I have opened up a lot about my mental illnesses to my friends and family in recent years.
What I get is a big mixture of "I'm so glad you're talking about it," to "well, we are all F***Ed up, I knew you were too."
What I do not feel though, is heard or understood. Like on FB, if you're not happy, friendly and up beat at least 75-85% of the time. People drop you. So that just makes me feel like I am resented for being me.
I do not communicate with memes, jokes, sarcasm, or innuendo well. At least, not in written form. So if I try to be up beat and jovial, people still are like "so glad you feel better"
Buy I have been in perpetual depression since my dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2020. I am lost and cannot find my way out fighting grief since his death and the death of my service animal in 2021. So I am not better.
I want to literally spend all day, every day in bed with books, my teddy bear and warm blankets. Because I have no interest in anything.
If I behaved the way I feel, no one would be okay with what was going on. Friends, family, they would be freaked out because I wouldn't be there.
But I fight this so much. And I am tired.
Tired of the physical invisible illnesses. Tired of the mental diseases that leave me exhausted, broke, sick, and suicidal on the regular. Tired of just wanting to know how to make things work for my family, only to have everything blow up in my face day after day.
I am tired of living.
I don't want to die.
I am not trying to end my life.
I just do not want to be what I am any more.
I have no one to talk to about it. People say "so be different!" How!? How do I train myself to be different? Who can teach me? What books do I read? What work books? Is there a guide?
What do I need to do to stop being this lump of nauseated, depressed, migraine ridden, impulse driven, exhausted, manic insomniac, lethargic, apathetic 400lb lump!?
I'm so tired of being alone in wanting to change.
#Depresssion #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #GastroesophagealRefluxDisease #Asthma #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #Obesity #ChronicMigraineSyndrome #PMDD #CatamenialEpilepsy #DegenerativeNerve