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I know cutting more ties with my mom is the right thing to do, but it still hurts

CWs: extreme food restriction

I had a trauma-related nightmare about my mom last night. I was going to see her today, but I just couldn’t do it. The nightmare was like reliving some of the worst things she’s done to me, and it really rattled me. I’ve been trying not to go into panic mode. I’ve been feeling very depressed as a result. I have complex PTSD from how she treated me as a child and as recently as me being an adult. I wish I could have a relationship with her, but she refuses to get help for her behavior or acknowledge her mistakes. To her, it’s everyone else’s fault but hers, and she isn’t afraid to put the weight of the blame on innocent children. Her being so controlling to the extreme of my underage siblings (for a while she was even banning foods like rice and grapes (she said they had too many carbs and sugars. I was always hungry growing up) is also very triggering to me. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but it’s only resulted in me getting more hurt. I’m not ready to open up about all the horrors she’s unleashed on me and my siblings, past and present. Sometimes it feels like I’m still stuck in it because I care about them so much. But that’s a stressor for another time. ☹️

I’ve been slowly but surely cutting back the time I spend around her. I know it’s the right thing to do, but it still hurts. Everytime she does something to hurt me or my siblings it’s harder for me to be around her. It’s getting to the point where I almost can’t be around her at all.
I’m just feeling down and alone right now and thought may as well come here to say something. I miss her. It’s hard to cut ties, I’ve really resisted it, I’ve worked hard so that I might still be able to see her on a regular basis. But my body remembers the things she’s done to me past and present and it’s making it almost impossible for me to have a relationship with her without being triggered or having a panic attack. I’ll get to her house and be racked with panic to the point of not being able to go inside. I want to see my siblings so badly, but seeing her makes it harder for me to be okay even on the days when I don’t see her. This is just a tough situation for me, and I’d appreciate any kind of support right now. ❤️ #CPTSD #ComplexPTSD #PTSD #Abuse #panic

25 reactions 7 comments

Hi, I’m wunchtimeisover and I’m here because my anxiety and panic makes it hard for me to function sometimes, so I joined seeking some support.

#Anxiety #panic

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How do I explain myself to my dentist…?

So, when I was 7 years old I had a pretty horrific dentist experience. Basically, I had to have a tooth removed. But the dentist said that because it was a baby tooth, I wouldn’t need any numbing injections. He was dead-fricking-wrong. I remember some nurses holding me down, my mum shouting, and what I can only describe as a pair of pliers. I remember screaming, and there being a lot of blood.

So for years I’ve been terrified of them. I couldn’t even walk on the same street as a dentist’s office without having a panic attack. In the last couple of years I’ve had to have my GP give me diazepam (Valium) just so I can sit in the damn chair. I’ve slowly built trust with my dentist, and I don’t need a huge dose to get me in the chair anymore.

Anyway, late last year I finally got to a point where I no longer needed to have any more work done. I’ve had four teeth removed (thankfully back ones), and several fillings. At least 9 of them. Since I started going regularly a couple of years ago, I’ve learned how to brush and floss properly. And according to the dentist at my last appointment last year, since brushing and flossing properly, I’ve managed to reverse the remaining decay I had left. Or, the start of the decay that was there.

But here’s the thing… The last 3-4 months have been so so stressful. I really stopped taking care of myself. I stopped washing regularly, I stopped eating properly and consumed loads of sugar (I’m type 2 diabetic), I stopped brushing and flossing my teeth, I barely took my medication… I was spiralling into an abyss. I felt angry and hopeless literally 24/7…

Then 6 weeks ago I spoke to my GP who then increased one of my antidepressants. Finally, a few weeks ago I started to feel a bit more like myself and I started taking care of myself better.

I’m overdue for a dental checkup and I’m just so scared. I’m worried they’ll be mad, and lecture me or judge me. And I’m also worried that I’m going to have to have more teeth removed… Any time I think about making the appointment I panic all over again and get really overwhelmed… What should I do? How do I explain myself in a way they’ll understand?

Any and all advice is greatly appreciated and welcomed.

#AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #POTS #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #EDS #jointhypermobility #NAFLD #LiverDisease #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Diabetes #Migraines #InterstitialCystitis #IBS #GERD #AcidReflux #Dentist #mouthproblems #Advice #Depression #Anxiety #panic

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Sorry this post is late. Better late than never.

Picture Description: You're a fighter. Look at everything you've overcome. Don't give up now. #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #panic

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See full photo

Sorry this post is late. Better late than never.

Picture Description: You're a fighter. Look at everything you've overcome. Don't give up now. #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #panic

1 reaction

Lost. No way out. (TW)

I have struggled with mental illness for 25 years. Agoraphobia (can’t leave the house alone) depression, GAD, severe panic disorder, monophobia (can’t be alone for a second), claustrophobia, BPD… just as a starting point.

I have been in the system since I was 16, I’m 48 in a few weeks. I have had therapy, more therapy that I can’t to recount. Different kinds of therapy. Medications. Tried ALL the medications. I have practised everything I’ve been taught over the years but I am simply stuck in a hole, one that’s getting deeper and deeper with each breath I take. I have ZERO quality of life. I have no life. I can’t go anywhere/do anything. I have to be ‘babysat’. My panic attacks are so severe that I end up trying to hurt myself to make them stop. I’ve been banned from the few places I was able to run in and out of (with my safe person) due to the ‘fuss’ I cause when I panic.

I’m done with this.
I’ve lost my 20s, 30s and almost my 40s.

Problem with my panic attacks is that I am one of those rare people who actually passes out, my body kinda says ‘nah, no thank you’ and I hit the floor, that’s after I’ve been pulling my hair out, shouting, screaming, losing my mind.

I legitimately have no clue which was to turn. I’ve meditated my f’ arse off, but here I am, praying for death.

Life is f’ up.
I know, I know I should be grateful I’m healthy, but I’m not healthy either! Mentally ill, physically ill.

I’m 47, living with my mum because I can’t be alone.

This is what it’s come to.

I’m done.
#Agoraphobia #Depression #GAD #PanicDisorder #PanicAttacks #Monophobia #BPD #panic

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Anyone struggle with social anxiety?

Was a good day today I helped out with something for a community event, putting posters around about a mental health support to raise awareness for people that need it in my town/city. But a bit of social anxiety having to interact and ask reception etc about being able to put it up. Etc I’m lucky I’m half extroverted half introverted but some situations still make my social anxiety :/ a little high. #SocialAnxiety #Anxiety #panic #worry #Silly #DoingMyBest

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Health anxiety

A few months ago I had to go to the hospital. I was having severe back pain that was all encompassing and horrible. This last time was the third time it happened. One time my mom and I went into the hospital, the second time the pain passed before we got to the hospital, and the third time was the last time. My dad and I were there for hours. I had thought it was gas( that’s what they said the first time) and I was just praying they would give me strong antacids or stomach soothers. And they did. And it didn’t help. In fact, the pain got worse. They took blood and found that my liver enzymes were high and my white blood cell count was high, which made the PA think it was my gallbladder. She sent me for an ultrasound and it revealed my gallbladder was full of stones and that I was having gallbladder attacks (extremely painful movement of gallstones within the gallbladder typically brought on by fatty food). She said she was going to call a surgical team and the surgical team agreed that I needed surgery and that I would likely have it that day. I was admitted. I was there all night (we had gone at around 11:40 the previous night and i was told about surgery around 6am) and all day and I had the surgery around 6ish. Ever since, my health anxiety has been rampant. Every time my back hurts I get nervous, if my stomach feels strange (hurts, gas, etc.) I get nervous. I’m terrified of throwing up and I’m terrified of back pain. I see a therapist and an acupuncturist but it’s always there in the back of my mind.

Any advice? Similar stories? #Health anxiety #panic attacks #GallbladderDisease #cholecystectomy

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Anxiety Near Panic #PTSD

My anxiety is becoming an even bigger problem than usual. I won't go into detail but I have a life changing event coming up soon and it is giving me so much anxiety that I feel triggered. In fact I'm worried about getting triggered during this event. I haven't been able to focus on anything and I've been near obsessing. It's just what happens when I'm anxious. But this anxiety is near panic and though I've tried to not think or worry about it there's not much I feel like I can do. I'm really struggling right now not to mention that I'm also kinda depressed because of the Bipolar Disorder, so I'm really in a tough spot. Even just thinking about or talking about the event makes me really anxious that I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. I know I should practice grounding techniques but that's really hard right now. Any advice or encouragement would be appreciated. Thank you.

#abusesurvivor #panic #needhelp

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Meditation - Breathing is my Blessing!

Ugh! its morning again??!!

As someone with OCD and GAD there are many mornings I wake up afraid to get out of bed. My brain starts its "what if" generator specifically curated for the day - if I'm working its "what if I don't do a good enough job today," if there is a doctor's appointment its "what if I'm late" - even visiting the hair salon can be a stressor, "what if I don't like the cut and have to tell my stylist..." Hooray for Anxiety!!!

And as soon as the "what ifs" start so do the heart palpitations and the sweating, etc. etc. etc...

Needless to say I have never been a huge fan of mornings but like everyone else I have to get out of bed (sometimes more sloth-like than human) and start the day. I needed to find a coping tool to make this process a little easier for me.

I have used a form of meditation for many years but it wasn't until 2019 that I became a regular practitioner. Now every morning when the "what ifs" start and my body responds with its "fight or flight" business, I have a method to quiet both body and mind. My morning meditation is simple and requires little time. However, the beauty of this mental practice as I have learned after further research is that meditation is limited only by your own creativity and personal preferences. One can incorporate words, music and even nature sounds to name a few variations.

Getting back to my personal morning mediation - its basic but effective for me. All it involves is breathing, counting and focus. I start slowly counting to 100 - taking two deep breaths for each number and focusing only on the inhalation and exhalation of breath. Sounds easy right- not so fast... As anyone with a brain can tell you sometimes the hardest thing to do is maintaining focus on one concept. Every time my mind wanders off my breath - I focus it back on the process of inhaling and exhaling. And I guarantee your mind will wander and wander and you will have to refocus many times in just one session.

But at the end of this simple daily exercise, I find that I am calmer, my body's nervous system a little quieter and it is easier to embrace the day at hand.

The beauty of meditation is that it takes only minutes to learn but a lifetime to master. As a daily practitioner you learn that it is neither a race nor a contest to be won - simply a mental exercise to continue practicing daily. And as a daily practitioner you are rewarded with a calmer, more peaceful demeanor.

If you are interested in learning more about mediation I have listed several good books and apps below - which can be used by beginner to long-time practitioner alike...

Several books to read:

Wherever You Go There You Are - Jon Kabat-Zinn

Meditation is Not What You Think - Jon Kabat- Zinn

Two apps to explore



I wish you peace on your future meditation journey...

#OCD #Anxiety #panic #GAD #Meditation

4 reactions