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Armed With Knowing

So many...
Too many... Thoughts and Feelings
Violently ripping away at my mind... Constant and Contradictory
They strip me of any sense of worth...
Everything I knew I needed to do, To be
To see pride in my father's eyes,
Washes away in a devastating Flood of Anger...
Fists, tears...
Confusion and fear hidden beneath a cloak of Bravado..
With relationships destroyed and buried...
At the bottom of a bottle.
Distraction curing all my afflictions
One drink
One bag
One fair weather friend at a time.
Incredible how a smell, a sniff alone returned to me what I was so quickly losing...
Melting away any self doubt
Confidence and Ambition
Warming me up again...
Until it became too warm..
Changing from a smolder to a... Combative force.
Appearing cold as I leave carnage in my wake.
Though... my jobs, relationships... my self-worth.
My hope.
Also lay disintegrating along with the rest of the dismembered remains
Cocaine couldn't save me, it isn't strong enough to fight this Tyrant..
Every moment of everyday that I survive in the clutches of this... Hungry Thug,
My mind is burning and my body aches
Today has to be the last, that I seek cover in this void
Tomorrow I will fight. If I fail, then I'll riot the next day and create anarchy the next.
Then maybe, someday,
I will finally
Detatch myself from the wearisome, tedious, and exhausting grasp of
Bipolar and
Borderline Personality disorder
I didn't know then, what I know now...
Now I have hope.
Now I am armed.
#inowknow #Bipolar #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPDDiagnosis #unhinged #itsnormal #expression #strength #diagnosed #maybeiwillbreatheagain #armedwithknowledge #andsomepills #mommaalwayssaidimcrazy #notanymore #itakepillsforthat #noshame

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Part 1 of "Me" (Trigger Warning?)

First off I hate saying “me” for “me” is a part of your identity that most people don’t really care about, or even overlook.

I really hate getting into my past and opening about things that I am not even sure of. However, when you have been abused and hit your head as many times as I have (which I am not sure the amount) it is tough to open up the doors that have been demoed from both sides to not let anyone in.

I have always been a “go-er” a “do-er” yet nothing really ever would stop me from never getting to the checkered flag.

My upbringing if you shall was something that would take more than one writing to explain.

I was the youngest of 2 older siblings and felt the vibes of the family before they came home, or other interludes.

My family and I never talked to each other well. The main love language was hatred and dispair. I had to train myself that every negative thought I needed to think 3 + next. It was not easy and it didn’t happen until about my 30’s but hell I am still living.

Granted there are days when my past is just really the present, and there is no way to turn in another direction to clear my head.

I hardly cry, I have learned to only speak when I truly need to. Most importantly I have learned that when people don’t give you the time of day then why bother returning that “favor”.

Once you decide to never go back in time -only by the faded memories that you hold in your dilapidated head- you start to see what was or could have been a hell of alot easier.

There is usually only 1 person that gets away from others, matter of factly those “people/person” live so that you can meet or talk or chat, and learn to move on with that life you could never, especially now.

Losing a family member is one thing, you usually get updates and phone calls, text messages. Whatever to let you know a loved one is in trouble. However, when you fade in and out of everyone’s life like a gypsy it is hard for anyone to tell you more than you already know.

Pain in life is manageable yet pain let in the heart is extremely hard to heal even with time.

As I might of stated in my other post. Over 12 years have passed. I will never know for certain who led him to Jesus to be born again. Being told something in the Spirit is not the same a confirmation in person.

We never dated, we only talked like really good trusted friends should be able to. It is even harder to know that you really did give it your all, and friends were where that line was drawn. Not mad, just disappointed for from what I remember his g/f treated him like sh*t and took advantage of his heart. I had feelings back then that even though she was rich she still cheated on a person that will always be my dearest friend in the world. Sadly too little too late to confront her, not sure if I ever did, but I would.

Money doesn’t make you a good person nor does it take away all the damn problems that were caused by it.

I remember standing up for people through out my life that never could. I could see a woman getting abused if she got in to the car that night. Ended up yelling at the male to leave her alone and drive away. It really only takes a moment of time to feel better, yet with each moment that continues my heart tends to not feel better.

There is a time in your life that you figure out that you are an empath, highly sensitive person and well get easier annoyed by others that think that being right is better than being understood. Never walk into a room expecting everyone to know who you are. Yet, it is nice for others to introduce themselves to you, cause well you know not everyone is a good person.

The evil in this world tried to reside in that part of the past they they can never get through or around. For the ditch is now dug all the way around so that no unworldly disarray can swim across the oceans that have been left to have no more tormenting. For the waters have been cleaned, along with the air, for what is to come. The lakes, rivers, waterfalls, and raindrops are meant to be chased. You may never find the answers you are looking for but hay, at least you tried to find the answers to your problems in the natural on your own.

Whenever I try to dig deeper all I get is lies, half truths. It's wonderful to know that what I can’t remember from my childhood will always be haunting. There are times when your doubts kill all the hope tha tyou have inside. When the Silence can not last. Your heart bleeds with the abyss of disdain that no one seems to understand.

Having your life become one of the best love movies in reality just suchs.

Being Wendy to the Caspers I get but have not been trained for. FOr I trained myself my whole life in alot of things and only took “Golden Nuggets” from stories that were told to me.

I really do not ask for much, I may have expensive taste. Yet, I dare you to look at how I have lived my life, and walked my walk. I have scares on my feet, and callus that will not heal on my heals.

I have seen, I have felt, and understood what others were so unwilling to forgive.

It has never been my job to destory others, only to build them up.

I have always put my dreams on hold for others to make sure that their lives are more complete than whatever mine could come to.

I have been passed by for modeling when I was growing up, left in a family that didn’t really care for my name or making sure my siblings or I were fed.

I remember alot of things yet without confirmations it is all make believe left to fade away into the air that the dead breathe.“Dead” being those that are hopeless, just like my heart has been for ages to come and ages to go.

Eye glances are just shimmers in the nights that we need to stop holding on to, Since they weren’t pretend. Stars are great to look at and even better to wish apon. Yet when the rain come crashing down what do you have left to believe? Or hold on to if that rope broke.

There are eyes crying to be along with the hearts of the broken hearted.

There is no one to stop you but you.

#Pain #clairvoyant #Autistic #Emotions #expression #Hope


Growing Pains

Back in the day,

We used to play outside till dawn

Now, we're just another government pawn

Back in the day,

We used to live, laugh & grow

Now, we are forced to work our asses off bro

What is this shit? (mind my language)

Death is a trap to try and get us to submit?

As kids, we couldn't wait to be adults

Now, I reflect and I am like that was truly nuts!

The days when we could cry and be comforted

Childhood turned to adulthood and those days plummeted

Now, we're struggling to make ends meet, Who would have thought, childhood was only a treat

But it's life,

So put away that knife

It is what it is -

God is good, all is his

Better days are ahead

So, go and continue to chase that bread!

#Life #resilience #NeverGiveUp #Suicide #SuicideAwareness #Selfharm #selfharmawareness #strength #courage #bravery #Independence #freedom #freedomwriters #useyourwords #expression #expressyourself #creativity #Deep #deepthinkers #bold #Spirituality #Meditation #Spiritual #calm #Zen #gowiththeflow #liveinthepresent #loa #TheSecret #manifest #manifestation #Positivity #PositiveVibes #GoodVibes #vibes #Energy #YouCanDoIt #Believe #Hope #Care #Empathy #compassion

1 comment

× The Beauty Within Ourselve's × #Topic #expression #Openingup

× The Beauty Within Myself Is Not My Face, Nor My Figure. The Real Beauty Within Myself Start's With Self-Love Even Though I Loathe It Sometime's. To Be Brutally Honest I Have Never Liked Myself. Why ? One Main Reason My #CerebralPalsy . Yeah People Still Look At Me Funny Etc. But I Can't Change Other's. Because They Have There Very Own Demon's Inside. But One Thing Is For Sure That I'm Starting To Finally Love Myself. Through My Poetry x Art Therapy. I Will Alway's Cherish All Of My Friendship's On Here The Doc But What I Value The Most Is Myself x My Poetry.. But I Will Alway's Love All Of You Beautiful Stranger's. Thank You! For Letting Me Be The Master Poet For This Entire Community Of Awsome People. All My Love Your Favorite Poet. ☆ Skadi Kvitravn ☆#Topic #Epression #Openingup