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What a difference a year makes

A year ago I was clinically emaciated, and going through refeeding.

I’m glad I documented this process because it helps me remember how hard it was. It wasn’t just that month in residential. It took months to be able to eat again without my eating disorder screaming at me. It whispers, now. It whispers and I can tell it to fuck off.

My therapist told me she can literally tell when I haven’t eaten that day. She can tell by my mood. And she is never wrong when she calls me out on it. It was eye opening to see just how much starvation effects my depression.

So when I have to force myself to eat, that realization has helped probably more than anything else has. I ask myself, is this worth my happiness? When I feel depressed I’d give anything to not feel that way. And this is one of those things I can do. I can nourish my body to nourish my mind.

I’ve said more than a few times this year, as my eating disorder attempts to sneak it’s way back into my life, that I never want to have to come back from that again. And I’m not certain my body could handle another relapse, to be honest. #Anorexia #AnorexiaNervosa #EatingDisorder #eatingdisordertreatment #EatingDisorderRecovery #Residential #ResidentialTreatment #MentalIllness #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #Recovery #growth #Healing

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I was honest with my therapist today.

She suggested going back into residential for a week or so to stabilize while we adjust my meds.
I don’t really want to, but I’m not entirely closed to the idea.

We’ll see what happens.

Medical called and we set up a zoom appointment for tomorrow morning to adjust my meds. They asked if they could call me again in an hour to check in. These people are truly amazing.

I’m taking it a moment at a time.

#CPTSD #MentalIllness #Trauma #Residential #Recovery #IOP #PTSD #treatment

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I’m not ready to close this chapter, yet.

I’m leaving residential in 2-3 weeks. I’m sad this time is ending. It was amazing. I was surrounded by people I love, who love me. I was doing hard work to heal AND having fun. Now some people have left, and others are leaving soon, and I’ll be leaving. This amazing chapter in my life is ending and I don’t want it to. I want to stay here with everyone. I want to keep being surrounded by the people who love me and keep me safe and hug me.

I’m literally grieving that this time is ending. I’m scared I won’t be loved like this again. Surrounded by love and support, laughter and fun. I won’t be able to get a hug when I’m sad.

The loneliness that is always piercing my heart and soul was gone for a moment and it felt amazing. I don’t want to go back to feeling that intense loneliness and emptiness ALL THE TIME. I don’t want to leave these people. I don’t want to feel awful all the time, again.

I’m scared to go back and drown in my pain all alone, again.
I need these people.
I need them near me.

I’ll still have the residents, but I can’t talk to the staff for 2 years. I need them. What if they don’t care anymore in 2 years? What if they forget me?

I don’t want to be without the amazing people here I’ve grown to love, and who love me. And I KNOW they love me. That’s huge.

My case manager says I will find new people. That I didn’t expect to find and love these ones. But no one else will compare to how close we all got and how amazing they all are.

I don’t want this chapter in my life to close, yet.
I’m sad.

#ResidentialTreatment #Residential #Friendship #Depression #growth #movingon #change #Anxiety #Fear #grieving

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I haven’t written in a while.

I’ve been in residential for 2 months now. I’m staying 90 days, I believe. I get EMDR 3-5 times a week. It’s intense, but it’s helping. My alters are feeling more comfortable here. They’re coming out around people more and I’m not hiding when it happens. My case manager encouraged me to tell the people here about my DID. I was apprehensive. I thought everyone would see me as crazy and treat me differently. They didn’t, and they don’t. It’s so freeing to just be me, whoever I am at the time. I don’t want to go back home and into hiding. I may tell some people back home.

My insurance wanted to kick me out of here and send me to an eating disorder residential place, because I was losing too much weight. So I had to get a better handle on my eating disorder so I could stay here. I need to work on what’s underneath it if I want it to ever be okay. The trauma work I’m doing here is what will help.

They talk about the pendulum here. Going into the darkness, and then into the light. With all the EMDR work we need fun, too. So we go on “experiential”. We went car bashing (after writing to someone we are upset with and reading the letter). We went ziplining (fears can be good, and overcoming them). We go on a lot of hikes and it’s so amazing hiking in the mountains. We are learning how to healthily dip our toe into trauma, and then naturally pull ourselves back out of it.

I’m struggling with the desire to move out here. I have a roommate if I want to. But I can’t do that to the kids. I’d only see them in the summers. So I have to go back.

I’m doing good work here, even if some days feel like hell. That’s healing, I guess.

#Residential #ResidentialTreatment #ResidentialCare #emdr #Therapy #ExperientialTherapy #DID #DissociativeIdentityDisorder