Spinal Stenosis

Tired of this life. There are moments that are beautiful, however. One thing no matter how small can send me spiraling downward. It’s so difficult to get back up from that descent.

I’m tired of trying to have hope. I’m really - just tired. Love to all of you on this beautiful day. 🙏

#PTSD #ADHD #Depression #Anxiety #Osteoporosis #SpinalStenosis #SuicidalIdeation

Today, I feel like giving up more than I have lately. I’m tired of this world. I don’t have any hope for the future on so many levels. It’s all a farce; at least, to me, it is.

I used to have dreams as a very young child that things would end up this way - I would finally find peace, find love, feel accepted and in love with being alive and boom - the whole world turns into one apocalyptic nightmare. I’m separated from my family and I can’t get to them. I can see them but everyone around me is running and hiding just to dodge being physically harmed by powers greater than us, inflicted upon us by evil forces.

It feels like that now. Like I’m stuck in that dream, fighting but powerless. Stuck. Only, I am awake with only the strength to just give up. What an insane paradox. A cruel joke. Isn’t there any light anywhere anymore? So glad and grateful I can post here. No one else understands. 🙏❤️

#CPTSD #SuicidalIdeation #Depression #Anxiety #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SpinalStenosis #PTSD

Hi, my name is Cheryl and I'm here, because I would like to learn about my disorders, illnesses. 🤓Also I'm interested to see/hear/read how others live with them and maybe pick-up advice, recommandations, tips and tricks. 🙂

#MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #Fibromyalgia #PTSD #EatingDisorder #OCD #Grief #AnkylosingSpondylitis #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #Arthritis #SpinalStenosis #Scoliosis #PanicAttack #PanicDisorder

Feeling defeated again. As usual my health has the final say always winning. I have to take another semester off from school. My dad has to help me get dressed, in the bathroom, and every time I get up. I’m also using a walker and 38yrs old. My back is way worse. I’m very still with limited range of motion due to severe sharp shooting stabbing pain. Doc called in a steroid for me. If not helping I’m suppose to go to the ER.

I couldn’t take this class in the summer and can’t take it this fall. I have this class and 1 more to finish my program in child development online. Then I will finally have my bachelors degree. In 2010 I had to drop out for having emergency back surgery due to Cauda Equina Syndrome. Then 10 months later in 2011 I had a 2nd back surgery due to severe congenital #SpinalStenosis . 2013 went back to school at the local community college for early childhood education. Graduated with associates degree 2016 going part time and another medical leave. 2022 decided to finish my bachelors degree online. Now that I’m this close with only 2 classes left I have to take more medical leaves. If I can’t do these practicums I will need to switch majors again. I was looking so forward to graduating May 2026.

Now I’m not sure when I’ll be done with my bachelors degree. It’s been a long road. Even if I can complete these 2 practicums I’m not sure what I’ll be able to do in this field. Not only is my spinal stenosis worse, I have #DegenerativeDiscDisease #Arthritis and now #Scoliosis all in my lumbar region. My cervical spine is bad also but not as bad.

I was diagnosed with BPD at 14. My symptoms were extremely severe for a long time, but I’ve been in remission for years. I am 37. I also have CPTSD, OCD, generalized anxiety disorder and panic attacks, Major depressive disorder, Dysthymic disorder, ADHD, Fibromyalgia, Degenerative disc disease, Arthritis, Spinal stenosis, And other chronic illnesses that involve immense pain and other challenges. I’ve done a lot of work to reach a place of stability and I’ve been doing pretty OK. I got sick last year and I haven’t gotten better. It might be long Covid. I used to live an extremely active life, and now I can’t the body that I was in and the person that I was is no more I am grieving the life. I thought I would have and I am grieving who I used to be. I feel lost and alone, but I have been managing. My husband‘s brother is in the Coast Guard stationed in Alaska. We live in south east United States Tuesday. My husband left to go to Alaska for eight days to visit his brother. He won’t be back till next Tuesday. It’s only been a couple of days And I am really struggling. My thoughts are dark and my BPD is making an appearance. A lot of what I am feeling is valid and there’s a lot of unresolved pain that he has caused through our relationship. I thought I had dealt with that is surfacing. I don’t feel like I can trust him anymore. I also caught him in a small lie. Which reaffirms that I cannot trust him. I thought we had a good relationship, but I think I was fooling myself. He is not a bad husband and he’s not a bad Person. But he’s also, not Ben the husband that I need. I realize I have been really really lonely pretty much our whole relationship there’s certain things I ask him to do and he says he will do and then he doesn’t do them. Or things that I tell him are important to me and he says he hears me and then there’s no follow-through.. He knows my story. He knows what I’ve been through and he knows what I struggle with. I told him he should go on this trip because I wanted to be a good supportive wife, but now I regret saying that he didn’t take the time to have conversations and check in with me to see how I was processing the coming up trip and to see what he could do to make sure I would be OK and have a safety plan in place. I really just want him to come home. I need him to come home but he won’t. If the situation was reversed, I would try and get an earlier flight back. And he’s choosing not to. On one side I get it because this trip is important to himand spending time with his brother is important to him but also what about me? What about our family, he keeps saying how he wishes we were there with him, and he keeps experiencing stuff and seeing stuff that he wishes he could share. and that this is hard for him too. But in all the videos and pictures he sent he looks like he’s having a great time and I’m here broken into 1 million pieces with no one to help hold me together. I feel alone betrayed abandoned and left out. Things that I have felt throughout our marriage as a byproduct of his choices he asked me to give him Grace, but I have nothing left to give. I don’t know where this leaves us I think he expects to come home and everything’s just gonna be fine and that’s not the case. I don’t know what to do. I feel so defeated and letdown by the one person that’s supposed to have my back and the one person that supposed to be there for me for better or worse. And he’s not.

I can’t believe I am going through with it but I am. I am breaking all my bonds in this world and feel terrible for what I’m about to do but there’s no other possible solution. Not sure when or how but it’s on, and soon, man.

My fiancé and I have had a major blow up today and I am triggered, triggered, triggered. I don’t feel like he is being honest and actually it’s ok. The arguing is over and I can be free, finally.

I’m going to miss the real and only true love of my life and that is my dog, Sam. I have to believe he will be ok. I am praying our souls will remember each other in our next life together because I am determined to seek him out. I feel like we’ve been traveling together for eternity. Surely, we will continue to do so.

I am so happy to have had the opportunity to share my experiences here. More love and acceptance with the Mighty peeps than anywhere else! Much love to you all and please continue to support each other with love and compassion. That’s the only way. Until we meet again ❤️🙏😘 #SuicidalThoughts #PTSD #Depression #Anxiety #Osteoporosis #SpinalStenosis #chronic pain

I’m tired of trying. Ready to throw in the towel. Getting my will notarized and saying goodbye to this cruel world soon. The suicidal thoughts will never cease. I’ve had them since I was as young as I can remember. And here I am at 55 wanting to just go away, be gone. As trite as it sounds, everyone will be much happier without me.

#PTSD #ADHD #SpinalStenosis #Osteoporosis #Depression #Anxiety #SuicidalIdeation