Flake

I see friends and people I work with on Facebook, going out and having a great time. They stopped inviting me to events..they say I’m a flake.
They don’t understand that I want to go. I want to go out and have a social life. I want to have fun. But it’s so hard.
They don’t understand that just because I want to be out and about, it doesn’t mean my body will allow it.
I’m excited to hang out with people until the day comes. My anxiety doesn’t want me to take a shower, my anxiety doesn’t want me to brush my teeth, my doesn’t want me to dry my hair and put on makeup...
I flake. I’m just too depressed to even make up an excuse. My body starts to ache and I cry myself to sleep.
When I wake up I check on Facebook and Instagram....they had a great time..without me..again. The feelings of loneliness creep up on me.
All I want is to be invited again. Even though I don’t make it out much, just them inviting me is enough. Enough to prevent some of the bad thoughts.
I wish people could understand.

#betrayal #Depression #Anxiety #NoSocialLife #Flake #Loneliness #imsorry

I recently left a #PsychiatricHospital after an 8 day stay for #Selfharm , #SuicideIdeation , and #PTSD symptoms like #Insomnia and #Flashbacks .

I feel better, but am still not comfortable being in the house by myself. Before #Hospitalization I started using some of my #anxious energy to make and fix things. I have been in the wedding industry so the items I made were things I knew lacking in that market; and I also upcycle antiques for those who like antique-chic or the rustic feel for weddings or home decor. My husband thinks I take on too much; but I do this on my own time and stop when I’m tired.

So today, my husband is going to play golf with my father-in-law for FIL’s bday, my oldest daughter is working a double, and my youngest has a debate tournament. I signed myself up for a market-show so I would also be busy - but both my #Therapist and my husband tell me that market shows are too much for me (last time I did one I DID have a #PanicAttack because the show planner was very disorganized and the parking area was changed to about a half mile out and I had no help getting everything set-up. Also, I knew I would not be able to find where I was parked when the show was over). All of that won’t happen this time. But instead, I lose the entry fee, I look like a #Flake to the show planners, I feel #Incompetant , and I’ll be alone after all.

I know I am #Bipolar2 (among a few other things), but I have many accomplishments under my belt. This is a tiny thing compared to some of those and I need to feel trusted AND have some freedom here; not be treated like a prisoner in my own home - as if I was still hospitalized. Leaving me alone is even more anxiety-provoking for me.

~ CFO no longer

Flake

I don’t want to be left #alone

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