shelf in the nook, which I rely on him for since I can't reach, and nearby is my pile of laundry, which isn't much) and he keeps it SO HOT AND STUFFY! He says I'm freezing him out, but I always feel overheated, and by the time I've finished using the bathroom, I'm pouring sweat. It feels heavy in there.
He also has empty brown glass jugs under the sink, and those are his because I don't drink. The dustu desk table and chair in the room? I don't use it.
Anyway, I've been sleeping and hanging out in my car since the night (housekeeping day) I came back and found no room or conditions to sleep. I can't stay in that room anymore.
I've been looking at housing and other resources, but I get overwhelmed and confused, and people don't understand my OCD. Some think I don't want help. They're idiots.
Everyone acts like I can turn off my OCD or something. I don't even mean therapy necessarily. They think I can walk out and just be over my OCD. They say they'd rather get away from him. Easy to say when you're not in my head. When you're not obese. When you don't have enough to cover your medical and mental health needs. When you weren't raised the way I was and have my background. When you're not me. When ALL of these things are true at once.
But I'm trying.
I'm not getting enough sleep, because sleeping in the car is not comfortable. I can't put the seat back because of all the trash (mostly used gloves), which collects dust, in my car. I can't do a lot for that same reason.
I had things set up nicely so I could handle the trash and all, but the hotel that owned the dumpsters I was emptying my buckets at (because of convenience, and they weren't too high for me to reach) asked me not to come there anymore, and there's a house next to the motel here whose owner(s) told the owner of the motel, according to my boyfriend, that I was dumping trash on the ground and it blew into his/her yard. That wasn't true.!
I told my boyfriend to tell the motel owner they could look at camera footage for MONTHS around that time, and they'll see I NEVER once stopped by the trash bin! I never threw trash on the ground or in the bin! I doubt my boyfriend told the motel owner, because my boyfriend doesn't care if people see me as a bad person, as long as they think he's a good one! 🤬
Anyway, I'm exhausted, lonely, scared (many reasons), and worried about my cats. It's getting colder, and I can't afford gas to run my car all night and day.
I hate the bright lights here at the motel. I understand it's to protect people and property, but it's not pleasant if you want to be outside your room at night Maybe that's the idea. But my eyes are sensitive to bright light. Last night, one of the lights went out. It was nice.
The other thing I'll briefly touch on is, my boyfriend has to take me to the doctor tomorrow, and I think Wednesday is a new psychiatrist. His car is having problems, so he told me, as he told me last time, to remember that his car could break down anytime, and we could end up stranded. Well, it's either that, or I can't go. And being at half dose Alprazolam sucks!
What if she wants to. Cut the other half? I'll be off them way too soon, which can lead to seizures (including grand mal seizures) and death.
If you actually read all of this, thank you for taking the time.
I'm still trying.
#informedconsent #bigpharmaharm #antidepressants