Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

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What It's Like to Live With Trauma That No One Sees

Just another day of surviving C-PSTD. Everything looks good on the outside. But on the inside, my stomach is twisted, my nervous system is barely functioning from overuse, and my soul is deeply exhausted.

The other day I was triggered by an employee at the DMV who did nothing but her job. I spiraled hard that day, I screamed and cried for hours. It wasn't just about the missing paperwork. It was the fact that I was never guided on how to do life or how to navigate adulthood. So every time I come face to face with a obstacle, and it doesn't pan out - Triggered.

First, I feel the weight hit my chest, then my stomach starts to churn. Tears are inevitable. But it's not just sadness. It's blinding hot rage and anger. I went home and collapsed into screams and sobs. At one point, I yelled at the photos of my departed mother, I find it harder to feel empathy for her with each passing day. It's hard to describe what I'm feeling on the inside or what it's like to heal from everything I experienced, so I'll try, it's word vomit, plus real vomit with a tidal wave of emotions with only one way out. Eventually, I passed out from exhaustion. My afternoon naps - those are the only times I really sleep. At night, the real demons come. In the dark. Where the other monsters reside.

Healing is a rollercoaster in my life. One minute I would be perfectly fine. The next - chaos.

I've learned this: healing is step by step. You define what that looks like.

I've noticed a pattern: first the emotions explode, then I sit. Then my mind starts sorting the facts. I need timelines,. Logic. The 5 W's: who, what, when, where, why.Eventually both sides of me - the emotional and the logical - meet. I can begin to co-exist with what happened. In the present and the past. Because once the emotional attachment releases, it's just a fact about me. And facts can't hurt me the way memories do.

I remind myself daily, I am not broken, I am merely carrying more weight than anyone should. About this post... these words... I've held them in my soul far too long.

To the reader that made it this far, I see you and I see your pain. I hope that you find what's been missing and reclaim it as your own.

#CPTSD #healingjourney #TraumaRecovery #MentalHealth #youarenotalone

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What It's Like to Live With Trauma That No One Sees

Just another day of surviving C-PSTD. Everything looks good on the outside. But on the inside, my stomach is twisted, my nervous system is barely functioning from overuse, and my soul is deeply exhausted.

The other day I was triggered by an employee at the DMV who did nothing but her job. I spiraled hard that day, I screamed and cried for hours. It wasn't just about the missing paperwork. It was the fact that I was never guided on how to do life or how to navigate adulthood. So every time I come face to face with a obstacle, and it doesn't pan out - Triggered.

First, I feel the weight hit my chest, then my stomach starts to churn. Tears are inevitable. But it's not just sadness. It's blinding hot rage and anger. I went home and collapsed into screams and sobs. At one point, I yelled at the photos of my departed mother, I find it harder to feel empathy for her with each passing day. It's hard to describe what I'm feeling on the inside or what it's like to heal from everything I experienced, so I'll try, it's word vomit, plus real vomit with a tidal wave of emotions with only one way out. Eventually, I passed out from exhaustion. My afternoon naps - those are the only times I really sleep. At night, the real demons come. In the dark. Where the other monsters reside.

Healing is a rollercoaster in my life. One minute I would be perfectly fine. The next - chaos.

I've learned this: healing is step by step. You define what that looks like.

I've noticed a pattern: first the emotions explode, then I sit. Then my mind starts sorting the facts. I need timelines,. Logic. The 5 W's: who, what, when, where, why.Eventually both sides of me - the emotional and the logical - meet. I can begin to co-exist with what happened. In the present and the past. Because once the emotional attachment releases, it's just a fact about me. And facts can't hurt me the way memories do.

I remind myself daily, I am not broken, I am merely carrying more weight than anyone should. About this post... these words... I've held them in my soul far too long.

To the reader that made it this far, I see you and I see your pain. I hope that you find what's been missing and reclaim it as your own.

#CPTSD #healingjourney #TraumaRecovery #MentalHealth #youarenotalone

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Life Before and After: The Experience of Nostalgia and Trauma

It's normal to have moments of nostalgia. Maybe you see something that recalls a memory from the past, or you hear a certain sound, smell a particular scent, or even just an old familiar feeling washes over you in a moment that takes you back momentarily. These moments can be bittersweet—the memories can serve as reminders of a time that likely was meaningful, but also perhaps combined with a sense of loss of that time in your life. This is a common experience.

Deeply Consuming Nostalgia Goes Beyond a Momentary Memory

Many people can struggle with deep, heavy, and frequent moments of painful nostalgia. There may be an overwhelming yearning or craving to return to times or places in life in the past. Perhaps times like holidays, or experiences with certain family members, or places that have meaning, or even just returning to simpler times with less responsibility where so many possibilities still lay ahead in life. Whatever it may be, some people can become embedded within deeply consuming nostalgic emotional states.

Within this heavy experience of nostalgia, it goes beyond the bittersweet, once-in-a-while moments. Emotional memories can come up throughout each day and become fully consuming. Often when in these states of deep nostalgia, the memories can be filled with idealized moments, and in turn can be riddled with grief and longing for them in the present. It's even possible that many memories contain a euphoric lacquer brushed over them that makes them appear ideal now in the mind's eye—as if getting back to these moments in time will be the key to happiness and the cure to pain.

How Trauma Can Play a Role in Deep Nostalgia

This deeply yearning form of nostalgia can often happen when people struggle with depression, or the experience of Grass Is Greener Syndrome (which I've written about on my blog if you would like to see more). However, it's also common to experience deep and heavily consuming nostalgia when you've been through certain types of trauma.

If you're a survivor of trauma, you may recognize how trauma can have a way of dividing a person's world. When trauma (it doesn't only have to be one traumatic moment, necessarily, but various types of trauma including ongoing trauma) happens, it can often have a "before" and "after" effect. Basically, the mental and emotional experience can be that there is life before the trauma, and then life after. Trauma is generally a painful and very real turning point in one's life.

Traumatic Impact on the Mind and Body

Traumatic experiences have a strong impact on the mind and body. Trauma is often the result of experiences that you likely didn't how to process in the moments you were faced with. In the experience of trauma, the mind and body wrestles with something overstimulating, scary, painful (and more), and too much to take in and make sense of all at once. It creates not only an earthquake in the mind and body to contend with in the present and going forward, it also often creates a feeling of loss of a certain type of innocence prior to the trauma.

When trauma happens, there is often a new sense of danger, threat, and vulnerability in the world that maybe wasn't experienced before. This can lead to all sorts of emotional responses, such as panic attacks, anxiety, gaps in memory, escapism, difficulty letting one's guard down or relinquishing control, and more as the mind and body struggles to process these overstimulating and overwhelming experiences. This internal shift can result in dividing life into a before-and-after experience as you move forward carrying the impact of trauma.

Comfort in Visiting the Past Before Trauma

When it comes to nostalgia, it is actually quite common for people who've been through trauma to sometimes find safety and comfort in accessing experiences in the past—traveling within themselves back in time to a time and place that made more sense and was perhaps more pure and grounded. Maybe listening to certain music, watching familiar TV shows or movies, engaging in activities that can almost create a cocoon in the past, prior to the trauma. At times, this can serve as a useful coping mechanism.

However, simultaneously, the frequent time spent revisiting the "before" can also create a strong sense of dwelling and paralysis away from life in the present. Within deep and frequent nostalgia, whether it's depression and/or trauma experiences, there can often be a sense of unprocessed grief when dwelling frequently in certain memories. As comforting as these emotional memories may be, the experience of dwelling can sometimes tell us when we haven't processed something painful.

In fact, it is not uncommon for people to begin understanding when they've been through trauma because of their deep nostalgia.

Healing From Trauma and Finding the Path Through

To clarify, having nostalgic moments is completely normal and doesn't mean you're automatically struggling with trauma or depression. But if you're spending a lot of time or emotional energy dwelling in memories of the past, are deeply yearning to relive these moments, or are regularly looking to find escapes to "life before", it may mean that there's at least something unprocessed—perhaps something to be grieved or understood—calling for your attention.

When I work with people who struggle with trauma, depression, Grass Is Greener Syndrome, or even just when frequent experiences of nostalgia show up, we take the time to explore and understand the emotional meaning of these moments and memories. The road to healing can be found through these memories.

#Trauma #Depression #MentalHealth #grassisgreenersyndrome #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

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Feeling all of the anxiety and weight

I hate somatic symptoms. They override every rational part of my brain and take over. It leads to panic attacks and dysregulation. I dissociate more and cannot focus. Even my coping skills (which are diverse and usually very helpful) are too hard for me to even access. My brain cannot stop focusing on the fear. I feel like the only lighthouse operator (what are they called), hypervigilance kicking in because a storm is approaching and I am the only one and must be ready. Complex ptsd- you know?

Lately I have been extremely anxious. We all know why. I have been posting about it. And as things are progressing, it is leading to more somatic symptoms.

It is triggering emotional flashbacks that leave me paralyzed- unable to think about anything other than making sure I am safe. It reminds me of the somatic symptoms I got when I was calling agencies every morning begging for the resource of housing because my friends were kicking me out, again, because they didn’t think it would take this long for me to get housing. The disability system is really hard to survive. And the focus of health care now in its target- how could it not trigger these flashbacks.

GoFest, one of my favorite annual events I have participated in during almost every year despite my situations (which we have seen have been pretty dire at times), was hard for me. I also have been having an increasingly hard time taking care of myself, sleeping, brushing my teeth, leaving, thinking, showering. I am terrified and activated. My medication isn’t working. I’m throwing up purely from anxiety. I literally just throw up now. I am coping through all of this. My therapists have nothing but validating things to say. There are no changes that can be made. I am just existing. I’m not sad. I just am anxious.

And angry. Thank you to my friend who reminded me of this recently. I am angry that my life has become a system of begging for resources when I could be doing so much more! I have a great education and was a great school psychologist- a profession that consistently has openings because the demand is so great. However, because of a combination of trauma and chronic illness, I am disabled and have to spend my time and energy on fighting for resources that are now being fought over in politics. This isn’t about politics. This is about basic human needs.

I have been trying to get well, with so many inhumane barriers, while sick, just so I can return to work and have a normal life. I don’t want money or status or power. I just want a normal life. I want to live with dignity and safety. (People who have been read posts a couple of years ago probably know these barriers)

My boyfriend told me my words and thoughts matter. That I’m a good advocate. He tells me that for every person who does respond to my post, there are probably five others who do read it. Which is why I took the time to post today.

I am so scared today. Thank goodness I have both a therapy and a psychiatrist appointment with my wonderful providers.

#MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #ADHD #ChronicIllness #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Disability #Anxiety #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #AutonomicDysfunction #Migraine #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #POTS #ChronicVestibularMigraine

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Hi, there 👋

Are there people around who are looking to build potential friendships? I feel like I've been contacted by bots or something lately. Not sure what's going on, but I hope I can meet some people here who want to make actual connections. That being said, I hope you're all doing well.

#MentalHealth
#CheckInWithMe
#Anxiety
#Depression
#PTSD
#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder
#ADHD
#ADHDInGirls
#Addiction
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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Case management

This is a vent- I already have a game plan of my next steps.

Case management has been one of the biggest struggles since I have become disabled.

I’m not going to get into all of the reasons I need a case manager but most of it has to do with getting through the disability system without losing that life saving support (because it’s really hard to keep up with the paperwork if you have been homeless) and to get to appointments and advocate for myself because of medical trauma and panic attacks that make it so I don’t get the treatments and tests I need when I need them- no matter how much I try.

I have had to open cases with the local mental health oversight agencies because of two agencies messing with my case management services. Both times, the agencies admitted they were wrong, but the harm was already done.

I have been without a case manager for months after I was discharged without warning by the most recent agency when I told them I wouldn’t see their psychiatrist because I already had one and they agreed to it but went back on it a month later without telling me.

I asked for a peer support person because someone told me that may be more appropriate, but I cannot because I don’t have a SUD.

I went to a different agency last month and the intake was so bad I cried through the whole thing. They didn’t want to know about anything with my physical health or conditions or the medications I take for them. Then they told me I was too high functioning and may not be eligible for case management. I said “I have had case management from other agencies for almost 8 years, I went through this entire intake and you had me share my entire trauma history, i am telling you exactly how my disability impacts my ability to perform these necessary responsibilities for my health, and just because you can’t see my disabilities doesn’t mean they are not there. If they were on the outside of my body then i guarantee I would qualify.” I didn’t think I would hear back from them.

Well I did. I had an appointment today and I spent the week in high anxiety state because I don’t want to go through the justification with someone else again. I “look” fine, i know. So after three separate conversations with my therapists, I made it into that office for a second time, trying to take deep breaths. I made it on time and I found out that they scheduled it at the wrong location. I told them twice I needed it at a certain location. I had my intake there. But they assigned me a case manager at a different location and didn’t tell me when they called me. So I went to the place where I went the first place, the place I requested originally. And the person wasn’t there.

I do not think providers realize how hard it is for people with disabilities to get to these things. I’m tired of explaining and justifying it all. I’m also worried about the upcoming vote on the budget bill that will cut funding for health insurance and make it more cumbersome to complete the already confusing necessary paperwork. (This is not a post inviting others to argue about whether or not this will happen- I am stating a realistic fear that I have checked with my therapists, and is increasing my anxiety about this situation because it feels urgent I get as much done as soon as possible since this is being proposed in the US).

Anyway, thanks for listening.

#MentalHealth #Disability #ChronicDailyHeadache #Anxiety #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #ChronicVestibularMigraine #CheckInWithMe #ADHD #AutonomicDysfunction #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #POTS

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Grateful to have the weekend off, but enjoyed celebrating with my veteran client who turned 97 today. It humbles me to be a caregiver, and I struggle with imposter syndrome, but it gives me a great sense of purpose. As I struggle with my own mental health, I know what I do for others is important, so I keep going. I hope you're all doing ok out there today.
#MentalHealth
#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder
#Depression
#ADHD
#Anxiety
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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#MajorDepressiveDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder I feel like giving up

I have called a lot of apartments to see if they can help me. I am on SSDI and can only pay 725 rent. I think my guarding angle died cause she gave up too. I see my therapist on Friday cause he is worried about my suicidal ideation is very high and other thoughts. I have no plan at the this time but its tempting. Thank god for my therapist he has gotten me through so much. As for my mom she is no help doesn't advocate for me about co-signing. Medicaid sucks big time because they are the ones that are preventing her from doing anything.

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Just wanted to pop in to say "hello" and share this pretty photo I took this morning. Longer work day for me, but I hope you all can find something beautiful in your day 🌼
#MentalHealth
#Depression
#Anxiety
#ADHD
#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder
#PTSD
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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An open window

Well… I didn’t think this was going to happen.

I sometimes talk about the grief I have from going no contact from almost everyone from my pastz I had a very wide circle, and unhealthy best friends and toxic family members, surviving dv and homelessness- it just didn’t work that I felt comfortable knowing what I ended up knowing later. Specifically it has been hard to not be an aunt. I went no contact with my sister who was my first abuser. It was while the children were minors. I didn’t know what would happen but my sister was making my cptsd harder to manage after it being triggered by dv. I can feel it in my nervous system when “vibes are off”- someone please tell me this isn’t in my mind because the logical side of me is like- what do you mean???
Anyways very tangential- so my niece got mad at me when I was displaced to Cleveland for an unknown period of time and didn’t tell her. Now at that period of time I was no contact with my sister and really weird contact with other family members, I was still unhoused planning to go back to Dayton- and didn’t want that information passed along. I understood her point and told her that it wasn’t a conversation I could have (or something) and I am so so so sorry. I validated her feelings.
So yesterday I got a message from my niece on IG. She had unfollowed me- I refused to block her. She is still young and hasn’t done anything out of the range of normal for her development and knowledge of the situation. I am so happy! Although I was very sad that she grew tired of my sister’s abuse. I am not sure she knows that’s what it is yet. She moved out and lives with her boyfriend. She is over 2 hours away and I remember that liberty when I moved further from reach of my family. She told me she is “no contact” with everyone but my mom and my mom’s husband. I don’t know what she had heard about me, or what she believes about me. My sister’s abuse became worse when I became disabled even though we live hundred of miles apart and never asked her for anything.
I am worried about my niece though. She seems lonely. I hope when she starts working she gets some social time. I’m trying not to be the overexcited aunt who fell out of the family- but here I am.
#Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ADHD #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome

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