Bipolar 2 Disorder

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#DepersonalizationDisorder #DerealizationDisorder #SubstanceUseDisorders #Bipolar1 #Bipolar2 #Insomnia

I learned two things about myself today. Apparently, I have been experiencing Depersonalization / Derealization for a very long time but I didn’t know what it was. I knew I dissociated, but I suddenly started having some strange experiences lately that I have concluded are depersonalization. This has led to discovering that I have experienced many symptoms of both Depersonalization / Derealization for decades. The second thing I learned today, is that, my issues with sleep may not be solely bipolar disorder, but a trauma response. My brain speeds up after a certain point at night, and I think it is hyper vigilant to protect me from the unpredictable behavior of my parents. They threw wild parties and I heard lots of loud yelling, laughing, fighting, music and violence. I never knew what was going to happen. I would lock myself in my bedroom by pushing my dresser up to the door and put a butter knife in the door frame as a makeshift lock. I was afraid of their friends. I needed stuff, but was too afraid to leave my room to get it, lest I draw too much attention to myself. So, I went without, or listened and waited trying to discern a time that I might fly under the radar. The noise was so loud, I couldn’t sleep even if I wanted to. Often, I just ended up putting a pillow over my head, tuning them out, so I could fall asleep and eventually did from exhaustion. My parents both suffered from substance use disorder. I do too, or did anyway. I quit using 6 years ago and quit smoking 2 years ago. Trauma often causes us to ignore its’ symptoms, because we are used to them, don’t think they are symptoms, or that those symptoms aren’t important enough to talk about, or seek treatment for.

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#DepersonalizationDisorder #DerealizationDisorder #SubstanceUseDisorders #Bipolar1 #Bipolar2 #Insomnia

I learned two things about myself today. Apparently, I have been experiencing Depersonalization / Derealization for a very long time but I didn’t know what it was. I knew I dissociated, but I suddenly started having some strange experiences lately that I have concluded are depersonalization. This has led to discovering that I have experienced many symptoms of both Depersonalization / Derealization for decades. The second thing I learned today, is that, my issues with sleep may not be solely bipolar disorder, but a trauma response. My brain speeds up after a certain point at night, and I think it is hyper vigilant to protect me from the unpredictable behavior of my parents. They threw wild parties and I heard lots of loud yelling, laughing, fighting, music and violence. I never knew what was going to happen. I would lock myself in my bedroom by pushing my dresser up to the door and put a butter knife in the door frame as a makeshift lock. I was afraid of their friends. I needed stuff, but was too afraid to leave my room to get it, lest I draw too much attention to myself. So, I went without, or listened and waited trying to discern a time that I might fly under the radar. The noise was so loud, I couldn’t sleep even if I wanted to. Often, I just ended up putting a pillow over my head, tuning them out, so I could fall asleep and eventually did from exhaustion. My parents both suffered from substance use disorder. I do too, or did anyway. I quit using 6 years ago and quit smoking 2 years ago. Trauma often causes us to ignore its’ symptoms, because we are used to them, don’t think they are symptoms, or that those symptoms aren’t important enough to talk about, or seek treatment for.

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I spent many years of my life never feeling safe or like I belonged anywhere. Now, after years of struggle, hard work, mistakes, learned lessons, and support, I have created not only a safe space to exist in, but also a home where I belong. Home is truly where the heart is. #MentalHealth #PanicDisorder #PTSD #Bipolar2

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I spent many years of my life never feeling safe or like I belonged anywhere. Now, after years of struggle, hard work, mistakes, learned lessons, and support, I have created not only a safe space to exist in, but also a home where I belong. Home is truly where the heart is. #MentalHealth #PanicDisorder #PTSD #Bipolar2

10 reactions 3 comments
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Workplace discrimination (special treatment)

I made a decision to disclose my mental illness to HR so I could get a work station move. My work station was completely in the middle of the floor, no walls, approachable from all sides, including from behind where I could not see someone coming at me. I have PTSD, Bipolar II, anxiety, Treatment Resistant Depression and I am sure my doctor has more in my chart.

HR moved me to a small office so I would not feel so vulnerable and unsafe with people being able to approach me from all sides. Of course that caused drama (even though there are others on different floors with my same pay grade with offices). Recently, my boss who is typically at his office in another state 3 weeks out of every month is having me come to that office to help onboard a new employee that will be working in that office that I will be supporting. It is standard procedure (at least that is what I was told when I started) you notify your team when you will not be in the office and if the dates are not flexible just say so like (will be out Dr appointment) that way they won't expect you to email or respond to texts at all.

My boss calls me and tells me not to let anyone know where I am or what I am doing from now on, he let it slip he didn't want anyone to think I was getting "special treatment". I do not take time off work to go to my doctor appointments. I scheduled them at 1pm so I can go during my lunch and not tell anyone where I am. I just tell my boss or anyone who needs to know I am taking a longer lunch that day. I actually turned in vacation time last year because I didn't use it.

This isn't the first time my boss has called me over dumb stuff. He told me I needed to stay out of the gossip pool. The gossip pool? I don't even eat lunch with these people because I hear them talk about me and how I have an office and they don't. I hear them talk about how I get a lot of recognition from other high people in the company and they don't. That is because I work hard for it. I joined several networking groups, I volunteer for things, the people higher in the company see that. They get to know me at events. Unfortunately, it seems my boss ignores me, I schedule times to meet with him, have lunch with him when he is on town and it always gets dropped for some reason or another. I send him emails and he rarely responds or if he does it is not in a timely manner if I need it answered. I have to track people down to tell him to respond. I feel like he only calls me to tell me about some kind of drama. He gave me a good performance evaluation. He never gives me any bad feedback on my work, it pretty much feels like there is a witch hunt going on here. So frustrated, anyone else have this problem?

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Sometimes we really want to get better and the world seems to say no.

I was initially diagnosed with Bipolar 2, this is not a set in stone diagnosis, according to my former psychiatrist.

I went on 4 years taking meds. It did help, but my treatment begun right at the start of the pandemic. So, I didn't do the follow ups. I still took the initial dosage for years, regularly. At that time I also found a nice therapist, but had to put it on hold and by the time pandemic was over, she was retired. It was a pity because I really liked her.

The meds help me a lot, but I think I needed to work into the dosage. By the end I was having suicidal thoughts.

I divide suicidal thought between emotional and rational. When it is driven by emotion it will be that desperate cry of pain inside you and outside you. When rational it is more "well, this is my ultimate destiny, it is just a matter of time, this life is just not for me in practical terms." together with researching methods and even making a plan.

By the end of the year I had an opportunity to move to a bigger city, to live right near one of the worlds most famous urban beaches and most beautiful too. By that prospective, I thought meds were already not working that well, so I might start new. I know, it is classical stuff we always want to see how is life outside medication at some point.

So, I did stop it, it has been more than two months. There was energy in me to have a new approach, but of course change is never easy. It starts with the surrounding people who always seem to make it difficult to change, to apply change. The move also brought on practical stuff, like, I wanted to cook my own healthy meals, but till today I cant use the stove because I need to make changes in the kitchen and it costs money.

I am exercising, taking cold showers to bust energy, I'm trying to have a routine, I desperately need a routine, I'm trying to stay away of bad habits. The only way I now how to do it is by imposing myself a military way of living. I have to wake by 6am, have I slept well or not, no options, if I have options I will be all day in bed. In so it goes own to another aspects of my life.

This takes a toll in me, but the other option is like a said: I will do nothing, I've been doing nothing for years and this is also the path of self destruction. My life is anhedonia. Everything ends up meaning nothing to me.

Now, I want to go back to meds, not to using them as an escape, but to help me not feeling like life means nothing from the moment I'm awake to the moment I go to sleep. Thing is, it is hard to make an appointment, I have insurance but this makes me like a second class patient, they always make private (meaning u pay for the session upfront) a priority. I don't have money right now. I don't even know I would have money for the meds right at this moment.

I learned life is hard work, there is no escape, this is proven to me over and over, but it seems so ironic that even when you really want to do the work there are always those little things to make it harder. I mean, I am so lacking of energy and now I have to fight to get a consultation, they don't have a date, they told me I should call back next week. Sure I'm trying other people, but all so slow to reply.

I am not at the stage I will really kill myself, I don't want to do that to my loved ones, but I wake up and the fantasy hits me that would be so good if I was gone, this is just a losing battle.

One part of me wants to be that success story, the one who could fight the adversities and rebuilt a new, nice life. But as it happens to many desires and dream, they start to die when you realize they are only wishful thinking.

#Bipolar2 #Depression #MentalHealth #MedicalProfessionals #SuicidalThoughts

10 reactions 7 comments
Post

Sometimes we really want to get better and the world seems to say no.

I was initially diagnosed with Bipolar 2, this is not a set in stone diagnosis, according to my former psychiatrist.

I went on 4 years taking meds. It did help, but my treatment begun right at the start of the pandemic. So, I didn't do the follow ups. I still took the initial dosage for years, regularly. At that time I also found a nice therapist, but had to put it on hold and by the time pandemic was over, she was retired. It was a pity because I really liked her.

The meds help me a lot, but I think I needed to work into the dosage. By the end I was having suicidal thoughts.

I divide suicidal thought between emotional and rational. When it is driven by emotion it will be that desperate cry of pain inside you and outside you. When rational it is more "well, this is my ultimate destiny, it is just a matter of time, this life is just not for me in practical terms." together with researching methods and even making a plan.

By the end of the year I had an opportunity to move to a bigger city, to live right near one of the worlds most famous urban beaches and most beautiful too. By that prospective, I thought meds were already not working that well, so I might start new. I know, it is classical stuff we always want to see how is life outside medication at some point.

So, I did stop it, it has been more than two months. There was energy in me to have a new approach, but of course change is never easy. It starts with the surrounding people who always seem to make it difficult to change, to apply change. The move also brought on practical stuff, like, I wanted to cook my own healthy meals, but till today I cant use the stove because I need to make changes in the kitchen and it costs money.

I am exercising, taking cold showers to bust energy, I'm trying to have a routine, I desperately need a routine, I'm trying to stay away of bad habits. The only way I now how to do it is by imposing myself a military way of living. I have to wake by 6am, have I slept well or not, no options, if I have options I will be all day in bed. In so it goes own to another aspects of my life.

This takes a toll in me, but the other option is like a said: I will do nothing, I've been doing nothing for years and this is also the path of self destruction. My life is anhedonia. Everything ends up meaning nothing to me.

Now, I want to go back to meds, not to using them as an escape, but to help me not feeling like life means nothing from the moment I'm awake to the moment I go to sleep. Thing is, it is hard to make an appointment, I have insurance but this makes me like a second class patient, they always make private (meaning u pay for the session upfront) a priority. I don't have money right now. I don't even know I would have money for the meds right at this moment.

I learned life is hard work, there is no escape, this is proven to me over and over, but it seems so ironic that even when you really want to do the work there are always those little things to make it harder. I mean, I am so lacking of energy and now I have to fight to get a consultation, they don't have a date, they told me I should call back next week. Sure I'm trying other people, but all so slow to reply.

I am not at the stage I will really kill myself, I don't want to do that to my loved ones, but I wake up and the fantasy hits me that would be so good if I was gone, this is just a losing battle.

One part of me wants to be that success story, the one who could fight the adversities and rebuilt a new, nice life. But as it happens to many desires and dream, they start to die when you realize they are only wishful thinking.

#Bipolar2 #Depression #MentalHealth #MedicalProfessionals #SuicidalThoughts

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What’s your cup of tea? #Selfcare #MentalHealth #Bipolar2 #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #PTSD #AutismSpectrumDisorder

Do you enjoy tea? For me, drinking tea is one of my favorite self care moments. I am currently fixated on dandelion tea and “vanilla spice perfect energy”. I burned myself out on jasmine tea and peaceful tea, but will probably go back. So, what’s your cup of tea?

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What’s your cup of tea? #Selfcare #MentalHealth #Bipolar2 #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #PTSD #AutismSpectrumDisorder

Do you enjoy tea? For me, drinking tea is one of my favorite self care moments. I am currently fixated on dandelion tea and “vanilla spice perfect energy”. I burned myself out on jasmine tea and peaceful tea, but will probably go back. So, what’s your cup of tea?

87 reactions 46 comments
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My fear is: nothing will ever make it better

I dragged myself out of bed. Trying to really have better habits, trying to do ALL I can to get better. I meditated, went on for a long walk, I have a goal of at least 6 thousand steps per walks, did that, had bad thoughts all the way.

Back home I took a cold shower, and I am now here, eating something and saying if getting things out of my chest helps.

I long for community, but honestly I hate that my community is mental health issues, not to offend anyone, I wish my community would be something cool and up. But I am so lonely and I just don't belong there.

I have a fear. While I am doing much more than before, while I am having better habits, I am afraid nothing will ever bring me satisfaction.

I kinda gave up on "being happy", I don't think it exists. I learnt recently that life is hard, life is work. I believe we can be satisfied, but I know it won't come with money, sex, fanatism, owning belongings, owning nothing lol. It is the hardest mix, cause it is really within us, and it terrorizes me to feel I just don't have it in me and I will be sad even in "my best version".

Then, yes, suicide comes to mind. I don't want to do it, I think it is horrible to think myself as the path of my destruction, but it really is, even if I don't off myself, I think I will self destruct in the long run. It seems the natural progression.

Once the idea of reincarnation made me feel comfortable, now I really hope there is nothing after here, cause I just can't take it another round! #Depression #Bipolar2 #Anxiety #SuicidalThoughts

21 reactions 13 comments