Feels

There’s this guy that I really really like that I met online... so I started a conversation with him and we really hit it off well these last few weeks... so last night we stayed up late chatting about stuff and right before sleeping I told him that I like him... and went on to tell him what I like about him... like a really long paragraph of exactly what... but turns out that he has a girlfriend🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️ it’s sad coz I really hoped that it would work out somehow... he was kind enough regarding the whole situation... but today I feel like I shouldn’t back off 🤷🏽‍♀️ and I know it’s wrong but still. #Feels #Love #Dilemma #Anxiety

Sometimes I feel ashamed because I feel jealous. Then I feel depressed and saddened by all of it combined. That can easily become strong feelings of guilt that I cannot escape from. The guilt feels come and go whenever they please, much like the other feels. The guilt is a powerful feel. It can torment you and all the other feels. Finding faint reminders of old shame feels, anger feels... fueling the oppressive power it already has. Once it wanes... sad feels take over for the release. Occasionally pain feels accompany the sad feels. Tears flow and you tell yourself and your feels all the things, but above all else, tell them all... “Be Free Of It.”

#ADHD #Feels #Depression #Mindfulness #MentalHealth #Anxiety #CPTSD #EpsteinbarrVirus

My other half looks after me. My other half ensures that I will never do anything that could endanger my life or the life of those around me. My other half forced me to do time consuming and pointless tasks time and time again. But my other half assures me that these tasks are not pointless, my other half tells me that for myself personally these tasks are as vital as breathing and as my heart beating. It says that I must do these tasks or else I will die.

My other half tends to introduce me to friends of his, he calls them anxiety and fear. Sometimes anxiety stays for a long time, I don't like her and once fear slept in my bed for weeks. But by far the worse friend of my other half’s is compulsions. Compulsions is almost always with my other half. Compulsions forces me to do what he says. You never don’t do what he says because then he locks you in the cage. So when compulsions visit and teams up with my other half I have to serve all day and night doing seemingly meaningless and stupid tasks. Sometimes it’s embarrassing and other people laugh at me, but they wont let me stop. And I wouldn’t dare stop or argue otherwise compulsions and my other half will put me in the cage.

The cage is dark and cold. Compulsions and fear made the cage for my better half and is always in the cage with me, I really don’t like her. My other half says its for my own good as he throws away the key. I am put in the cage with it's cool iron bars every time change occurs, if I can’t stop change I get locked in the cage. My other half says that it’s safe for me in there. But I don't feel safe in the cage. when i’m in the cage compulsions gets really angry and makes me work for him 24/7, even though i’m tired and just want to stop he won't let me.

The worst part about when compulsions visit is his wife, what if? She only talks to me at night but it’s horrible and sometimes she brings fear in with her. What if? Likes to tell me stories about what will happen to me if I don't do what compulsions says. She also shows me movies and videos about what will happen. What if? Sleeps with me every night that compulsions visits, she sometimes wraps her sharp talons around my wrists just to remind me that she’s there.

My other half whispers in my ear all day and all night long. My other half says it’s saving me, but part of me says its killing me.
#Anxiety #Depression

I have the feeling to cut. It’s been a month since the last time I did it. I have been working hard at catching the feelings and distracting or working through them. But this afternoon nothing is working. The urge is taking over. The anxiety in me is so high, the sadness so strong and I know one thing that will take it all away. I am writing hoping that it all of it will pass as I write.