depersonalisation

So it's been a week since I'm in this state, 24/7. Before going into this I had some anxiety attacks before going to bed. Then, one day I started feeling weird. That ireality feeling I've experienced in my childhood several times, but which went away in a few minutes. It was so horrible that that evening I had a meltdown and started crying uncontrollably and felt pure desperation because of I was scared of the way I felt, and because of all the problems I'm going through, like being very isolated, in a foreign country, with no friends, no job (for 2 years) and missing my family so so much.
Of course I started Google-ing it the second day when I still felt weird.
I don't even know how to explain it very well but I'll try... I'm fully aware of what I'm doing /saying I laugh at jokes, but even now as I'm writing... It's like I don't actually exist. But it's not at a conscious level, I KNOW i exist and what I'm saying and doing, but it's more like a feeling, like a blanket that's over my brain, and which doesn't let me connect my innerself with me, it's like I'm in the back of my head and can't grasp myself and reality as I know it.. I don't know how to put it... It's like I'm trying to reconnect but I just can't and it freaks me out so so bad! I know that I shouldn't overanalyse it, but I'm afraid that if I will stop doing it and let go, maybe I will dissappear, and eventually end up like a vegetable with no thoughts and personality.
The only break from this is when I wrote a long message to someone that said he is going though depression. And I got so involved into feeling sorry for that guy, and in my attempt to encourage him, that the weird sensation completely disappeared and I was able to feel normal.
But the next day, because I went back to my routine in feeling lonely I felt scared it will come back... So it did...and so, today, in this moment it's still like that... What is this?? Oh and I should mention that our financial situation is really bad, so I can't afford going to a doctor, which only ads to the stress.

I am lost in myself. I looked in my mirror last night and just said "who the hell are you?" I didn't know what I was looking at. I felt completely disconnected from my body, my mind and I didn't feel anything. I feel the same now. As I write this, I'm completely detached from feeling anything remotely human. At the same time, I'm feeling everything. And this is going to peak and I'll go into a frenzy and end up doing something stupid. I want this to stop. I am not me anymore. I am not "here."

I have to remind myself who I am I’m all over the place, I’ve been diagnosed depersonalisation but I feel there’s a lot more going on, can anyone relate
#depersonalisation

In my line of work, I’m often faced with stressful situations, often always patient related, and which decision will be the right one.

In an academic setting, I’m in a residency programme. I have exams in which I must face a number of examiners and have a conversation.

In my most recent set of exams, I recognised an aspect of my #Anxiety that I hadn’t registered before. With all these types of situations, I experience #depersonalisation

My diagnoses: #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder with #MajorDepressiveEpisodes

I’ve been in therapy for about 7 yrs.

I've been experiencing lengthening periods of dissociation which in itself is a relatively new symptom. In the beginning, it only lasted a day or two but with the incidences increasing,
I've started feeling and listening to music again (something my mental illness robbed me of) in a bid to try make myself feel something. It's worked on occasion but it can take lots of song sampling to find the one that will help me break through this time 😣
So I would be so grateful for any suggestions as to how to "come back" sooner.
#MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder

#Anxiety #Depression #MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #newsymptoms #depersonalisation #Trauma

Maybe there is a name,
Perhaps I should look it up,
Shakespeare probably coined something close,
Some earthly identification for this hell-ish emotion...
Some kind of bittersweet painful detachment,
It's name is not numbness... For certainly I can feel it.
An internal hurricane,
Everything displaced and ruined,
And yet you look upon a house, still standing...
Ignorant to the carnage behind the curtains,
Total devastation, desensitized and depersonalized...
Could that weight filling my stomach be my tears of anguish?
Because they aren't upon my face where I usually display them.
Simultaneously absent and present.
Mind, body and heart, deconstructed
And hastily glued back together, leaving few traces of their previous demolition.
Through the cracks my demons creep,
I've invested years getting to know them all on a first name basis.
Shame visits me daily, frustration and despair frequent my nights and anxiety is my inseparable companion.
They are old and used like dog eared books,
But this is brand new and unfamiliar,
Terrifying in its anonymity.
I sense something insidious,
If only it would declare itself...