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January 8th, 2021

I started the partial hospitalization program (PHP) on Tuesday. We log on after eating breakfast, then discuss what we had for breakfast, how we felt after, what we had for dinner and snacks after programming the night prior, and how we felt after those. We have snack and lunch in the program, which is much weirder to do virtually than when I was in IOP treatment physically in 2005. It’s not as weird as I thought it’d be though.

Each week we have a menu that tells us what meals to have prepared each day for lunch. Today was stir fry consisting of our amount of exchanges of protein, veg, rice or pasta, and teriyaki sauce. I have never made stir fry, and can barely boil water, so I was pretty intimidated. I managed to make it all on my own without any recipes or anything. I was terrified it would taste awful, but it actually came out pretty decent.

On the emotions side of things I’ve been completely hating my body with the weight I’ve gained while in residential. I’ve resisted all urges to weigh myself. I haven’t known my weight since the morning I was admitted when I checked it before I left home- so December 7th. They weighed us daily, but didn’t show us the number. I actually pulled the scale out and started to step on it today before stopping myself. Knowing my weight will only make keeping up with my meal plan that much harder.

But at least I have learned to cook and bake so many different things. It probably would’ve been easier and cheaper (and had so much less crying) to take a cooking class, but it would’ve been a lot less interesting.

#AnorexiaNervosa #EatingDisorders #eatingdisordertreatment #PartialHospitalizationProgram


When Better Is A Jouney, Not A Destination

Somehow, after successfully completely two different treatment programs, attending years of consistent therapy, finding a helpful combination of meds, and being incredibly open about my story and diagnoses, I somehow began to operate under this unspoken pressure to be “better.”

With the holiday season and now the arrival of the long awaited “2020” year, I noticed something. By advocating for therapy and the freedom to feel and express emotions, I started to place this barrier between . I often talk about how finishing treatment and taking my meds doesn’t mean I never struggle - it just means I now have more tools to handle bad days. Yet, for some reason, when bad days come, I feel this weight of condemnation. I catch myself saying “This should not be happening.” When I am symptomatic, I hate myself for having an illness. With the new release of my debut single as an artist, of my hopeful anthem “This Is It” and the almost completion of my EP Brave Enough, I have become aware of an intensifying need to be “better.” Better in this use of the word doesn’t mean “improvement” - it means “cured” and “perfect” and “beyond that whole ‘mental illness thing’.

One of my favorite things I learned in treatment was the existence of dialectics, a world in which two distinct things need not be mutually exclusive. Sometimes I don’t treat myself like I can live in that world, while simultaneously giving everyone else the grace to live there. Lately, I’ve been treating myself like I can’t be encouraging and inspirational and also struggle, like I can’t be better and still in the process of healing, and like I can’t sing life into hopeless places and sometimes have doubt myself. So, to combat this, I decided to connect with others who know this plight. I decided to not isolate myself from people with minds and heart ssimilar to mine. It’s somewhat intimidating... AND I can be hesitant and still be brave. I’d love to build connections with others who might feel like this too. I know I’m not the only one. Today, I join the community. #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #CyclothymicDisorder #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #MoodDisorders #MoodStabilizers #AnorexiaNervosa #AtypicalAnorexia #BulimiaNervosa #EDNOS #OSFED #progressnotperfection #ResidentialTreatment #Inpatient #IntensiveOutpatientProgram #PartialHospitalizationProgram #Selfharm #stability #Isolation #Music #MightyPoets #MightyMusic


Self Harm Urges

About a month ago I self-harmed for the first time in 5 years. Since then I’ve self-harmed 7 times. My doctor placed me in a partial hospitalization program. I’m trying so hard to resist urges to self-harm, but it’s a struggle. I haven’t self-harmed in 2 weeks, but I really want to; it’s almost like I need to. #Selfharm #PartialHospitalizationProgram

1 comment

partial hospitalization?? #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

my psychiatrist and psychologist both think I need to do a partial hospitalization program. I'm extremely anxious about doing something like that. Anyone have any experience in a similar program good or bad that could give me some info on what it's like. #PartialHospitalizationProgram

1 comment

Partial Hospitalization Program for Trauma PTSD

I recently started my PHP for trauma/PTSD. And I’ve had some bad days. But I really love it. I think this is what I finally needed for me...and for my wife and future family.
But today is a bad day. I don’t think I can do this anymore. Any of it. My wife probably hates me. I hurt her feelings more than I could ever apologize for. I should never had said it. And I just want to run away and never come back. I love her. And I hurt her...😭 why?...I feel like she doesn’t listen to me. Or understand me. And she will never understand completely. But I need her to try harder even though she says she is trying. I can’t do this on my own.
Please everyone. Just send positive thoughts for us right now? Please. #PartialHospitalizationProgram #Depression
#DissociativeIdentityDisorder #Anxiety

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#Php #PartialHospitalizationProgram #PTSD #SexualAssault #SexualTrauma

I started PHP yesterday after a very rough two weeks at home with suicidal ideation. Has anyone else been in this form of treatment with positive results? Everyone there seems super nice and I want to continue the treatment but my mental illness is from the trauma of sustained sexual assault. It sucks to even talk about it.

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Can anyone relate? #Depression #Anxiety #Insomnia #PartialHospitalizationProgram

I did some journaling on my phone today and I meant to ask some questions in my group today. Can someone help me process these thoughts. Does anyone feel the same way sometime. Just want to see if anyone else experiences the same things.


Ugh this dumb app keeps freezing

I've been accepted to a LGBTQ-specific PHP and will start Monday. At 5 hours long, the program is an hour shorter than all the others I've been in, so I'm happy about that, but the traffic will be a challenge. #PartialHospitalizationProgram #LGBTQ