dreadful

My birthday is this week! And for the first time I’m dreading it! I’ve always loved my bday and looked fwd to planning something and buying new outfits to wear. But this year I just don’t want to acknowledge the day! This past year I have overcame an addiction started therapy and started putting my healing first. You would think I would want to celebrate all those things but I just don’t. While it’s wonderful all I’ve changed in my life, all I feel is grief sadness and loneliness. I no longer feel anything as I use to and I know I’m strong to everyone who watches but I feel weak! So I just want to skip my bday this year! I don’t want that reminder of the day my soul was forced to be born! Living with mental health issues since birth (yes some ppl are born this way) I’m now drained! So now that I’m WOKE, bc I’m not masking my feelings with a drug! I see that all my life I hated being me and that’s hard enough! All the bday wishes from ppl I wish I wasn’t related to won’t make me happy!
It’s the birthday blues I’ve never had!
#Life

The only thing I have been terrified of my whole life, is being alone. Here I am 43 yrs old, no life, unsure how to rebuild my life, (I don't really want to🤔), & all alone. 'Scared' doesn't even begin to describe this feeling. It's agony! 😟😞 #fridaynightthinking #overthinking #Foreveralone #BipolarDisorder #PTSD #Recovery #VonWillebrandDisease #Fear #dreadful #Shame #Guilt #Lovelost