Mania

I haven't been paying attention to my mental health recently and it has been slowly declining. Thank goodness I have been working on this for a long time and was able to catch this in time before it became mania.
I moved out of my toxic marriage in Feb of 2024. Went through a divorce as well which was finalized on July 31st 2024. Me ex decided to throw all my belongings in a corner of the living room. He even took down all the curtains. I have been avoiding going through all the stuff because I wasn't ready to handle the emotions. He finally gave me a month or he was throwing it all away. On Sunday I went there and started to go through my stuff. It was painful to see 26 years of memories thrown in boxes but to go through it and have to start throwing stuff away was even more difficult. I don't have any room for my stuff in my tiny apartment. My ex doesn't care. He says "It's not my problem" that's his famous line to me. I had to get up a few times, walk into my son's room to cry. I mean the holidays are painful as it is, but to make me go through this and he sits there and watches me was uncomfortable.
Thank goodness I have a great landlord that said I can put a few buckets of my stuff in his garage.
I go back this weekend to box up all my stuff and I'm just not ok about all this. I'm not ok with him sitting there watching me struggle and be in pain and he does nothing. It doesn't even phase him. That's unfortunately a narcissist for you. He thrives on control and power.
When I decided to leave after he choked me in front of my daughter I got myself into treatment for my addiction. I than attended a 12 step fellowship, Narcotics Anonymous. I made friends and got a support network. I attended domestic violence classes, and got a trauma therapist who specializes in addiction as well. I went back to school to get my peer advocate certification as well as a recovery addiction coach. I even got a part time job to save money. I did all this healing and growing so the day I said I was leaving I was ready and prepared. However, I guess I didn't realize all the emotions and feelings that comes with leaving.
Today, I am struggling, but that won't always be the case. Healing is a journey. It's messy. One day your good and the next your not. To be able to handle my bipolar and my addiction at the same time as I am healing is not easy. As long as I have this app to allow me to write and process my feelings, my friends, my therapist I will continue my journey.
Thanks everyone for listening. Much appreciated! 👍 #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #narcissist #AddictionRecovery #BipolarDisorder #MentalHealth #ToxicMarriage

I’m currently going into a Bipolar Depression phase where I’m sleeping an excessive amount of hours (12 hours at least per night). This is rendering me in a state of what can only be described as a sleep hangover’. I have no appetite through the day and I’m going two or three days without food then I’m gorging on an excessive pizza order. I’m looking pale and tired according to my friends who I have seen and I feel my clothes are a little bit baggier.

So on Tuesday I’m seeing my General Practitioner (GP), because my psychiatrist discharged me in to their care, to see if they will increase my Fluoxetine (antidepressant). It is the only one of the three medications I take for my bipolar they have control over controlling the dosage. My Lithium and Olanzapine have to be controlled still by the psychiatrist.

This appointment has rendered me extremely nervous and anxious. This is because I struggle to get my point across when I see a health professional. I have tried to write it down before for my appointment with my psychiatrist but I’ve always been too embarrassed to take it with me to show him or ask him. I’ve attached some photos of the sort of stuff I wrote, which took me a while with researching it and all, but I never had the confidence to actually show it to my psychiatrist.

So, I was just trying to get a stable perspective of what to say to the GP to give him the best possible opportunity to help me the best way possible. I’ve said this in my blogs before about how Bipolar attacks you from different directions every time you experience a mania phase or a depressive phase and this depressive phase I’m currently experiencing is a new one for me. It is a cruel beast that rears its ugly head from a variety of directions to constantly keep you on your toes.

Secondary to this, I recently had a blood test which showed that I had a raised level of Thyroid. Thyroid-stimulating hormone (TSH) is a hormone that the pituitary gland produces to regulate the thyroid gland's production of thyroid hormones. This majority of the time indicates an underactive thyroid (hypothyroidism). This can be an effect of taking Lithium. My GP rang me to tell me it was raised but only slightly. I said to him that I take Lithium and this was most probably the cause for it. He then asked me how I know that. When I told him I researched it myself he just went “mmm” in an unsure, unimpressed sort of way. He emphasised the fact that the health professionals really don’t like being told somethings that they really should know in the first place so that these sort of situations can be avoided.
#MentalHealth #Medication #Doctor #MightyTogether

Below is a link to a blog I wrote about my experience with an excessively long period of Mania that became annoying after a while 🤪

Living with Bipolar Disorder: Becoming a Hyperactive Maniac,...

#MightyTogether

When I am manic, I feel awesome. I think that I am a God. I also believe that I am beautiful. This sort of confidence can be a really attractive thing to people, especially the opposite sex in its early stages. Another symptom of mania is being overly seductive. I have been guilty of this but never have I been promiscuous while ill. But my seduction often turns into crazed harassment of the men I have targeted as my love interests. I’m including a selfie with this story that I took when I was high. And by high, I mean my mood was not only elevated by mania but I was also very much in love. With a cop. He nearly got a restraining order on me. I’ve always been passive-aggressive and with that confidence I spoke of comes the urgency to get what I want. As embarrassing as it is, I totally went for it but scared the guy off. My apologies, Eddie. And to all of my other potential boyfriends out there who experienced me at my worst.

Physically, my face while ill is beautiful in the sense that it’s animated and expressive. Especially with my smiles and my wide eyed enthusiasm. Those eyes of mine also have a far off look in them. I’m in my own little fantasy world. I’m wild and so is the look on my face. These days I don’t yearn for those incredible feelings that come with mania. Manic episodes never end well. My greatest fear is relapsing. Now I find myself having different goals for my face. To be a face for mental illness. A spokesperson of sorts or just an advocate. This is something that I have been working towards for as long as I have lived with bipolar disorder which is nearly 30 years. If I can do anything good with my life, it would be to encourage conversations to be opened up surrounding mental illness. I’d like to help remove the stigma that surrounds it. Mental illness is a very scary thing for everyone who has experienced it either personally or have been affected by those who live with it. It doesn’t have to be. I wish that I could bottle the bravery that comes with bipolar mania and share it with the world. If mania was an essential oil, courage would be the active ingredient. But I would have to leave out the part that gives me the audacity to stalk a police officer, lol. Maybe something really positive can come out of having a mental illness and for once in my life I won’t see mania as something that has ruined my life. But something that has enhanced it.

One of the things so bad about bipolar disorder is that if you don't have prior awareness, you don't have any idea what hit you. It is like sometimes I just need to be alone, so I can cry without being judged, so I can think without being interrupted, so I don't bring anyone else down with me.

Sometimes it takes an overwhelming breakdown to have an undeniable breakthrough. Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life.

Mania starts off fun, not sleeping for days, keeping company with your brain, which has become a wonderful computer, showing 20,000 different TV channels all about you. That goes horribly wrong after a while. I yearned to get better. I told myself I was getting better. In fact, the depression was still there, like a powerful undertow. Sometimes it grabbed me, yanked me under; other times, I swam free. The mania is like wasps under the skin, like my head's going to explode with ideas.

Depression is a painfully slow, crashing death. Mania is the other extreme, a wild roller coaster run off its tracks.

The mania is like wasps under the skin, like my head's going to explode with ideas.

It's having the motivation to change the world one moment, then not having the motivation to wash yourself the next.

I'm fine, but I'm bipolar. I'm on three medications for my bipolar (Olanzapine, Fluoxetine and Lithium) and then three other medications for bipolar related problems (Ramipril for blood pressure, Famotidine and Omeprazole for my stomach) and I take these medications twice a day (7am and 7pm). This constantly puts me in touch with the illness I have. I'm never quite allowed to be free of that for a day. It's like being a diabetic.

I'm good for a while. I'll talk more, laugh more, sleep and eat normally. But then something happens like a switch turns off somewhere, and all I'm left with is the darkness of my mind.

No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress You are still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying.
#MentalHealth #MentalIllness #MightyTogether

People say: ‘You don't seem like you need bipolar meds! ‘
Ooh really... That IS the meds

One of the things so bad about bipolar disorder is that if you don't have prior awareness, you don't have any idea what hit you.

And sometimes I just need to be alone, so I can cry without being judged, so I can think without being interrupted, so I don't bring anyone else down with me.

Mania starts off fun -not sleeping for days, keeping company with your brain, which has become a wonderful computer, showing 24 TV channels all about you. That goes horribly wrong after a while.
#MentalHealth #MightyTogether