Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

Over a week, there was talk of big changes. I guess my mom may have initiated reconciling with her husband again? Either way, she always tells me that she wants to make sure that her adult kids (my brother and I) are ok. I don't know if things are going forward or backward. I'm utterly lost. But I'm finding that I am all the more disconnected from it all. I want to care, but I don't want to. I'm not in deep with anger, but I'm deeply disappointed. It feels like I am on my own. All I can do at this point is to watch it all fall apart or blow up. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Trauma

Hi. I am not sure what is causing me the most trouble right now. Maybe it’s my BPD? My severe anxiety? Bipolar II? My autoimmune diseases being in a flare? Probably all of the above. I just feel really alone and sad right now. I don’t have any irl friends anymore as they are no longer living. I’m having a hard time tonight. It’s been getting worse over the last couple of weeks. It’s to the point I am struggling to even pretend that I am okay (a trick I mastered 40 years ago). # # #Bipolar2 #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #CPTSD #Fibromyalgia #sjogrens

Hi. I am not sure what is causing me the most trouble right now. Maybe it’s my BPD? My severe anxiety? Bipolar II? My autoimmune diseases being in a flare? Probably all of the above. I just feel really alone and sad right now. I don’t have any irl friends anymore as they are no longer living. I’m having a hard time tonight. It’s been getting worse over the last couple of weeks. It’s to the point I am struggling to even pretend that I am okay (a trick I mastered 40 years ago). # # #Bipolar2 #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #CPTSD #Fibromyalgia #sjogrens

I recently posted about an EO that was put out that makes room for institutionalizing anyone who is unhoused. The document implied that people who are unhoused are either “mentally ill,” “criminals,” or “addicts,” a common trope. It is not law, but it can be used as justification- I will not further expand on why I am concerned about that.

It has been very triggering for me, as a person who somewhat recently was unhoused and saw exactly how hard it is to get housing- no matter how hard you try (you can also read previous posts I made here from about 2021-2023 ish).

Since then, there have been posts from the current administration on an online platform that one of my senators is reposting on IG. These messages are about kicking out people who are unhoused in DC. Where? There isn’t a place for them to go. He also stated that those who don’t will be relocated far away. He is now saying they need to “move out” immediately. The fact that my senator is reposting this is terrifying. It means he supports this. He now has the language and executive order for it.

This is coming after my other senator is telling his constituents that we need to have a better work ethic and work more for our kids and grandkids, like our parents did; while also saying that we should get kids into work sooner. Do we see the contradictions?

I am so scared. I know I am housed now, but i have seen how close most people can be to losing their housing stability. I am constantly worried that somehow I will become unhoused again. I feel safe with my boyfriend, but while I try to regain footing, I am being met with really big triggers that remind me how precarious things are.

How does one heal from trauma when the current state of the world feels so unstable and fragile? (Not watching the news is not an option and is not recommended by my therapists or my psychiatrist)

Still crossing my fingers for EMDR to work 🤞

#Agoraphobia #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PanicDisorder #Disability #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #Migraine

I am not telling many people I know about this, but I decided to study to see if I could pass the exam to renew my school psychologist license.

I still am not able to work, as I am still working through various things and I have a lot of symptoms. I am still disabled.

However, I do want to see if I can get my brain to start performing more work/school tasks, if that makes sense. I have weird gaps in my functioning that I am hoping that EMDR will help (mostly things tied to trauma from being homeless and violations of medical rights). I still struggle to concentrate on things, and understand things. But if EMDR works like I hope, my panic attacks will be reduced significantly, I won’t have as many flashbacks, and I won’t be as dysregulated. This will obviously take time. I also have no idea what is going on with my physical health conditions.

I don’t know if I will be able to return to work any time “soon,” or if I want to return to the same field. However, it is a profession that is high in need and it’s kind of a protective factor for me, as well as a test (literally). But one step at a time.

#CheerMeOn #MentalHealth #Disability #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #ADHD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

Within the existing, there is the enduring.

Through brittle mornings with screaming layers of static, there is the enduring.

Shadowing every sunrise, under the smiles and behind the tears, there is the enduring.

What streams in recedes, and through highs, lows, and plateaus, through campfire smoke and electric nostalgia, through the screaming and fumbling and laughing, there is the enduring.

Behind every new moon, in the dust and threads and static, in the smell of returning leaves, in the wondering, thinking, pondering, reaching, and trying, there is the enduring.

Within the existing, in the living and feeling and buzzing and being, I am what I am, and I am built for the enduring.

#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #MentalHealth

Attempts at case management to help with my functional tasks have been unsatisfactory to say the least.
It has led to some medical trauma, especially after negligence that resulted in losing my housing voucher and me homeless (this was back in 2021).
Early this year I had an agency discharge me from case management services because they kept trying to push me to meet with a psychiatrist on a Saturday when I wasn’t comfortable or able to do so. (I contacted the local board of mental health and thankfully my grievance was substituted, however I did not want to stay with that agency).
I tried another agency and it was really hard to get there. I am pretty sure I posted on here about it.
Anyways, I am finally assigned to a new case manager. This one is at the agency I get art therapy from so my therapist is going to talk to the person before we have our appointment. That was yesterday. Today I got a call from him and I asked if he had talked to my therapist. He had not (I didn’t expect him to because it was barely 24 hrs later). So I told him he probably should talk to my therapist before we have an appointment. He agreed and hopefully they will talk and i will meet him next week.
Then I can finally get to things like the tests the doctors have asked me to do months ago but couldn’t make it into the offices to do 🙃
I am so grateful I can advocate for myself and that I have someone to help me explain it all. I also think this is a huge improvement because I really struggle to accept help, even though I need it. My art therapist and I are really working on allowing myself to need help.

#Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #ADHD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine