I finally vented to someone about what I’ve been through. Turns out we have stuff in common. A sibling or we ourselves were late talkers, we both know some level of ASL, we both have been or are going through some form of hell, and (judging based on the fact that her other friend I know trusts her) I feel I can trust her. Due to said hell I am going through, I don’t trust people right away. So it really takes a lot of guts for me to trust people I meet. She sounded like she needed someone to listen, and I needed someone to listen. I showed her a song I wrote about the hell. I know I am not being too specific about the hell I’ve been through, but every time I posted something before like this on any other website, I have gotten messages days later from perverts and bad people in general. I have no where else to share and I can’t talk verbally about it because I’m too scared. Boys teased and bullied me, so I’m scared to trust boys because they’ve taught me by experience that all they will do is just be jerks and make you feel awful. I am sorry I wasted your time with this rant. Not like anyone would except this person I mentioned would understand any signing I do when I’m too upset to speak. Also, I am tired of having to keep my anger to myself and curse everyone out in ASL in private so that they don’t realize how tired, irritated, sad, and frustrated I am by my situation. I wish I could trust easier. I wish people were not jerks who scar people for life. But aye! I have no professional to talk to and no one in my family who would understand what I say about it so I have to pretend that I’m fine even though I am dying inside. It hurts inside so badly and it is so saddening. I wish I could fix myself. I feel broken, but I don’t know how to fix me. I wish I could stop feeling like shit, like it is somehow wrong to need fidgets. I hate it all. Why did they have to do what they did? Why did anybody do what they did to make me broken inside and need therapy. I know that help is coming soon, but it feels like it’s taking forever. But what do I know? I feel like I don’t matter and it hurts even more. I wish I could just forget everything that was done and said to me. It hurts inside. And, btw, fuck off you shitty perverts who screwed me up online in the first place. Fuck off and rot in goddamn hell like the ass wholes you bitches really are. Don’t make me quit another thing. I hope I explained it sufficiently enough, as I don’t have any other words to explain all of it. #ADHD #PTSD #Vent #Trauma