Vent

Last post for context: What do I do…?? | TW mentions of stress dreams and one swear

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I’ve moved out of where I used to live with my mom and one of my older sisters (has 3 kids now) 2 years ago. I think because it’s summer break for my 2 older nephews, I’m now getting a lot more stress dreams related to my mom and my older sister (my mom was the persecutor of emotional abuse, and I never liked my sister since she’s similar and agrees with her often).

I dropped out of high school after sophomore year many years ago because of being constantly overstimulated and high levels of stress and meltdowns I’ve had over there (especially when constantly trying to get the best grades in a very unnecessarily strict school, horrible place for autistic individuals like me!!). After that, I’ve noticed that more stressful dreams came up after that and it was almost everyday that I’ve gotten them at that point. Now, for that theme, it isn’t too much, usually 1to 3 times a week.

Now, I’m getting these stress dreams related to my mom and older sister constantly ever since late June. Before then, it was a mix of dreams of school and mom and sister for 1 to 3 times a week. Even when I’ve had great days, nothing has changed, not even yesterday. If I’m right, these dreams may last until late August when my 2 older nephews go back to school again. I really fucking hope not, I can only carry so much. I really don’t want them to fucking last for that long, I hate getting them and I don’t want to fucking deal with them anymore. I’m sick of it. How the fuck as I supposed to look forward to sleep now?!

I worry that if this continues for longer, I’m going to start feeling suicidal again. I can already feel that happening as I’m already fucking sick of these dreams every fucking day (there had been like 2 or 3 days where I didn’t had them, not consecutively, either). Why do I even have to fucking deal with this? Why did my early life had to be like this?!

#OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #Trauma #StressDreams #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Vent #triggerwarning #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Autistic

I'm running on empty right now, I've done 2 loads of laundry, about to do a 3rd and I still have to shower... I just know tomorrow is gonna be rough because it's the first day back from Christmas break and school and I'm just exhausted and still have so much to do... I am not ready to have to deal with people and school, and a new teacher no less... and I have to go to a basketball game tomorrow because I'm in the band... I'm not ready and I know I'm gonna overdo it but I don't really got a choice...

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Triggers are real, and they are serious. Being “triggered” actually means that you’re having a very high level of stress, which can cause negative experiences like flashbacks, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, etc.

As someone who has many triggers, I’m so fucking sick and tired of running into YouTubers and many other individuals doing the “triggered” meme, it’s not funny, it shouldn’t even be a damn meme, it’s annoying and very misleading!! /vsrs /neg

If you can spread the word about this, that would be great, because I am so done with this BS.

#Vent #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #trigger #triggers #misrepresentation #AutismSpectrum

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Honestly, what the FUCK! I CAN’T FUCKING WORK! What is it that they can’t seem to understand?! My anxiety is a disability, damn it!!!

It’s been 3 FUCKING TIMES ALREADY, 2 FUCKING APPEALS, and I POORED ALL OF MY FUCKING HEART OUT ABOUT WHY I CANNOT FUCKING WORK, THE EMOTIONAL TRAUMA, THE EPISODES OF DEPRESSION, THE FUCKING HYGIENE ISSUES, MY SEVERE SOCIAL GENDER DYSPHORIA AS A NON-BINARY INDIVIDUAL AND AVOIDING MOST SOCIAL SITUATIONS OUT OF THE PURE FEAR OF BEING MISGENDERED, HATE BEING UNDER PRESSURE, HAVING MANY TRIGGERS! I was receiving payment for 3 fucking months, and NOW they’ve decided that my FUCKING STRUGGLES AREN’T ENOUGH?!?!

Honestly fuck everything. I feel like I’ll just never be truly seen by this US government. I’ve only just wasted my fucking time with them, and so really don’t feel like HAVING TO EXPLAIN TO THEM FOR THE 50TH TIME THAT I’M NOT MY BIRTH GENDER AND I AM NOT A BINARY GENDER!

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #MYANXIETYISADISABILITY #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #FeelingIgnored #thissucks #Trauma #angry #disappointment #LGBTQ #Loneliness #sad #Vent #venting

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I’m otherkin. I do not identify as a human spiritually. Yes, this is real. Being otherkin is not a pessimistic or degrading identity. It is real, and it is often involuntary. I can’t control how I feel, and I’m okay with that because there’s nothing wrong with it. No, it is not “cringe”, screw cringe culture.

I hate being called human. I hate emotions exclusively being called “human”. I hate being associated with “human”. I hate the idea that emotions exclusively make us “human” because I don’t identify as a human being, and not everyone in a “human”-like body identifies as a human being. It’s act very stressful and invalidating whenever I run into these common ideas and phrases.

It’s why I can’t really read most things mental health-wise. I wish, but I get very dysphoric being called a human 10 times in one article. I understand it may be mostly scientific, but still. I do understand that most of the population is human-identifying, but so are those who are straight, who are cisgender, who are in the gender binary (male or female), and who are monogamous, and groups outside of them often get ignored in articles, too, and I’m outside of those groups as well! It’s so tiring… After (still) grieving over what I wrote in the last post, I don’t need to be called a human constantly.

I apologize if any of this sounds rude. I do not mean so in the slightest. I just wish that us otherkin individuals would be more recognized in society, and the dysphoria sucks…

#rant #otherkin #Vent #MentalHealth #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #stressed #ThisHasBeenNotAGoodDay

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Please bare in mind that this is a very sensitive topic for me to talk about, and is actually very triggering to me as well.

But I find rapists unforgivable (unless they deeply and genuinely regret it) to where intrusive thoughts (thoughts that I don’t believe in or else I’d be way too harsh) come up. I have never faced physical sexual assault, but it makes me super mad whenever I hear that someone has been raped and that whoever raped them hasn’t even been caught. It’s fucking disgusting!!! 🤬

I just heard this morning that one of my friends’ partner (non-binary) was raped two months ago, likely not even 18 yet.

Rapists should not walk free. They need serious help (no, I actually mean that, like please seek counseling), they need to be put away (no, I don’t just mean jail) until they know how to fucking act right. Fuck rapists!!! Is there anyway I can help to get more of their asses in jail (or just get them caught because I know jails can be discriminatory, unfortunately)??

Edit: And how am I supposed to feel any better from that? I can’t think of a single thing that will make me feel better now…

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MentalHealth #Anxiety #SexualAssault #sa #Rape #Vent #EndSexualAssault #EndRape

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As an artist, I’m so fucking sick of so many fucking companies using AI art generators that steal from others’ work without even any permission from artists. Ever since 2023, it feels that everything on the web’s AI this and AI that. My used-to-be-favorite websites started adding AI generators and became greedy and now I hate them more than ever. All of this talk of AI art is pissing me off. It’s actually pretty triggering to even bring up about this because it’s just so immoral, and seeing big companies like Microsoft and Google going even more south is just… 😡

It’s not just human artists struggling. Otherkin (those who don’t fully identify as human non-physically for various reasons (yes, it’s a real and good-faith identity)) artists exist, too such, as I. So I always tend to get very uncomfortable being called a human throughout all of this.

Is our government even doing shit about this??? This is extremely unfair that so many individuals would now rather shit on artists and use and AI art generators than requesting or do commissions to artists. Yes, I know some commissions are expensive (some too expensive, in my opinion), but some do art as a job and that should be respected!

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #NoToAIArt #MentalHealth #ActualArtist #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #artist #anger #fedup #Vent #otherkin #Art #StopThis

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Look. I completely understand that individuals out there need to make money. Especially after that year and event that shall not be named (it’s actually very uncomfortable when the names of worldwide events in 2020 are brought up), but this crap has gotten too far and bigger businesses are taking this for their greedy advantages. And I’m starting to feel like this is just an American thing here.

In my city, no matter where you look, there’s ads. Everywhere. We already had ads on buses, but now ontop of that, we have ads on a whole side of buses. I have to look down like 5 more times than usual just to avoid things that could possibly be triggering.

Google, an already billion dollar company, makes it a big problem for adblockers to work permanently, which is a problem for me because the exact reason I have an ad blocker is mainly to avoid ads that could possibly be triggering and uncomfortable to me, especially when I already deal with anxiety and other specified trauma disorder. And I hear that they’re about to make it even MORE harder, too this year (then again, they said that about last year)…

Some of my favorite websites are now declining their own reputations. One used to have one or two ads that lets you use its content for free, but now there’s literally 6 ADS everytime I go to an character maker page!! It is WAY too distracting to even focus on who I’m making…

Oh, and let’s not forget about inflation rates here being stupidly high. A bottle for allergies, for example. They have different tablet amounts for different prices. My mother bought me the largest amount of pills (100) and said that they used to be a lot cheaper, but now they’re $50. $50??? I couldn’t believe it until I looked on Amazon. $50 for allergy pills??? I get that it’s the highest amount, but 1) none of the other pills are close to that amount, and 2) it’s still a small bottle.. just with a larger amount. I could go on and on about so many other things being affected by how cheaper things used to be…
(Edit: They are now $38 as of March 22, 2024, but what a crazy price to boost up to for a temporary time.. and their list price is literally $49.99)

To those who argue that they just need the money, I get that. It’s not always easy especially if you’re running a smaller business or going solo, this rant is really towards the bigger companies. And to those who are mad at me for using an adblocker, please don’t be mad at me, as I mentioned before, some ads are very triggering for me to see. I will say that if you’re able to handle the ads, then please do go without an adblocker to help support those who need it.

But this has gotten too far. It’s like this American society and the internet is being brainwashed by this whole thing of money. “See this ad, pay this for that, oh guess what this item has a higher price now and you have to pay for it!!” Many big companies and websites are showing their true colors and are becoming more and more greedy as I speak, which is pretty sad. Smaller businesses are struggling because of this. This society has forgotten about the poor and making it much easier for folks/folx to get in poverty, especially for those who are non-white and LGBTQ+ (like me)! I thought we were supposed to be solving these issues, NOT ENCOURAGING THEM!

I want to start a protest. Or at least encourage one, because I don’t think this is right. This shouldn’t be happening as much as it is right now. It’s TOO much. But with anxiety, autism, and a trauma disorder, I’m not a fan of going outside to bring up the message, and social accounts I’ve stopped due to witnessing lots of cyberbullying and just drama nonsense, so I’d rather avoid posting on those sites, either. Is there any other way for me to spread this message, maybe similar to Change.org?

#inflation #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Trauma #Poverty #rant #Vent #Allergies #TooFar #SocietyIsBecomingTooGreedy #MoneyInflation #AmericanProblems #Protest #ThisIsNotRight #Capitalism #money

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What’s the point of being here?
This world just hates anybody who is different. Why am I here? I don’t want to be here… I want my old home. This planet was never my home. I don’t want this home. It just hates anybody who is different. This “home” was meant to put me and others in misery. This “home” was meant to make us feel ignored. I didn’t deserve this shit. There’s absolutely no community in this world that I feel completely safe in anymore, including the LGBTQIA+ community with all of the constant bullshit gatekeeping and invalidation. I’ve given up on any form of social media a year ago (I guess except here) - it’s just always filled with drama.

I don’t want to be born here. Not in this sad place. I hate it here. Why was I born here?!?!

I’m trans nonbinary, I’m black, I’m overweighted, I’m non-romantically polyamorous, I’m nonhuman (aka I hate being called human, not in a pessimist way, just self-identification for personal reasons), I’m on both aromantic and asexual spectrums. I have plenty of triggers thanks to trauma and honestly how stupidly problematic some individuals can be. And I do not want to be on this stupid planet any longer. Sometimes I wonder if being dead would be worth it, honestly, if it would solve my problems. I’m trying to keep going, but I just cannot fucking stand this world. It feels so fucking hopeless at this point: I swear, one more cyber-bullying raid online, one more transphobic political bill, one more misusing autistic as “weird” or “quirky”, one more misuse of the word “triggered”….

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MentalHealth #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #SocialAnxiety #LGBTQ #Exclusionism #Vent #Trauma #triggerwarning #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #hopeless