childhood anxiety

I have been bullied since 3rd grade for being different. It has had an massive effect on me and because of it many memories before high-school are blocked due to trauma. People would talk behind my back(I know due to some great people who thought it was wrong of the bullies and gave me a heads up) and to my face as well. I was bullied for liking minecraft as well and what I wore( I normally dressed comfortably i clothes with textures I could tolerate or liked) and never dressed up like the other girls unless I had to for concerts. I also put little effort into my appearance. Due to this I became very self conscious of wearing my minecraft shirts and I still feel this now. I have a American flag dress I wore going out to eat last night and due to me being uncomfortable wearing just a dress or shorts underneath I wore some black leggins tennis shoes (I'm injured so no dress shoes) and black socks, with a dress that has no black on it. Now I didn't have any pants that would match so I went with black as it would be the best next thing. My mom made a comment that I can't exactly remember before she realized that I didn't have anything else and wasn't comfortable not wearing pants under a dress. I told her my feelings later and she said, "while it isn't my style do you like it and feel good in it?" When I said yes she told me then you where what you enjoy wearing and don't let anyone bring you down. Which helps a lot. She never meant to make me feel this way but her comment earlier set off those old trauma related feelings. #Bullying #Trauma #ChildhoodAnxiety

I find myself over sharing as an adult because as a kid I did not say anything when I did not feel okay. I couldn’t even put words to the feelings and thoughts I was having. I did not even know I was feeling negatively.

I have a new theory that millennials and younger generations now have so much to talk about in terms of mental health due to the hundreds of years of humanity that never could voice their pain. Now that we have a somewhat socially acceptable foundation of words and definitions (that will still never fully describe the complicated web of emotions that occurs in any one human mind), we are using them. And in doing so we are opening up years of pain, that is ours, but that of the ones before us still lingers over head.

I get frustrated when people say that we are now too “deep” about things. Saying we focus too much on our mental health, as if somehow suggesting that in seeing it we are contributing to it or causing it... or that we are just exaggerating or seeking attention. I think some people even believe that people just want an excuse to call out of work or cancel plans... why would anyone in their right mind want to bail on something they enjoy or miss a paycheck? We aren’t lazy, we are just not ourselves right now. Functioning becomes hard and exhausting.

#Anxiety #Depression #ChildhoodAnxiety

Ok, I promised myself to write this down, so why not? Maybe it's a progress too. And maybe someone can get some strength from my story.
This week's Wednesday was a bad day as I didn't have for a long time. My OCD is mostly based on childhood events, moments, and the fear of loss or ruin everything. I think I've had the greatest parents, grandparents and siblings I could have. But still... when I was 'bad', like I didn't want to clean my room or arrived home late, so whatever a parent can be angry about, my Mom used to scold me as parents usually do when a child does something I mentioned. But my Dad's reaction was different. He was a great Dad, he never shouted or hurted me physically. He just looked at me with a really sad face, and told me: " I am disappointed in you", and left my room. That feeling was worse than any kind of shouting. I felt I've ruined everything and can't fix them, doesn't matter how hard I try. I was just crying there and than tried to do my best to be better next time. I think this wasn't abuse, because Dad really didn't mean to hurt me. He thought I will become a better person by this. And, to be honest... I became more sensitive. But at all, I was always sensitive. Now I have to deal with feeling guilty every single day. For example for trying to care about myself a bit. For having conversations at my workplace with my boss, who is a man and my partner is surely jealous and hurted by that - nope, he isn't. He told me he is glad I am finally trying to socialise... I have a fear of ruining everything and causing pain to everybody, or the worst losing my partner because being stupid or something...
My Dad has passed away in 2015... so I can't ask him anymore about this. I always thought about him as my best friend, because somehow he understood my struggle.
So, on Wednesday I asked my Mom about this. I still haven't got the courage for this question before, because I was afraid my Mom would feel hurted by this... but somehow on Wednesday I felt enough time spent since Dad has gone. And somehow, I was right.
My Mom talked to me so honestly, so opened. I haven't seen her talking about the past like this before. And she told me... She is sure about Dad wasn't disappointed really. More likely he was sad and thought I would do the thing better they were angry about.

It was a feeling of getting eased after this talking with my Mom. So many things I haven't told her before and never asked. And I thought the next step is to write it down... to tell this part of my story to you.

I still feel guilty only by writing this down, because I don't want to tell the whole world that my Dad would be a bad person, because he wasn't. He wanted the best for me. I don't want to feel angry about him, even if it's a normal feeling. I don't really know how I exactly feel about these things... these are the past and I have to keep moving on. And hopefully this post is a step on that way.

#ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Anxiety #OCD #ChildhoodAnxiety