cpt

Sorry I ramble on so much.

I have been feeling so depressed that my body and mind just ache and ache. I feel like dead weight. I haven’t been sleeping well either and that helps absolutely nothing. My PTSD-centered therapy of nearly three years has been intense overall but we have entered into another “super intense” phase.

My therapist and I are looking again at specific memories and trying to focus more on the feeling aspect as well as my thought process. Today I discovered one way that I learned to label myself “worthless.” The whole thing has ripped my heart out and has been a little bit of an “Oh, my God” moment. I actually got to the point of saying “it wasn’t my fault.” I was the one who got into trouble – my perpetrator wasn’t even approached. As a 14-year-old, my needs for safety and protection were not met even when those needs should have been shining like a neon sign. I took my cues from others – at that age I had no other frame of reference – and what was seen on the outside (which was definitely not the whole picture but there were definite snapshots) was treated like it was “no big deal” so I didn’t think it was. I stayed in the role as victim even though I had no clue anything was wrong. And things got worse.

My therapist put this into Cognitive Processing Therapy terms before I left his office today. He came up with a stuck point that I’m having trouble with. “If people don’t respond to my needs, I am worthless.” It makes me sound so needy. As a 14-year-old, I wasn’t ABLE to be responsible for all of my needs though. Or was I? But that question bumps against the idea that it was my fault, doesn’t it? It’s so confusing!! And I know now, as a woman in my 50s, I AM responsible for meeting my own needs and don’t equate others not responding to them as a sign that I am worthless. At least not for the most part.

He told me to change my stuck point to something that feels better but I’m not sure what fits. And…truth be told…if I took what he gave me or came up with something else, I would then have to attempt a try at the worksheets. I know there is avoidance in there. I am in so much pain I don’t know if I can do it on my own.

I hate this.

#PTSD #CPTSD #Therapy #cpt #cognitiveprocessingtherapy #Depression #Anxiety

#MST trying to think I’m good enough and change the thought process surrounding the whole situation get me to my core. I’m working with a lawyer because since I didn’t report the rape the VA says it never happened. I reported to my command 4 days prior and it happened on my birthday. 15 years ago. Along with childhood trauma makes for a lovely alphabet soup.

I’ve completed #cpt and about to finish #emdr . Complex PTSD, severe anxiety, major depressive disorder and dissociative disorder.

My brain is taking me down a road I don’t want to be. I’m not okay.

Has anyone been completely through CPT? I had my second session yesterday and I left feeling so awful I wanted to quit. I know I can’t but has it helped anyone? #cpt

The Old Lady

There is an old lady who lives in my head
She wears all my clothes
And sleeps in my bed
She gackles and cackles all the night through
"You can't go to sleep
I'm talking to YOU
Clean up that plate child
You hear what I say?
Now look what you've done
You're turning me grey
And don't you start crying
Shut up now you hear?
Did that hurt your feelings?
You poor little dear
But stop it and choke it
You're all grown up now
Did you eat all that?
Why you fat little sow"

To me it's all riddles
That cross in the middle
But never end up anywhere
And if I could catch her
I'd gash and bash her
Then I'd rip out all her hair
Yes, there is an old lady who lives in my head
One morning we'll both wake up dead
#MightyPoets #eating disorder #Voices #Survivor