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    The test of mental health that makes me mentally ill-- is it me or just me?

    My psychiatrist gave me this mental health test and somehow I feel so confused and reluctant to answer those mentally and emotional kind of questions.

    Part of me want to laugh on myself, but the other part of me want to take the test seriously.

    The questions actually about how are my feelings recently-- sad, angry or hopeful/less as well about the thoughts that I have been dealing with-- things that I likely to answer with "whatever/i don't care/ i don't know".

    But since the test was given in optional answer, and I can only choose one, I was confused because there is no option that I like to choose, so I was like forced to opt the answer that I don't want.

    My diagnose is not yet ruled out, I had this confusion of personality and instability of emotion regulation, so the last time I had my session I was having panick attack and after a week or so, I feel like I don't really need any help at all. So now.. that test kind of give another relapse memory of panick attack episode.

    Just share what I have in mind so I don't feel like freaking freak by myself. --ha ha--


    #Confusion #MentalHealth #Anxiety

    19 reactions 5 comments

    Your first.. What is the first thing to talk about when you check in with a Physician at the first session. #Anxiety #Confusion

    I have not been to any Physician to talk about my symptoms because I just dont have the financial support. Because I am aware that I have to have more than 1 times of counseling session to get the right diagnose or maybe just to get medicated.

    Now I feel like I really want to know what is it with me, at least for 1 session... but I have doubt because I feel I am okay, I dont need any session, SO.. there is a battle of mind.

    I have several symptoms that I have been observed in a daily basis, and it has been years I just realized now.

    No.1, anxiety on anything related to my kids, its more like overthinking, and it makes me cannot get everything done, if I don't or cannot see my kids whereabout, and this happens everyday AT HOME. Say goodbye to multitasking chores, too stress to handle.

    No.2, usually I am able to talk with friends or strangers even, but now, I am better stay at home and friends are just too annoying for me, because they just like to brag and share about their life, it gets me anxious and annoyed.

    No.3, I cannot concentrate on anything else, when I have this urge to focus on something. Like now, I am focusing on my mental health, but I cannot focus on my business and work. I am so confused which one to choose when it get to what needs to be prioritized. Its like i am hyperfocus on one thing and throw away the rest.

    And.. of course, trouble sleeping...

    I can easily share everything here by the way... maybe because I can't see people's face so it just calming. 😅

    Any idea or any suggest what exactly I need to do? Or what is the first thing i should say to a Physician for the first time?


    I cannot stand with everything, I am scared, i am angry I have no idea #overwhelmed #tired

    I have to deal with my owned toddler, yes my son he is now 2 yrs old... from monday to sunday, every day for like 6 hours I have to be a parent! while my husband have to work, i have to do all the house chores, clean up, cooking, and takjng care of my toddler. Not to mention he always say no.. and I am just soo tired..

    During the night my son still need me to accompany him while he asleep, until he wakes up.. otherwise he cant sleep.. I am stuck.

    I hate my husband already because he cannot afford to pay a helper! i cannot have my free time at all, not even an hour of tranquility, every single day and night! and i am starting to hate everybody around me. I hate my kids.. I hate my family.. I hate my friends, i just cannot stand to have everyone around me, i push them away. I hate my self because I cannot control my emotions and not to have self regulation.

    My head fills with a biq question mark, when this thing is gonna be over??
    Do I really need help?? I have no idea what is wrong with me.

    #Confusion #anger


    Pressing on?

    #Mania #Depression # bipolar # paranoia #Confusion #PTSD
    2 years ago I had a traumatic experience. My first bipolar manic episode. I couldn’t think, time went away, I didn’t know where I was, I blacked out, didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, and worst of all had horrific hallucinations and delusions. The degree of terror to which I experienced then has gone away, but the fear, the paranoia, the not being able to think straight, that remains. It makes functioning and doing simple tasks really hard. It means not wanting to get up and communication breakdown with loved ones . I have suicidal thoughts all the time because everything is so hard (and I know that’s just life.) but I feel like I’m on a tight rope and any moment things could go to hell. I try to explain what I feel and what goes on in my brain but it’s no use . Most folks don’tunderstand unless they are going through it themselves. I don’t know how to press on.

    See full photo

    When The Devil Dies #Abuse #Loss #Confusion

    So I mentioned sharing something a bit, well, a lot raw in an earlier post. I've elected not to take it quite so far, partly because I don't want to play around parsing the 3700 words I wrote two months ago into multiple 'thoughts' and partly because I probably don't want it all out on the web.

    Here's the deal -- a couple of months ago, I got a call from the Mission Viejo Sheriff's office informing me that my father had died.

    Initially, it hit me like the death of a D-List celebrity that I had forgotten was still alive. A curiosity, nothing more.

    Then, I was told that he died in a county-run hospice while suffering from vascular dementia and was indigent at the time.

    So, somehow, this man who was making 70K a year in 1976 and retired from Boeing in the early 2000s had died destitute, scared, confused, and alone.

    To be honest, his death couldn't have been more fitting. He was a full-fledged monster, but the sneaky kind.

    To put it as succinctly as possible, when he moved out of state (I was 16 and lived with my mom), I didn't see him off because I was afraid I'd end up in jail for life. And the one time I allowed him to get within touching distance of one of my sons a decade later, I almost vomited on the spot.

    None of this, however, is my issue.

    My issue is this - after chuckling with my brother over the phone, celebrating the level of suffering dear old dad must have endured in the end, things changed in my head.

    Now, I've experienced terrible grief not long ago, losing my mom suddenly - two days after a successful surgery - in May of 2020. So, I know what soul-searing pain feels like.

    This wasn't that.

    And yet, for about ten days, my mind was so ....floaty(?)... that I couldn't write (I'm paid well to do that daily), and I could barely think. There was a quiet but massive rage lurking somewhere inside, but mostly I just felt permanently drunk.


    I don't miss him. I hadn't spoken to him at all for nearly twenty years. The closest I got was telling his rarely used FB profile (which at the time had an 11-year-old unanswered friend request sent to me) that Mom had died. He never responded but was probably already mentally lost at the time.

    I sat with my wife that evening, racking my brains, trying to conjure a single good memory that involved my dad, but I couldn't come up with a single one. The memories I could conjure weren't so happy, but they were old news and not why I failed in my quest.

    And yet, there I was... ten days of quiet rage, confusion, and consternation. He deserved nothing. He deserved apathy. So why did it screw me up so bad? The devil died -- and suffered at it for months if not years. It should have been a party.

    Why wasn't it? And if it wasn't, why wasn't I sad? Why was I so angry? So ... floaty?



    Break down

    I finally reach my break down today.
    I cried , feels so much better after i hold it for i dont know how long maybe a month or so.
    Everything not in a good place right now.
    I had a bad day, i feel defeated.
    I feel like shit just keep going down right now, I have no desire to work at all.
    I just wanna be on the bed.
    I dont wanna do anything, i feel shit.
    I'm sad and actually lost.
    I had an anxiety attack when i was driving back home, not good.
    I never experienced this much.
    I've been having this anxiety attack for the past few days, it is bad I don't like it.
    My chest always feels like filling up, but i dont know what it is.
    I have so much things going on with work, but also it is hard to explain. The feeling just never wanna go away even I've tried.#Depression #Anxiety #Confusion


    How to respond when your anxiety/depression and meds are said to be the cause of everything!

    I’m sad. I don’t know another word for my feelings right now. I haven’t felt good for this one day week. My BF says that I’m sick due to the meds I’m taking (I’ve been on the same for years) and because I don’t feel like going out…that it’s due to my “depression”..when I honestly don’t think that’s it. I am starting to feel like HE is using my anxiety against me. He says “I look a certain way”…(which apparently I have a massive RBF) when there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I don’t know what to say back anymore. #Depression #Anxiety #Relationships #Confusion

    1 reaction 10 comments

    Dream vs Reality

    Recently started having trouble distinguishing if what I am doing / did in a dream or reality. Does anyone else experience this? #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Confusion


    MY JOURNAL ENTRY DURING A TRIGGERED STATE-LAST MONTH. #triggered #CPTSD #outofreality #distortedtime #Confusion

    Time is passing by,
    I see the clock change,
    Suddenly, I become aware of time,
    I LOOK,
    there is LIGHT,
    My mom and dad are UP.
    LIGHTS are ON.
    LIGHTS are OFF.
    My parents are EATING.
    THEY are LEAVING the house- church I guess… This EBBING AND FLOWING OF TIME, is NOT as a CLOCK hand, STEADILY clicks.
    Time is so DREAMY, so DISTORTED,
    no matter, what EVENTS ARE AT PLAY.
    I think to LOOK UP,
    I see…. all my BEDROOM LIGHTS ON,
    as I WORK, on the task at hand,
    AND SEE DARKNESS, the clock says 3AM!
    I walk into, the rest of the HOUSE,
    I could have SWORN WE JUST ATE LUNCH,
    WHERE did everyone GO?
    What happened to the SUN?
    What happened to the CLOCK?
    Is this an ILLUSION?
    or is it a TRICK of the MIND?
    I NEVER really KNOW anymore,
    They ALWAYS prove ME WRONG!
    I could ACCUSE, conspiracy,
    But, how does one, CONSPIRE,
    I will NOT APPROACH, the subject,
    But, I am growing weary, and dazed……
    By TIME…SHIFTING….on ..ME!
    Leaving me… UNSURE….and CONFUSED!….
    DAY, is not separated from NIGHT.
    I do NOT know when it TIME to EAT.
    I do NOT know when to SLEEP.
    I do NOT know the SEPARATION of DAYS….
    WHETHER or not I I have showered…
    OR done my ADL’s…
    I think the,
    TIME CONTINUUM, HAS BEEN WARPED! #triggered #CPTSD #outofreality #distortedtime #Confusion

    1 comment