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Response to a post

Of course, I can't now find the post, but it said "its ok to be ok". It hit so many check marks for me. I was unwanted..and somehow compounded that error by being born a useless worthless female instead of the expected son and heir. My mom was basically a non participant in my life, doing bare minimum. My dad was Jekyll or Hyde..for 20 years then I married to escape and ended up in a loveless abusive relationship with a narcissistic sociopath bully, 36 years when he hit me the second time. I tried counseling but before the divorce no one talked about ptsd or cptsd in non veterans. After the divorce, I ran out of money before I could start really healing. So in all my life its never been okay to be okay. I don't know what that will look like, and I am tired of being overlooked, disrespected and disregarded. People have always ( and I do mean always) treated me like a halfwitted dumb blonde..and while I have had moments of not knowing the right thing to do, I am not a stereotype. I am the perfect guardian as I can size up a potential threat in zero seconds. But acting like my best self? I don't know. #Itsoktonotbeok , but I really want #itsoktobeok .

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Three Day Rule #SuicideLossSurvivors #Family #Feels #Itsoktonotbeok

In our household we have a three day rule. When you need to go dark. Go dark, be sad, be angry, feel everything you need to and as deep as you need to. On day four get it out, write it out, shout it out, hit the punching bag, throw rocks. Process and let go and grow.
I’m in my three day rule, as the year comes to an end. I’m utterly aware that I no longer have a father, a mother that has never been a mother and is fading soon to be gone, a brother who is desperately ill and never to be seen and if seen again not sure of the outcome. While yes there is a release to that there is a sadness so deep like that of a rip current threatening to drag me out to sea... thankfully I know to swim parallel to the shore to survive. I will #SurviveAndThrive I always do. The journey just is sometimes a bit much.


Empath Overwhelm? ( I need to rant also :)

This past year I’ve struggled a lot emotionally , in a previous post I think I alluded to some of these feelings of lashing out and feeling resentful. I loved being there for others and helping out when I could but it was also taking a toll on me physically and emotionally. I was burned out but I didn’t know how to stop it was almost like I needed to feel needed and somehow lost myself along the way. It cost me too , I made friends quickly but lost them just as fast. Recently I had a falling out with a friend and it was ugly , this though had more to do with her than me but it basically ended in her accusing me of extreme paranoia, passive, manipulative , possibly schizophrenic etc. that’s fair considering she put up with me complaining nonstop about life...
But is it really though ? Considering that she was just as equally guilty in complaining nonstop to me as well when it was convient to do so and what’s more she didn’t even have to decency to tell me all those things herself but rather had someone else text them to me. So no , I take it back its not fair and she’s a shit but that’s besides the point.
I was blindsided and hurt and in the wake of everything that has happened with Covid-19 felt vulnerable and those feelings of resentment and anger only amplified . For a while I thought, “oh my god! Maybe she’s right !” Is this how others see me? I realized for me to even consider what she said to even to be true was ludicrous . Nothing is wrong with me and it took for her to end our friendship for me to realize and I need to to step back and re-evaluate and take care of myself so I can continue to show up for others. Now more than ever with this pandemic we need to be kind to one another and more importantly ourselves . #CheckInWithMe#Selfcare#Loveyourselffirst #EverythingsGoingToBeOkay #Bekind #Bekinder#LoveOneAnother #Itsoktonotbeok

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It’s Ok To Not Be Ok

It’s ok to not be ok

This picture you see I’m smiling. But in reality. I’ve Been struggling, everyone ask if I’m ok. I smile and say yes. They ask how I am, I reply with fine or I’m good or I’m alright. But tbh I’m not. My health has been getting worse. I can feel myself getting more depressed each day. (Not to any where serious.) I feel my anxiety rising. I can’t do things I want to do anymore. I can’t do simple task without feeling like my body gonna give. I’ve been falling, tripping, dizzy, headaches by doing simple task. My husband sees me struggle each day. Just to do laundry or make our bed. By doing errands, or even bending down and getting back up. I know he worried but doesn’t ask if I’m ok because he knows I will lie and say yes. I have pains through out each day....I wanna tell people but I feel like they say it’s all in my head. They say your too young to be in pain. Your too young to have all these issues. I may only be 24... but I have the body of a 100 year old. My friends wanna go to park, on hike, driving around. Like we use to do... sometimes I lie and say ok as if I can do it. Then I will suffer consequences. I can’t do those things... if I do I feel like I’m dead after. I feel like if I Say no...I’m weak.... My body will be in so much pain.... I can’t work because of reasons. It all on my husband and I feel bad for having him work and I can’t. I wanna cry, I wanna give up... but I can’t... idk what else to do... there so much more I wish I could say... but for now... I will lie here in pain....
#ItsOK #Itsoktonotbeok #Pain

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I spoke on a podcast

I spoke on a podcast called the rural compass episode 13 about my struggles with mental health & my passion for helping others. Let me know what you think if you have a listen #MentalHealth #Depression #Itsoktonotbeok


today is the best i have felt in several weeks.
i woke up feeling so relaxed, carefree, and just happy. simply at ease. i don't know what clicked, but that's unfortunately what happens with my illness. i unfortunately feel to hard and see the world as black and white. i give it my all and care to much, or i feel nothing. the littlest triggers can send me flipping through rage, fear of abandonment, self hatred, anxiety. waves of possessiveness, worthlessness, crying outburs. blank, numb, afraid. bodyaches and fatigue to insomnia. every emotion you can feel, happens. i can not control the flips, as i like to call them. all i know is i am so sorry and just embarrassed after it happens. only my closest friends and family know about this. they have unfortunately see these episodes, weather minor or severe. i know its wrong and unfair to everyone. i have struggled since i was young but it's become worse over the last few years. i am finally learning how to deal with this and getting all the help i can after making a pact with a dear friend.
all i know is, today i felt like myself again. i even danced and sang in the shower.
feeling good is worth celebrating. especially after a long gap of darkness.
#BPD #selfhelp #Selflove #dontbeafraidtoaskforhelp #Itsoktonotbeok #happymomentsareworthcelebrating #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder