poem

Of course I’m fine
But what if I’m not
Of course I’m okay
But what if I’m not
The world keeps turning
But here I am stuck
Trying to breathe and not throw up
My chest is tighter with every breath
Even though I think it’s supposed to be looser
Is this real or in my head
I really wish I knew
Sometimes I get caught up in daily panic attacks
Or anxiety attacks
I really don’t know the difference
But either way they’re torture
Your mind is screaming that something is wrong
But you can’t find what it is
It’s like searching for a flare in the dark
Only the flare is invisible
Am I dying?
Am I crying?
Am I sick?
Am I crazy?
The world may never know
But the worst part is
I need to know
I need answers
So I call the doctor
She says I’m fine
My family says I’m fine
I say I’m fine
But just loud enough to be heard
A voice says what if you’re not?
So the cycle starts again
I can’t breathe
I can’t focus
I feel untethered
Yet I feel everything at once
And I don’t know what to do
This week is worse than weeks past
And there will be more weeks like this in the future
Because unfortunately
Anxiety doesn’t go away because you told it to
It’s a parasite on your brain
It’s there to cause doubt and fear
It’s there to feed your fears and make them stronger
Well, anxiety
I say this
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I can’t breathe like a normal person
I can’t focus
I can’t sleep
All because you whisper to me
You feed my fears and my doubts
You exacerbate everything I’m feeling
I haven’t known peace in forever
I really miss knowing peace
I know she’s your enemy
But I want to be her friend
And I wish it was as simple as breaking up with anxiety
Believe me I would ghost it in a second
But since you’re appy here to stay
I beg you
Let me breathe in peace
I’ll call you when I need you
Please
Let me be okay

Fear and panic entangle my heart
A sharp intake of breath signals the start
Heart pounding and hands shaking
I promise I am not faking
My heart drops to my stomach in dread
Of one day when I will be dead

I’ve known anxiety my whole life
Is it me or is the world really scary?
My brain is rotting
My chest is tight
My stomach turns
Am I dying?
Oh, I’m going die one day
My lungs constrict
My heart pumps harder
A stone falls in my gut
Breathe, they say
I am breathing
And it’s not helping
Don’t think about it
I’ve tried
Don’t you think I’ve realized that it’s stupid to believe my head when my eyes say I’m fine?
The ice spreads through my veins
The adrenaline crash says exhaustion
But my brain says if 2:30 passes you’re safe
You’re out of the danger zone
The alarm bells become a hum rather than a blaring beep
It’s frustrating to fight yourself everyday
Because that is what anxiety is
Constant war with yourself
I’m fine
But what if I’m not?
It’s fine
What if it’s not?
The chicken is not going to give you food poisoning
What if it does?
That pain in your leg is not a blood clot
What if it is?
You’re not having a heart attack
Are you sure?
No, I’m not
Why?
Because I have anxiety

Hey so I wrote this poem and I feel like I need to share it. For some context and old friend of mine passed away after being hit by a drunk driver right after Christmas this year.... This is what it's been like grieving him.
.
.
.
.
Just when I thought it was over...
I saw one more memorial post.
Just when I thought I had moved on...
I found myself scrolling his social media again.
Just when I thought the grieving and silent sobs were done....
That's when I find myself right back at his casket clinching a tear stained tissue.
Just when I thought I forgot....
I see the wreck over and over again.
May his memory live on...
Rest in peace my friend.
Until we meet again. ❣️

#MightyPoets #Poem #Grief

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It hurts,
It fucking hurts.
It kills,
It always did.
Sad excuses left and right,
Ignorance is left to bite…
Me.
And Us.

“Systems and plurals are crazy,”
According to this planet.
“There’s only men and women,”
According to this planet.
“There’s only heterosexuality,”
According to this planet.
“Sex define your gender identity,”
According to this planet.
“There’s only monogamy and monoamory,”
According to this planet.
“White folk deserve more than those of color,”
According to this planet.
“There’s only romance and friendship,”
According to this planet.

“Everyone’s autism is a disorder or disability,”
According to this damn planet.
“Neurodivergent folks are too loud,”
According to this damn planet.
“Fat folks are a joke,”
According to this damn planet.
“Sex and romance and love is natural among all beings,”
According to this damn planet.
“Adults can’t cry,”
According to this damn planet.
“Mental health is selfish,”
According to this damn planet.
“Trigger warnings are a joke,”
According to this damn planet.
“You should stop being poor and pay more,”
According to this damn planet.
“Everyone should identify as a human being and alterbeings, otherkin, and fictionkin folks are snowflakes and ‘cringe-worthy’,”
According to this damn planet.
“Anything that is not seen as ‘normal’ or not common should be stigmatized and criticized until it makes other folk want to closet themselves for eternity and be forced into this void of hell called “being like everyone else’,”
According to this damn forsaken planet.

Past mother’s self,
Mentally abusive.
Keeps me up,
As thoughts are still intrusive.
New mother’s self,
No longer abusive,
Past mother keeps me up,
As they are still intrusive.

—

Fuck ignorance.
What’s it ever done to us?
Take the Mars and Venus symbol,
Combine them together,
And destroy it altogether.
Neither are truly me.
Take the “human” label and wash it away,
And don’t tell me I’m human,
Else I will cry,
I’ve cried too much.
Alterbeings exist anyway.
An alien hybrid trapped in this damn realm called Earth,
I love space,
I miss my home,
It was much more quieter than here,
Much more sensical than here,
Much more reasonable than here,
Much… less ignorant.

Than here.

——

I am a non-binary transmasc overweight individual who is part of a system/plural. My pronouns are he/they/it, and some others. I do not identify as a human, I am alterhuman/alterbeing, although I still identify as someone of color. I’m black/mixed. I have 6 non-romantic partners who I all love equally with my entire heart and are also part of the same system I’m a part of, they are as real as ever. Also, I despise my autism being called a disorder or disability.

And I’m so sick of feeling ignored, and of what Earth had to offer for the past 20 years of my life on its ground. Thank you.

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #nonbinary #LGBTQIA #ignorance #Poem #Vent #TW #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #Alterhuman #otherkin #Racism #Capitalism #Trauma #Polyamory #system #plural #EndTheStigma #GenderIdentity #GenderDysphoria #MentalHealth #Awareness #earth #Homesick #StopSilencingUs

Everyday the ledge gives a little
I sit near
Watch piece by piece fall
Fall into the flames that swallow them whole
Nothing but ashes remain
As the moon rises
The flames glow
Waiting for the sun to rise
For another piece to fall through

The ledge gets smaller
The flames get higher
The cliff cries
As the ledge grows smaller

The flames get bigger
They get brighter
The heat consuming the cold air
And soon the ledge dies
And the flames rise

I sit near
Watching it all play out
Heart aching
For i know its pain #Poem #MentalHealth #Depression

Once upon a starry night, the sky of stars shined so bright.
Lightyears of distance between each one, there are many abroad just like our sun.
Many gazed way up high, but some, the old, began to cry.
The beauty of the cosmos is beyond human description, gazing way up may be one’s prescription.

Creation in itself, born from our Creator. Born with infinite precision, unreplicable, loved by him.
From the fish of the sea to the birds of the sky.
Every microorgansim, every macroorgansim.
Biology, Chemistry, and Mathematics, all is connected without one atom left out. This connection is brought from the one up high.

Us humans take much for granted.
Overlooking the beauty and work is all we do.
Overlooking his grace and his mercy, our maker, our healer, our companion. Love is all he wants from us, for us to love him, others, and all.

The universe will not last forever, all will come to an end.
The book of life shall close and the end of the story will commence.
Until that day, I strive to love, I strive to forgive, I strive to take up my cross, respect all people, to deal with my condition gratefully and out of love.
Watch that sunset, climb that mountain, walk that beach, and spend time with those you love most.
Someday, you won’t be able to.

#CatholicChurch #Gratitude #FaithAndIllness #Faith #Jesus #god #Grief #MightyPoets #Poem #Poetry

I think about you way too much.
At this point your a nuisance in my head.
Not only do you cause damage,
But also inconvenience me.

Sometimes it’s the whole day.
Sometimes my mind doesn’t even give you thought.

I remind myself
This isn’t anything!
It shouldn’t be anything!

But yet, you exist!

You’ve pierced your talons in me
So deep,
there is no time limit on the healing process

A process that repeatedly gets disrupted
Only to be punctured
by the same talons
who tore me in the first place.

I’ve learned to patch myself up
wait for your return
and fight off the vultures who pass by
The ones that want to see me loose.
See me break
See me cry.

Maybe they think I owe them
Maybe they feel entitled
Maybe they’re just bored
Either way
there is no stopping their vicious cycle

They will remain the same
Because that is their choice
That is what they thrive off of

But see,

That’s also how you will remain
Because you thrive off of it
Because you enjoy to disrupt the calm
Because you enjoy playing the game

You are okay with revisiting
You pretend everything is fine
You act like it’s not a big deal
And I,

Well, I allow it
And continue to pull myself forward
as if none of it ever happened

Yet my scars plead otherwise.