Frustrated, Depressed and Hopeful at the same time!
THIS MIGHT GET LONG
I haven't been on in a week or little more. I love all the encouragement here, and at the same time can't handle hearing others issues. Makes me feel like an azz cause he I am venting. My head is kinda messed up again and my flashbacks are back. I went to my daughter's yesterday to watch my youngest two grandsons. Actually my daughter offered to pick me up so I didn't have to walk the half mile in the heat. When I asked about my oldest grandson she informed me that he was several hours away but coming back that day as he had a severe breakdown and had to get inpatient treatment. Bipolar and Sciz (never could spell that word); my ex-husband has the first and my middle child has both. I have major anxiety and depression. She asked me not to tell anyone as it wasn't announced to outside their household. When I first heard it was like getting punched in the gut. Had to fight my head in convincing myself I was a good parent. My sons first time in inpatient he was eight. What I didn't understand until around 5 years later was that he heard voices (at very young age) that told him to hurt or ki** people. I had to learn to read his body language, moods, tone of voice and think three steps in front of him to prevent any violent outbursts. He went through trial and error will a multitude of medications before the proper cocktail was found. But he had numerous meds that he had adverse reactions to. Ranging from hand tremors, eye twitching, weight gain and seizures to name a few. He's in his middle twenties now, able to not be on any medication and is doing well. Yet he hates me for all the placements "I" put him in. Of around ten, I asked his doctor only once to please place him as I needed a break. The other times either his doctor or the school was persistent that he needed more help than what I could give. I explained to him that "his behavior is what sent him each time I had to take him. All I did was sign the paperwork. Back then I was afraid if I hadn't taken him for the help I know he needed that the school or doctors could have him taken from my care.
So now my grandson is facing the same hard road. My daughter also has more milder Bipolar yet is in denial. From what my daughter told me was that her and her wife had gotten into a huge disagreement/fight and my oldest grandson lost it. My daughter-in-law is staying at her parents and they are leaving for a 3 night 4 day family vacation as planned. When they returned will be going into counseling for the family. My son's actually live together and last week I received several phone calls from the youngest fiance saying they were fighting will the first one saying they were close to becoming physical. I had already been on my way there but after that phone call disregarded the actual speed limit and made my own. Surprised her when I got there sooner than expected. The third call came in the midst of my severe head cold and was miserable. My oldest called and after I talked with them both over the phone I told them I am not coming as I could not safely drive, that they are both adults they need to figure it out themselves and the needed to grow the **** up.
Today I drove a friend to run some errands and he triggered me but I could control my reactions. He tells me every time I take him somewhere that he has PTSD when riding in a car. So he's saying; your speeding, slow down (only once was I going more than 5 over the limit). Grabbing the handle at different times, etc. I explained that I understand PTSD and I'm actually a very good driver. When I asked where his ptsd came from, he said he didn't really know as he hadn't been in an accident unless it was when he was little and don't remember. But my ex (abuser) would constantly criticize my driving. Yelling even, and threatening. Once he made me pull over as he said I turned the corner at the light wrong and he was driving. Well, let's just say that was the second time he made me walk home.
On a lighter note, I should be getting my apartment soon. I'm praying it's this week. I will be calling the lady in the morning and asking when I'm supposed to come sign my paperwork so I can move in. I'm so tired of couch hopping. Carrying my things that I'll need for several days everywhere I go. Been doing that since end of January. As grateful as I am that I've been able to do that and not be out on the street, it's old. I'm old! Or at least my body is.
I was talking to my uncle the other day and I told him that I had written down everything I've been diagnosed with because I always forget and just tell the doctor that I've listed the major issues. But with listing my hearing loss and requiring glasses to plantar facility's to carpal tunnel syndrome to hEDS to C-PTSD I have been diagnosed with 47 different things. When I go for my yearly physical next month my doctor isn't going to be happy because I haven't gotten my mammogram or my colonoscopy done. But as I told my uncle, my head can NOT handle knowing anything else is wrong with me. I don't let any of them define who I am. Yet in some ways they do. My triggers for my flashbacks define me, as does my anxiety and pain. Everyday those 3 I deal with 24/7. I'm like trust me I know I have medical issues, major non life threatening one. Even if I did take those tests and they found something wrong, I don't know that I would take measures in trying to make things better.
Every year for the past 45 years I had been diagnosed with something new because my body is slowly deteriorating. This past year, I've gotten 4 new diagnosises. When I asked my uncle if he had seen where I gave his birthday wishes he said yes and thanked me. Then we were talking about age and medical problems. I told him that I don't want to live to be his age (73) I'm 52 because of how my body already is. Yet I want to live and see my grandsons grow into men. It's days where I allow myself to think deeply about myself that ... it's just very depressing. I always bring myself back up to being positive.
I do apologize this is pretty long. But I thank you for allowing me to express myself and vent. I appreciate you all for reading it through. May God Bless each and everyone of you! #PTSD #c -PTSD #ChronicPain #ChronicIllnessEDS #MentalHealth #DomesticAbuseSurvivors #EmotionalAbuse