betrayal

I recently joined 'reddit' and posted a comment on a self harm scar. My comment was insensitive and I will not repeat it here. It was the reply that I received which really opened my eyes to my own trauma.

The reply from the "redditor" was "I am sorry you are feeling powerless over your own body". I never thought about it this way. I know one thing for sure. The trauma took something away from me that day. It took my confidence and my care free attitude and left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I want that happy go lucky kid back. The other side of the argument is finally growing up and entering the 'real world'. It could be a combination of both although I consider it was mostly my poor decisions catching up with me.

12 long years have passed since I was assaulted and time has done little to heal the pain. I am just as angry and grief stricken as the day the incident occurred. I was not in control of the situation and maybe this is why I feel the way that I do?

Revenge plays on my mind a lot and I catch myself drifting in and out of seeking vengeance. I have medication which temporarily assists in levelling my emotions and focusing on the here and now.

My mind will play tricks on me from time to time; starting me off on a road of revenge only to lead me to grief and misery. I am of the belief that revenge will do little to heal my pain as the damage has well and truly been done.

#power #powerless #MightyTogether #TheMighty #Friends #foes #Love #hate #betrayal #Depression #ChronicFatigue #PTSD #Pain #suffering #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Scars #Trauma #Revenge #rut #despair #hopelessness #self #Selfesteem #Confidence #Happiness #Hope #pleasure #Healing #Recovery #Addiction #selfmedicate #Hope #Emotion #CPTSD #Grief #Survivor

I get very angry because I am frustrated at my own decisions. I beat myself up about the friends I kept and how they took advantage of me. I don't know why I am so angry when my mum is just trying to help. I think it's more to do with the fact I don't want these problems and I should never have to deal with them in the first place.

I kept bad company in my late teens and was getting into a lot of trouble. I need to remind myself that none of the decisions I made are my mothers fault - I need to start taking ownership of my own life. I was involved with the wrong crowd and I have to accept that nothing positive comes from that type of existence. I know it is difficult to come to terms with and I am deeply sorry for my decisions.

I want to stop getting angry at my mother and stop blaming her for all the negative events that were inevitably going to occur. I was not cut out for that life and my parents were trying to warn me before anything happened to me. Luckily I managed to survive without any major life changing events but I am left with the mental trauma that I am not equipped to deal with.

I need to stop getting angry and start living life on my terms. My time on this planet is not perfect and the decisions I make merely reflect an imperfect life.

#PTSD #anger #Depression #Sadness #Drugs #Addiction #Guilt #Friends #association #nobody #empty #assualt #Trauma #Pain #hurt #betrayal #lies #Truth #hate #End #time #Life #Happiness #dreams #Love #Positivity #Support #Love #Rage #control

Ever since reading about this TV show where a celeb crush I like plays a character who cheats on his wife (note, said celeb crush at least so far seems a nice guy who wouldn't do that), I am terrified of it happening to me. Though I know, since I myself am a performer, that you have to play some unlikable people after a certain point, I feel so tormented by it. I think I have developed a trigger for adultery. I am afraid of falling in love or getting into a relationship, but that I won't be attractive or good enough and their eyes will wander to someone better. I find myself obsessing over it and getting upset about it, even though it's never happened to me yet, and wondering how on earth will I cope. #Anxiety #triggers #Love #heartbreak #betrayal #Relationships #celebcrushes #cheating #Adultery #Advice #help #Fear

I went to the funeral of my aunt yesterday. My cousin and I were talking about the past. She told me that her family was visiting, and she was looking for me. We played in our huge basement a lot. My father was standing in front of the door and she asked to go down to play. My father told her no, that I was down there with my brother.
It shattered me. All this time I wanted to believe they didn’t know. To find out that my dad allowed it is devastating.

My boyfriend and I haven't been on the best terms. August he found out the ugly side of my past I tried to hide away and he helped me break down so many defense mechanisms that kept me from being who I need to be. Now I brought up my past as a drunken accident and he feels betrayed again because his suspicions now feel "justified" in a way. And this is where it gets blurry for me. I was drunk, brought up the past as an effort of honesty and yet he feels betrayed. And calls me a manipulator and sketchy and "doesn't even know who I am" anymore. Where do I even go from here? I love him deeply but I'm losing my mind not sure how to be myself anymore. I feel I'm losing my myself because every time he says he doesn't know who I am, Im starting to feel I don't know who I am either cause my past self is gone and present me is an anxious wreck, and the future is so uncertain. He wants truth, but even if I tell him the truth he doesn't ever believe me. I thought we moved past this but we havent it seems.
#betrayal

💥WOW SO MUCH TRUTH💥

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.

Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.

From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you.

From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart.

From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave.

From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when life got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.

From all the lies and all the betrayals.

You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.

Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE.

You learnt: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball... because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right?

You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.

Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak.

So, you don’t trust anyone.

And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people.

To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable.

“Never again,” you vow.

But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall.

Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either.

Fortresses and armor are for those in battle.

credit::22 Until None

I’m still trying to get over my ex of three months now and I went to a friend for some help and she had contacted him and had a group chat with the three of us to try sort shit out and now only to find out the two of them are going to start dating 😭😭 I literally went to this friend for some help and now she wants to be with my ex and has cut me off 😭😭 Actually feel so hurt and betrayed 😭😭 I don’t know how to even manage this at all 😭😭 #Depression #betrayal #worthless #Hatemyself

I've looked up my dream and it says it's a bad omen and I'm also being protected. In conclusion, death is near at all times so I need to move on and live it happily. If you want to know the full dream lemme know. #betrayal #Nightmares #Truth #dreams #regrets #MentalIllness #Anxiety #Death

I haven't posted for a while as things have been going fairly well. However, I've noticed signs of a relapse occurring and I feel the need to type and share my experience somehow, even if nobody reads this.

I am a retail manager and for someone with my highly anxious personality, it can sometimes prove to be a difficult and strange choice of career. I've always had a good relationship with the staff members that I work with and even considered my second in command a friend more than a colleague. This however has proven to be a mistake.
A few months ago, a note was left for my attention which read fairly aggressively that the stockroom had been tidied and a lot of words were underlined and punctuated with exclamation marks. This was unusual behaviour for someone who usually is very calm and composed. I then logged on to the computer and loaded up facebook to check on the business page and the colleague who had left the note had left her facebook logged in with her messages open.. which of course I read. Immediately I noticed my name in the chat and began to read and the more I scrolled, the more apparent it became that this colleague was not a friend but a complete back stabbing snake.
Some of the highlights were:
"I left a super passive agressive note haha maybe she'll get the picture"
"Oh she's just writing lists and getting angry"
"She's being a stroppy cow as per"
Boyfriend: "I don't get how she got that job"
Colleague: "I know haha"

This is someone I was giving driving lessons to, someone I spent hours with after work when she'd been crying over the boyfriend mentioned, someone I took food shopping, went clothes shopping with, so to read these conversations and learn of how she really felt about me was a real shock.
I feel like my judgement of character is totally skewed and my confidence in my role has been completely flattened. My other colleagues regularly tell me what a good manager I am and the feedback I get from my boss who is the owner of the business is that I do a fantastic job. Figures also reflect my performance and the happiness and motivation of staff do too.. so why am I obsessing over the "I don't know how she got that job" "I know haha"? How do I get over this? It's consuming me entirely and I cannot move on from it. I even spoke to her about the note and asked why she felt the need to write it, gave her the opportunity to come clean and she lied, telling me it was just heat of the moment and that there were other contributing factors. I also mentioned that she'd left her facebook open and that I'd seen the message regarding the note (didn't mention I'd seen the other messages) and she stuck to the same lie, telling me it was heat of the moment and frustration in other areas of her life.

It's made me hate everything about her, I don't want to come into work, I don't want to do my job anymore, further my career and it's thrown me right back in progressing with my mental health. What do I do?
#Depression #betrayal #Anxiety