destructive

I’ve been wallowing in self pity, I know deep down that all the problems I currently have are of my own doing and that I can still get out of them if I want but I’m doing nothing to change them, I enjoy this dangerous habit . I’m off sick from work as a nurse because I justified not doing the work properly as a mental health problem, well I said it was my fault and that I’m lying but I didn’t go in for shifts, I woke up knowing I could actually go in, did it a few times so my manager thinks I have stress and anxiety that is stopping me doing it. I know I don’t have one. I haven’t been part of the team, would be quiet and look anxious because I didn’t want to look silly or ask new things so I’ll never progress that way and I know that being off sick is only avoiding doing more and I’ll feel like I know even less when I go back. Whilst being off I’ve gone to the gym less and binge eaten, then an excuse is that if I’ve eaten so many calories what’s the point now of trying to burn them off, well obviously there is lol. Then I’ll complain I’ve put on weight like it’s not all my fault. I’m useless, completely useless. (Well I’m not, another excuse). I have the best friends and family that some people don’t have who actually have mental health problems which I know makes me an awful person as I’ve just complained and gained sympathy from them. I know I can do so much before it’s too late but I know I don’t want to- my life will only get worse and I’ll look at other people’s lives and wonder why I don’t have what they do. This might be a ridiculous question bc I’m actually a joke, can you get psychotherapy for self pitying? when in reality I have just got to stop being an arsehole on your own. As I’m currently on the waiting list for talking therapies #Selfpity #wallowinginselfpity #destructive

So I have vices that I use for deflection of feeling my feelings/emotions to a deep level. My therapist and I uncovered this. I had a good streak of really getting away from these for a months. I was also seeing somebody during that time. She wasn’t good for me, but it was nice to be in a relationship, even if not great and even if it lasted for only a few months. Since that relationship ended, I’m back on my vices pretty hard and can’t seem to make any improvements, even minor. Drinking, smoking weed, spending money, porn, sleeping late, caffeine, and plus more - all of it, I just can’t seem to cut back on. It felt so great to get off these things (for the most part) for a while but I’ve relapsed pretty hard. Not sure what I’m asking for, but just needed to vent a bit. Thanks

#Vent #destructive #self -sabotage

God, what the FUCK?!?

I like to draw, I think I’m pretty good at it. I totally get it’s a very subjective, but no matter how hard I try, or how great I think something is, all I ever get are fucking negative responses.

I would understand if it came in the form of criticism, and people elaborated on what they find so negative. But no, I simply get adjectives such as “creepy” or “ugly”, or ridiculous snide remarks and downvotes.

What pisses me off the most, is that these punk ass bitches would never say this to my face nor would they ever come close to my ability. How are people so ugly and destructive that they feel it’s ok to shit on someone’s work like a coward.

Normally it doesn’t phase me, but at the lack of hearing positive words, it builds and becomes more whether than I can bare at times.

Fuck toy for putting me down. You don’t know me, or how hard it’s been to just make it one more day.

I struggle with Mental Health daily, even on my meds I have momentary weakness, so what gives you the fucking right to be such a pussy ass bitch! Fuck YOU!
#venting #rant #Art #destructive #painful #Coulduseahug

I realize that unless I take initiative, I'm going to drive away everything I love. #today #selfcare #help #destructive #firstday