E

I'm so tired I'm tired of fighting I feel like I'm hitting, pushing a 🧱 brick wall. It never moves. All my effort wasted and all I have to show for it are bruises and more pain Doesn't matter what I do I can't take it. Desperately trying to survive it's exhausting 😅 sometimes I'm not sure why I'm trying so hard for empty results. 😳😬🤯😱. # Chronic illness #E

I have my first official therapy session on Friday. It's going to be long term, not on the NHS, finally the help that is parmount to the rest of my life. I'm so lucky to be able to scrape by, but get the help I need at the age of 25.

A bit of background:

I dont know a huge amount from my #Childhood , apart from i was #abused (#neglect ) until about the age of 5 when I was #adopted . Even then I was showing signs of #Anxiety .....I wouldn't go with my perspective adoptive #Parents when they'd pick me up for a fun day out, to get to know them. I remember hiding under my foster home's dining table and refused to show my fac#E , frozen in fear at these strangers. I'm now missing from the photographs of those trips out, they were displayed on the wall of my adoptive parent's house for at least 10 years. The photographs show my younger biological brother and sister at the park with my adoptive parents, feeding the ducks like a familya, but I'm missing from them.

I don't think I formed any sort of bond with my biological parents, not anything positive anyway. And I can't remember my life before adoption. I believe there are crucial years to form an attachment to a child before it's too late, I'm no professional but I was adopted at 5 and never formed a bond with my new parents. I spoke to my thearpist last week (during my assessment) and she asked "were you close the your siblings growing up?". She asked this because I told her I didn't grow close to my parents. Even now, although I see the love my adoptive mother has over Facebook, our relationship feels artificial. "No, I actually felt like there was a great barrier between us" I admitted. "What about another family member, were you close to anyone else?", she enquired. "Hmmm, no" I stated. She explained to me that I was a very lonely child and young adult, a statement which shocked but resonated with me.

My adoptive mother was never really loving, we never shared a hug, a thought, a deep conversation, typical teenage advice and she never told me she loved me. Actually sometimes her words were quite cruel. When I was ill with my asthma she'd pretend she'd care infront of the doctor, but in private it seemed the opposite.

Then my adoptive father, he had the shortest fuse I'd ever known. The smallest of incoveneives would cause him to erupt and he would beat me until he calmed down. He was a monster, nothing could stop him. He'd kick, punch, bite and claw until he'd calm down. He'd even hit me with a plate and a stick once. My brother also bore the brunt of his anger. This went on until I left home at 18. I've returned to my 'home' 3 times in 7 years. I think my adoptive parents get offnede and try to convince me to return, they think that I'm a snob and too good for my North Eastern, working class routes. In actuality, I'm so scarred and damaged from those 18 years. But they don't see it. 18 years of abuse and sheer lonliness has escaped there undersranding.

In scared that therapy is too late.

I had a #Anxiety attack this morning on medication but it snuck up on me...I went in a stare when watching tv,then all of a sudden went all hot and my head felt like a sensationa of off balance in head that makes you feel like you're going to pass out.. does anyone else feel the same or different with #E #Anxiety

For the past several years, I have been having focal seizures. It's as if my eyeballs are dancing around in their sockets but they really aren't. Sometimes sunlight triggers them, other times a #panic attack will bring one one. Timing varies from a couple minutes up to 10 minutes. When they happen, I feel a sense of pressure in my face , eye sockets and into the temple area. Sometimes I become lightheaded and feel like I'm going to pass out, and my hands will get shaky. I've got so many health issues that I don't know what to blame them on. I don't know if they're a side effect of medications( although I doubt it bc of the length of time I've had them and med changes over the years), or if they're a product of my #Fibro , #panic attacks, #E.D.S., or if they're just another physical issue.
I'm wondering if anyone else has Focal seizures and if you know what to blame them on.
Thanks!

I've been doing my research and I think that gluten and dairy look like the most likely culprits of what could be making my GI so unhappy. Has anyone else seen any benefits from cutting them both out completely?