I know cutting more ties with my mom is the right thing to do, but it still hurts
CWs: extreme food restriction
I had a trauma-related nightmare about my mom last night. I was going to see her today, but I just couldn’t do it. The nightmare was like reliving some of the worst things she’s done to me, and it really rattled me. I’ve been trying not to go into panic mode. I’ve been feeling very depressed as a result. I have complex PTSD from how she treated me as a child and as recently as me being an adult. I wish I could have a relationship with her, but she refuses to get help for her behavior or acknowledge her mistakes. To her, it’s everyone else’s fault but hers, and she isn’t afraid to put the weight of the blame on innocent children. Her being so controlling to the extreme of my underage siblings (for a while she was even banning foods like rice and grapes (she said they had too many carbs and sugars. I was always hungry growing up) is also very triggering to me. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but it’s only resulted in me getting more hurt. I’m not ready to open up about all the horrors she’s unleashed on me and my siblings, past and present. Sometimes it feels like I’m still stuck in it because I care about them so much. But that’s a stressor for another time. ☹️
I’ve been slowly but surely cutting back the time I spend around her. I know it’s the right thing to do, but it still hurts. Everytime she does something to hurt me or my siblings it’s harder for me to be around her. It’s getting to the point where I almost can’t be around her at all.
I’m just feeling down and alone right now and thought may as well come here to say something. I miss her. It’s hard to cut ties, I’ve really resisted it, I’ve worked hard so that I might still be able to see her on a regular basis. But my body remembers the things she’s done to me past and present and it’s making it almost impossible for me to have a relationship with her without being triggered or having a panic attack. I’ll get to her house and be racked with panic to the point of not being able to go inside. I want to see my siblings so badly, but seeing her makes it harder for me to be okay even on the days when I don’t see her. This is just a tough situation for me, and I’d appreciate any kind of support right now. ❤️ #CPTSD #ComplexPTSD #PTSD #Abuse #panic