Vent

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I'm LGBTQ+. I'm transmasc non-binary. I'm otherkin (not human). I'm Black. I have autism (please don't call my autism a disorder/disability/syndrome) and anxiety, and someone with trauma. I cry very easily. I am overweight. I am a part of a plural/collective. I am non-romantically polyamorous. And every damn day, I feel like this world called society is just here to for the sole purpose to shit on others, betray others, or just to secretly judge others, including me.

Every day, it is getting much harder and harder to believe that there is a single damn individual out there (other than my current therapist, all of my partners, my dad, and a few friends) who has common sense, is open-hearted, is open-minded, and doesn't like to discriminate or invalidate others for being different or for experiencing different things, or labeling themselves differently. Sometimes, the anxiety gets to the point where it seems like going out is stupid for me. What's the point?

It's like almost every damn community I've been a part of (and left) and witnessed just LOVES to INVALIDATE OTHERS SOMEHOW?! It's so annoying and stupid and it's just like... why can't you just fucking accept someone for who they are??? All of this just makes me so fucking angry and just...!!

...Sigh. Now that that's off my chest... may I ask for advice on how to go about this? I already currently seeing a therapist, luckily. Right now, it is very very hard for me to get off this mindset because I believe it's true, sadly.. this society and all of other individuals' opinions is tearing me apart..

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MentalHealth #helpme #Vent #venting #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #anger #help #Society #Advice #triggerwarning #Neurodiversity #LGBTQIA #plural #otherkin

It’s been a rough six months since I found out I was pregnant.
I wrecked my favorite car in a snowstorm and it was unsalvageable was a gift from my dad before he untimely passed. Moved in with my significant other who doesn't want me to work during pregnancy (which I'm fine with) and quit my longtime job so I miss my friends and feeling like I'm good at something. Was told by my therapist she could no longer provide me services so I was off my meds for a couple of months until my ob-gyn gave me the clear to restart them. This was an unplanned pregnancy and I was not ready for the hormones to quite effectively turn my brain into an emotional mush. And I'm still dealing with the grief of the death of my best friend that happened a little over a year ago. During the first few months of pregnancy, I was a wreck my environment was new and I wasn't working and I was always always always exhausted and emotional. I was basically a couch potato and had absolutely no motivation for anything I isolated myself a bit and felt very scared and alone. Scared to be a mom really, I wasn't sure I was capable of it and it riddled me with anxiety. My depression got worse and it was hard for me to take care of myself. Simple things like washing my face, finding something to eat, and showering felt so incredibly taxing. Since restarting my meds I have gotten a lot better and a lot of my energy has returned but I still feel like I need lots of rest. I try to get outside a few times a week and that helps. I am starting to feel pretty good about myself and I'm trying to restart my self-care and begin light stretching and working out. However, there are certain individuals who don't seem to believe in me. They keep worrying about me hurting myself or the baby when I have never shown signs of that. Even in the bouts of my depression all I did was cry. I never spiraled so far into myself to cause such alarm and it's hurtful. But I know they are only projecting their own past traumas onto me I just wish they weren't coming from a place of fear all the time and saw how far I've come from being an emotional wreck. And it's also hurtful for them to constantly tell me how bad I'm “probably going to get” after the baby is born. I'm doing everything in my power to take control of my mental health and the people who truly know me see that and aren't worried at all and I do love their support. I just wish I was getting more encouragement than all this fearful negative talk from the others I'm close to. I'm not naive I'm aware having a baby is hard but I believe in myself to know when to ask for help and keep me and the baby safe. I'm doing my best to help out around the house more and try to cook for myself so I'm not a burden or called lazy. I'm trying to stretch more and be active. But as soon as I have a hard fatigue day or days it seems like all that work is thrown out the window and they're worried about me again. And it's hard for me to stay strong with all this lack of faith in me. But I am trying. I am trying so hard. They keep pressuring me to find a hobby or play video games when I just do not have the energy for it.
I am doing just fine with getting outdoors, spending time with my family, and having meditation. I am aware of what's good for my mental health right now. And I wish they would just respect that. It's exhausting being asked all the time to play video games when I've communicated I don't have the energy for it right now. And I don't appreciate the guilt trips about it. I haven't played video games for seven years and this really isn't the best time to start my mind is always tired and I constantly forget things. I'm still struggling with depression and honestly, that has a lot to do with my lack of motivation. And it's not fair for them to constantly overlook that because “why would I be depressed”? It's not fair for them to say “what reason do you have to be tired” when I explain my emotional exhaustion. It makes me feel like maybe I'm just being selfish and need to try harder. But for the sake of my mental health I need to rest when I am tired and relax when my anxiety starts going and I just wish someone understood and didn't make me feel so guilty for being pregnant.
Tonight these thoughts are weighing on me as Im trying to make a plan to do better I just wanna be a good mom.
I'm going to keep trying. Keep doing my best despite the lack of faith that often surrounds me. And that in itself is hard but it's not just about me anymore and that is the only thing motivating me right now.

Anyway thanks for listening to my rant.
Please send good vibes and may all of you be well and staying strong in your own silent battles.

Hey, everyone. I hope you're all okay... I just need to vent a little. I hope that's alright...

I'm feeling a bit disheartened today. In the last 18months I've been exercising a hell of a lot more and really watching what I eat and drink. I feel pretty good for it and I'm steadily losing weight.

Recently I'd noticed that my vision has been getting worse - more blurry and quite a few more 'floaters' in my eyes. This morning I went to have my eyes tested. As expected, there was a change to my prescription. My astigmatism has worsened so I need a larger prism in my lenses.

Anyway, after he finished doing that part of the test, he looked at the back of my eye and told me that I have Background Diabetic Eye Disease. I know it's the early stages but I still feel really disappointed in myself. 😞😔

#chronicillnesswarrior #ChronicPain #POTS #POTSUK #EDS #NAFLD #LiverDisease #Migraines #BPD #Depression #Anxiety #InterstitialCystitis #Diabetes #Vent #Advice

Have no idea why this is posting on my old account but here goes: I lost my medical assistance today which means I lost my therapist and psychiatrist. Since I use writing as a general coping mechanism, I'll probably be writing here a lot. I just need to rant and vent and get all these negative emotions out. I am so burnt out, stressed out and anxious beyond words. My mental health feels like it is spiraling and I'm just watching unable to do anything. Having to testify in court doesn't help either. I have to do that next Tuesday. That has been on my mind and negatively impacting me for a while now. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel directionless. I am tired and not just physically but emotionally and mentally too. I'll find myself crying for no reason or the #PTSD will get triggered by the smallest things. I have that from being subjected to years of abuse both sexually and emotionally. The feelings I felt while being abused come up often and I don't know how to cope. I feel like I am going backwards in my healing. I am scared and worried that without mental health help I will fall back into a deep depression and fall back into suicidal thoughts and self harm. I've worked very hard to stay away from that. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I really don't. Yet all the skills I learned in therapy seem to go out the window when I'm in or nearly in crisis mode. I know I should practice self care right now but I'm just overwhelmed. Too stressed, anxious, scared, angry, sad, tired, burnt out in general to even care. I just need help to process all of this and I don't know where else to turn. I don't want to mess up everything I've worked to achieve. Yet I drown in feelings of guilt, shame, self hatred and self blame. I know I shouldn't but I do. I just need reassurance and hope but even that seems like too much. I don't know how much more of this I can take honestly. I just don't.

#CheckInWithMe #needhelp

This morning I found out suddenly that I lost my medical assistance because of my higher income. I am shopping around for medical insurance but I’m too anxious to focus. This was the last thing I needed to hear today. I have to testify in court on Tuesday and that has me worked up enough. I feel so mentally and emotionally exhausted. I’ll cry for no reason sometimes. I’m so tired and not just physically. I can’t describe it. I don’t know what I’ll do until I find a new psychiatrist and new therapist. I kind of figured this would happen but I wasn’t expecting it today. I set up a therapy appointment for Wednesday which I might still be able to do I hope. If not, I’m afraid of what will happen. Therapy gave me a space to process my trauma. I don’t want to go back to life without medication. It was really bad. The medication is what helps me to manage most of my symptoms especially the Bipolar Disorder. I was in DBT therapy and that taught me a lot. I feel without these things that everything will fall apart again. I just need help and encouragement right now. I don’t mean to vent but this has been consuming me and I feel if I don’t talk about it I will start having self destructive thoughts again. I know there are crisis numbers I can call but I’m trying hard to avoid that. I’m trying to stick to a routine and stay positive about things but right now that seems nearly impossible. I appreciate any comments. I just feel so burnt out right now. Well that’s all for now. If you made it this far, thanks.

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #SexualAssault #EmotionalAbuse #Anxiety #MentalHealth #needhelp #WritingThroughIt #CheckInWithMe #ChildhoodAbuse #Vent

I know this isn't really a site for trauma dumping but I need to vent. My therapy sessions have been shortened and there is a chance that I may lose my therapist. This is creating anxiety that I don't need. My therapist told me that we will continue sessions until I hear of news of any changes. Therapy has helped tremendously as it gives me a safe and non judgmental space to talk about the trauma and abuse I survived and its aftereffects. Given that I therapy is one of the few things that makes me feel safe and validated, I don't want to lose it. Perhaps I'm too reliant on state paid therapy but it has been a life saver, literally. I am also on a plethora of medications to manage my mental health and the idea of losing that is frightening because I remember life before I was medicated, it wasn't good.

I know I should look at this as an opportunity to use my coping skills and to try to find new services but I'm not sure if I can afford it. I detest the fact that I was abused because it never should have happened. I know this isn't polite to say but the people that have hurt me can forget all about me. I've forgotten about them. The aftereffects of the trauma stretch far beyond mental illness. It has effected every area of my life and while I am working towards healing, I hate how it even happened to begin with. That I have to live with the effects of other people's choices.

I know life isn't fair but sometimes it really irks me. I try to be positive and productive but sometimes it doesn't work. I'm not trying to be pessimistic but sometimes it really gets me down that I went through what I did. I hate how the smallest thing can send me into an emotional spiral or a crying spell. I just want to live life without the confines of my past. Like they say, you can't change the past. It's this that bothers me. There are so many things that I wish were different but the reality is, they aren't. Reality acceptance is something I struggle with. I feel like I have come so far in my healing journey but sometimes I feel like I'm going backwards.

I just want to go on with my life without this crippling emotional and mental anguish. I suppose that's just what I have to do. I am grateful for so much but sometimes being grateful can't outweigh the pain I endure. I get really down sometimes and kinda angry because I there isn't much I can do about what I survived. I know I shouldn't live in the past and should enjoy the present but sometimes my past looms over me and I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know what to do sometimes.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I appreciate it. This site and community have been a blessing. And I appreciate all of you. We are all warriors here. Stay safe and blessed.

-Anastasia

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #rant #help #Therapy

Just ranting about what just happened so feel free to ignore me.

Yesterday we had a family only birthday party for my 12yrs cousin which of course drained my social battery which haven't properly recovered today, not including that I didn't stop since I woke up having to eat breakfast, do an 1 hour walk then go straight to cleaning as chores.
I woke up at 7am and could only pause now at 10am, yet when I asked my grandmother "do you need my help with my brother or can I go shower and rest ?" She went all "you don't need to rest ! Rest from what ?"

I know for her what I did wasn't much but for me it is, I have agoraphobia and social anxiety so staying on groups on itself is draining to me even being family. Currently I am on group therapy and other treatments so I can handle those better but I still can't even speak at the group therapy yet, only a few words at best.

I have been in several treatments for years by now, I made a HUGE progress through all that time which I'm proud of doing. Although there is still much that I cannot do, and some that even when I can do, I need a lot of rest afterwards.

#Ranting #Vent

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It hurts,
It fucking hurts.
It kills,
It always did.
Sad excuses left and right,
Ignorance is left to bite…
Me.
And Us.

“Systems and plurals are crazy,”
According to this planet.
“There’s only men and women,”
According to this planet.
“There’s only heterosexuality,”
According to this planet.
“Sex define your gender identity,”
According to this planet.
“There’s only monogamy and monoamory,”
According to this planet.
“White folk deserve more than those of color,”
According to this planet.
“There’s only romance and friendship,”
According to this planet.

“Everyone’s autism is a disorder or disability,”
According to this damn planet.
“Neurodivergent folks are too loud,”
According to this damn planet.
“Fat folks are a joke,”
According to this damn planet.
“Sex and romance and love is natural among all beings,”
According to this damn planet.
“Adults can’t cry,”
According to this damn planet.
“Mental health is selfish,”
According to this damn planet.
“Trigger warnings are a joke,”
According to this damn planet.
“You should stop being poor and pay more,”
According to this damn planet.
“Everyone should identify as a human being and alterbeings, otherkin, and fictionkin folks are snowflakes and ‘cringe-worthy’,”
According to this damn planet.
“Anything that is not seen as ‘normal’ or not common should be stigmatized and criticized until it makes other folk want to closet themselves for eternity and be forced into this void of hell called “being like everyone else’,”
According to this damn forsaken planet.

Past mother’s self,
Mentally abusive.
Keeps me up,
As thoughts are still intrusive.
New mother’s self,
No longer abusive,
Past mother keeps me up,
As they are still intrusive.

—

Fuck ignorance.
What’s it ever done to us?
Take the Mars and Venus symbol,
Combine them together,
And destroy it altogether.
Neither are truly me.
Take the “human” label and wash it away,
And don’t tell me I’m human,
Else I will cry,
I’ve cried too much.
Alterbeings exist anyway.
An alien hybrid trapped in this damn realm called Earth,
I love space,
I miss my home,
It was much more quieter than here,
Much more sensical than here,
Much more reasonable than here,
Much… less ignorant.

Than here.

——

I am a non-binary transmasc overweight individual who is part of a system/plural. My pronouns are he/they/it, and some others. I do not identify as a human, I am alterhuman/alterbeing, although I still identify as someone of color. I’m black/mixed. I have 6 non-romantic partners who I all love equally with my entire heart and are also part of the same system I’m a part of, they are as real as ever. Also, I despise my autism being called a disorder or disability.

And I’m so sick of feeling ignored, and of what Earth had to offer for the past 20 years of my life on its ground. Thank you.

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #nonbinary #LGBTQIA #ignorance #Poem #Vent #TW #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #Alterhuman #otherkin #Racism #Capitalism #Trauma #Polyamory #system #plural #EndTheStigma #GenderIdentity #GenderDysphoria #MentalHealth #Awareness #earth #Homesick #StopSilencingUs

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I'm so mad. The vent I made didn't get uploaded. I've spent so much time writing it, I can't believe
it didn't upload. It pains me to have to write all of this again.

Firstly, I was sad about another vent post
because it didn't get any reactions. So I deleted
it. It's funny how I say to myself that I don't care
if I don't get any reactions, yet get said when it
actually doesn't get any. I'm sorry for feeling this
way.

Now onto school trauma. I'm 20 and I don't think
that I'll ever finish high school. Not even through
online. I dropped out junior year. They don't
even give a crap about mental health, anyway.
Plus, I'm non-binary, not a girl or boy, and not
many schools, let alone online schools, even have gender neutral options or are even truly that inclusive towards everyone. It's annoying!

I've cried way too many times. I've gotten
suicidal way too many times as well. Especially in
high school. Everytime the teacher gotten upset
with the class or whenever I've gotten unfair
demerits, I wanted out. Those "zero excuses", "watch your character", and those picture comparisons boards of "be sad and dwell on it or
be happy and do something about it" felt mocking to me and felt like I was in prison. There
was absolutely nothing I could do about it except taking off days, not to mention that I was only allowed to take up to 22 to not FAIL. Not to
mention that trying to get the best grades and
being recognized was a trap fallen by myself as
well.

I've gotten a 3-hour detention once for forgetting my gym shows. Gym Shoes! And
everytime I didn't finish my homework (because
of being depressed and having no motivation to
do anything from school), it was 45 minutes
after school just to finish homework, and a 45
minute bus drive home. And yes, I was suicidal
those times, too.

I was on the 504 program this whole time (I have
autism and anxiety), and I received two unfair
demerits for being late returning back to class
because SOME FOLKS used my stuff without my
fucking permission and I was trying to find them.
My "counselor" said to me "you know it's rude to
not talk when someone's talking to you?" I was
already crying in one of the bathroom stalls. I
have fucking social anxiety and autism!! She
knew that!!! Don't. Ever. Force. Me. To. Talk!

Gym class was the absolute worst. So bad that I
was allowed to no longer go there. So bad that I
brokedown when I heard that I had to go down
there for studying for a PE test. Then
I was taken off for the rest of the day and the
next day. However... that one substitute teacher
that the school even had the fucking audacity to
hire again was the worst. He was power-hungry
and everytime one of us doesn't follow a rule or
gets upset with him, he makes all of us do
exercises or would add minutes to an excercise.
You had no idea how much that made me boil.

Not to mention that because I failed one of the
three tests in PE (running a whole mile) in
freshmen year, I had to go to a horrid bootcamp
for 5 days. Fours days with that same horrible
substitute teacher that 1, and I'm pretty sure
every other student there, absolutely despised. He even threatened us to go through some
exercises for not knowing some answers to
movie questions!! Who does that?!?!

My parents were not happy about anything my
high school had to offer, either, especially the
bootcamp. And I got a freaking A in PE but I
guess the tests were more important 😑. Middle
school was shit, too, though pretty less strict. It
was mainly the classmates acting up and the
teacher raising their voice for me. And some
bullies.

I really want to warn everyone about these
schools. I do not recommend these schools at all,
especially if you're neurodivergent. These
schools caused me so much stress and trauma
that I don't even want to finish it. Not even online. And I'm 20 now. I was literally crying
earlier writing this because of the pain that it
has caused me over the years.

#HighSchool #School #Anxiety #Autism #SocialAnxiety #generalizedanxiety #Trauma #SchoolTrauma #anger #sad #SchoolPleaseListenToThis #MentalHealth #venting #Vent