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PMDD Migraine, Catamenial Epilepsy, Seizures

It starts just after the bleeding ends. Pain lacerates my eye, searing a trail of red hot magma to the back of my skull.
Needles of light at every dawn, pierce, poke, prod their way through my sanity, injecting fire and acid through my brain, my veins.
Pressure builds as wave after wave of sound, regardless of source, invade my ears, threatening to topple the sandcastle that is my sanity.
Heavy. The light. The pain. The sound. So heavy. It pushes me down to where I cannot function, I cannot push through. I cannot find my way out.
Yet I do.
I still am here as it intensifies, hour upon hour. Day upon day. For 7. For 10. 21...
And as it slams me down I feel it.
The tickle of lostness that is my Epilepsy coming into my space to take control.
I beg "please no, not now" but it does not hear my cries, and does not see my fear, it only sees the pathway pain has clearly lit for it.
My eyes begin to roll, hands and feet stiffen, neck snaps back and forth, and my thoughts are lost to the seizure.
I hear me moan but do not recognize it is me.
I feel me gasping for air, and unable to breathe.
My arms flailing, straighten, slamming.
Head the same.
Back arching, chest heaving, eye rolling, face snarling.
Am I an animal?
The doctors say it is stress, emotion, and not real.
As a kid, I heard it all the time.
Now I'm unable to trust the experts because they will never have my best interest in mind.
Myoclonic Seizures, Migraines, PMDD and Catamenial Epilepsy.
It all has these wonderful names. To me they are my bodies way of torturing itself and I am tired of being a part of its game.
#MyoclonicEpilepsy #CatamenialEpilepsy #Migraine #PMDD

1 reaction

Depression Thoughts

I have opened up a lot about my mental illnesses to my friends and family in recent years.
What I get is a big mixture of "I'm so glad you're talking about it," to "well, we are all F***Ed up, I knew you were too."
What I do not feel though, is heard or understood. Like on FB, if you're not happy, friendly and up beat at least 75-85% of the time. People drop you. So that just makes me feel like I am resented for being me.
I do not communicate with memes, jokes, sarcasm, or innuendo well. At least, not in written form. So if I try to be up beat and jovial, people still are like "so glad you feel better"
Buy I have been in perpetual depression since my dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2020. I am lost and cannot find my way out fighting grief since his death and the death of my service animal in 2021. So I am not better.
I want to literally spend all day, every day in bed with books, my teddy bear and warm blankets. Because I have no interest in anything.
If I behaved the way I feel, no one would be okay with what was going on. Friends, family, they would be freaked out because I wouldn't be there.
But I fight this so much. And I am tired.
Tired of the physical invisible illnesses. Tired of the mental diseases that leave me exhausted, broke, sick, and suicidal on the regular. Tired of just wanting to know how to make things work for my family, only to have everything blow up in my face day after day.
I am tired of living.
I don't want to die.
I am not trying to end my life.
I just do not want to be what I am any more.
I have no one to talk to about it. People say "so be different!" How!? How do I train myself to be different? Who can teach me? What books do I read? What work books? Is there a guide?
What do I need to do to stop being this lump of nauseated, depressed, migraine ridden, impulse driven, exhausted, manic insomniac, lethargic, apathetic 400lb lump!?
I'm so tired of being alone in wanting to change.
#Depresssion #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #GastroesophagealRefluxDisease #Asthma #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #Obesity #ChronicMigraineSyndrome #PMDD #CatamenialEpilepsy #DegenerativeNerve

1 reaction 4 comments

Because I am a Monster #PMDD

I cannot stop and try to think how to phrase a sentence, because the words are then placed in my mouth, and regurgitate from the mouth of others as if fact.
I cannot stop myself from doing something because the inaction, or semi-action are misinterpreted as something more aggressive that I wasn't trying to do, and I am screamed at.
I am trying to control something that makes me out of control.
Today I was called a monster, by my mother, told I was a horrible mother and wife, immediately after sponge bathing my husband because he broke his arm.
My mom basically made me feel like I am faking my seizures because when I was coming out of one of them my dog yelped and I was trying to pay attention to her. I had already been in the throws of it for 8 minutes.
I want to just not wake up tomorrow. I have Catamenial Epilepsy, C3 and C2 with Myoclonic and Partial Seizures. But according to my mom "they don't look like anything a real seizure looks like" aka a Tonic-Clonic.
So I am a monster, I fake my seizures, I am a bad wife, I am a bad mother, I am selfish, "always so angry," "so much like Wolfgang (my abusive father) it is terrifying,"
I don't want to exist...
#PMDD #AbuseSurvivors #CatamenialEpilepsy #BipolarDisorder #ChronicDepression #apathy


I Don't Tell You Because

I posted on Facebook last week that I was suicidal, and considering a divorce. I did not know I was experiencing the worst days of my PMS, because my monthly changed its schedule.
In response I was given a phone number to a hotline, many thoughts and prayers and my wonderful aunt, freaked out.
When my daughter was born I promised her that I would never take my own life and I would always get help. I promised the same to my son when he was born. I do not break my promises.
My course for when I feel this way, I go to bed. I take my anxiety meds, leave my medications with a and go to bed.
My aunt was having none of it. She was texting me nonstop for over an hour. While I appreciate her well meaning, my gods take my answers at their word!!!
I don't talk about how I feel on Facebook because the people there instantly freak out, think the worst, make snap judgements about what I need, and hound me about my wishes.
I ton't talk to anyone about this stuff because it is a symptom of my PMS that I become irrationally angry, overly emotional, have suicidal thoughts, and have attempted suicide in the past, and no one understands.
I don't talk about it because I have seizures that accompany my PMS and the first day of my cycle that make me feel awful and make life a thousand times more difficult.
I am tired of explaining myself all the time. I don't owe anyone explanations, I don't owe anyone anything. So when I finally discover my diagnosis and share it there with everyone "concerned" when I was suicidal and having awful seizures, and no one responds like I never said anything. That is when I know they didn't care.
#Depression #OurSideOfSuicide #PMS #Epilepsy #CatamenialEpilepsy #PMDD #PremenstrualDysphoricDisorder