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    Community Voices

    What a difference a year makes

    <p>What a difference a year makes</p>
    21 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    January 11th, 2021 “Recovery Fatigue”

    <p>January 11th, 2021 “Recovery Fatigue”</p>
    Community Voices

    January 8th, 2021

    <p>January 8th, 2021</p>
    Community Voices

    January 3rd, 2021

    Today, I want to use my ED symptoms to cope with something I’m dealing with. I want the distraction from my feelings I’m trying not to feel. I want to feel like I can fix things that I cannot fix. I can’t fix what’s causing me pain, but look what I can focus on and fix: my weight! My body. What I eat. I can fix and perfect that so I feel like I’m not completely helpless in a situation. I may be helpless in some parts of my life, but hey! Look here! I’ve got control over this!

    It’s amazing how many ways it’s trying to sneak back in. It’s also hard to say no when I’m so incredibly depressed and hopeless about the situation. The depression strips me of my motivation. I’m too emotionally exhausted to care to try.

    I’m not giving up. That’s not what this is. I’m just venting. It’s hard. I want a distraction from what’s causing me turmoil. I want to feel like I have control over the outcome of something in my life. I want to prove I don’t need the thing that’s lacking here. But I do need it and that’s why I’m in so much pain without it.

    I’m trying to avoid feeling the things I’m feeling so that I don’t hurt. It’s not working, but it’s what I do.

    #AnorexiaNervosa #EatingDisorders #eatingdisordertreatment

    5 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    January 2nd, 2021 First day home from residential

    Today was my first day home. It was hard. I had my wife hide the scales as I almost didn’t make it past them in the bathroom. I knew I couldn’t keep up the resistance. Now I don’t see them, but I know they’re probably easy to find. It’s easier to resist looking for them than it is to resist getting on one when it’s staring at me. And yes, I own multiple scales. I couldn’t trust just one.

    The day was hard. It is really hard to keep up recovery once I’m home. The eating disorder can be enthralling and manipulative. It lurks in the shadows, whispering its lies in an attempt to slink its way back into my life. I’ve let it twice now.

    All day, it whispered how I don’t need to eat this much. No one is watching me now, not as closely as when I was there. No one is giving me a supplement when I don’t finish my meal.

    “Just leave a little bit on your plate,” it whispers, “No one is making you finish it. If someone says something, tell them you’re full”.

    “You can skip a snack or two,” it tries again, “Just a little less food a day can’t hurt”.

    It tells me this as it reminds me how much weight I’ve gained. It dangles the idea of weighing myself at me again. It has me look down and see my body, now full of life rather than skin and bones.

    “Just a few pounds less,” it purrs, “We won’t fall down the rabbit hole again. Just a few pounds is all”.

    But that’s how it starts.

    That’s always how it starts.

    And I’m not falling for it.

    No matter how much it is trying to make me hate myself and my body right now, I can’t go back.

    It’s been a very, very hard day struggling to keep up with recovery now that I’m home.

    I’m so glad I’m starting PHP Tuesday. I need the support. I need the help in transitioning back to my life without my eating disorder. I need all the help I can get to stave off the cunning bastard.

    #AnorexiaNervosa #EatingDisorders #eatingdisordertreatment

    Community Voices

    December 31st, 2020 “Goodbye ED”

    <p>December 31st, 2020 “Goodbye ED”</p>
    Community Voices

    December 30th, 2020 “Preparations”

    <p>December 30th, 2020 “Preparations”</p>
    4 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    December 30th, 2020

    So Seeds of Hope has to temporarily shut down. Their nursing director left and they couldn’t find a new one. We all have to be out by Saturday. Since I was already discharging soon, I will just be going home and starting PHP. I’m scared. I don’t know if I’m ready to leave yet, but I don’t have a choice. Well, I kind of do. I could transfer to another place. But I think that would just be harder on me. The girls were assuring me I’d be okay. That I’m an entirely different person than when I came in. And that I’ve mentioned that I feel I can and will follow my meal plan when I go home. And I’ll have the support of PHP 5 days a week. And of my family.

    I’m still scared.

    #AnorexiaNervosa #EatingDisorders #eatingdisordertreatment #ResidentialTreatment

    Community Voices

    December 29th, 2020

    <p>December 29th, 2020</p>
    Community Voices

    December 8th, 2020

    Today, we had a new admission. She’s 27. Finally someone a little closer to my age. She’s very overwhelmed, as we all were when we first came. This also helps me see how far I’ve come.

    Today, we got our snack list and menu for the week. We don’t choose meals, but we can choose our snacks (we are given options based on what the snack should be. For example, 1 protein exchange and one fruit exchange). They handed me my old meal plan, which only had 1 exchange for first and second snack. Instead of going with it and attempting to eat less, I told them I had the wrong menu. That my meal plan was upped. I am proud of myself.

    I asked about figuring out a discharge date for me. I am seeing my progress, and holding myself accountable. And I will have the support of the Partial Hospital Program (PHP) 5 days a week when I go home. I think I’m about ready. Next week or the week after.

    #AnorexiaNervosa #EatingDisorders #eatingdisordertreatment #ResidentialTreatment