Depeession

I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago not so long after I was diagnosed with depression. Not to brag about myself, I have a very good memories and I’m a super fast learner. So I don’t need that much time to complete my homework especially in maths and physics. I never have to study outside of the classroom. I only have to listen and pay attention in what my teachers or professors are telling me. I take notes to help me memorize stuffs, not for me to study the notes. I never look at those notes, only my friends borrows them. This habit of getting through things easily with a without putting works onto it and still get very good grades on all the classes, got me through KG-senior year of college. College was a little hard when I actually had to write an essay which required a lot of effort and long hours. I thought I was being lazy all the time, which at this present time, I’m not so sure if my ADHD and laziness can be separated anymore. They are kind of embedded in to me. But in the end, I graduated with a highest honor and my thesis won the best design thesis in Thailand.

College for me was a little challenging but the real challenge started when I had to take my GRE. GRE is a real pain in the butt. If you have taken it, you know what I’m talking about. Math for me was really easy. That was math that I’ve learned in elementary school. But the English part, it was like taking another language test that isn’t even English. And English isn’t my first language. My reading skill isn’t as good as other people, especially on the topic that I’m not interested in like Herbalogy... i had to read them four times to understand enough on what was going on in the text depite I understood most of the vocabulary in there. It was strange that I had a hard time to process those texts that I’m not interested in. At that point, I still didn’t know that I had ADHD. My GRE score wasn’t that good but in the end, I got into a grad school in an Ivy League school.

I’m currently major in Architecture. Life sucks. During my second year, I saw my boyfriend slept with a classmate in our apartment and from that point I had severe depression. Graduate school works are so hard and require a lot of concentration. A lot of paper, readings, and design projects that I need to spend a lot of time on. There were four classes that I let myself fail because I couldn’t complete the task despite that fact that I was very close to finish them, like less than 5%. So I decided to take a break from the school for a year, depression was really bad at the point.

I’ve been seeing my psychiatrist every week and having psychotherapy with him. One day, I mentioned to him this lingering struggle. So he thought that I might also have ADHD for a while. So he prescribe Ritalin, which works great on me. I could concentrate like I’ve never. But sometimes I wonder why do I need these meds to function. Is it normal for me to feel incompetent? Do you guys with ADHD feel the same way? #ADHD

Am I really depressed?

Even tho I have been depressed since my preteens.

No, am I REALLY depressed?

Even tho I've been thru 3 huge traumas in the early stages in my life - including losing my father at a very young age.

Serious, is this really depression?

Even tho I have to refill my medication script every month while listening to the critics that claim that other people have gone thru worse and they are not depressed. Why am I?

Maybe this isn't depression?

Even when I can't get up in the morning and I lie in bed uncontrollable and crying.

Even when I want to swerve my car into oncoming traffic.

Even when I used to be a 10 year old child and I wud cut my wrists because I was a burden to everyone around me.

Even when I can barely move and get hit by a headache inducing panic attack.

But still, even now, even in those dark moments I still ask myself........

Am I depressed?

#Poem #creativewriting #expression #Pain #Anxiety