My 4yo is sick with I don't know what. He's got spots and a fever, sometimes runny nose, sometimes congestion but the spots are only on his face and lower arms. He's been fully vaccinated so measles and pox seem unlikely. He just broke his fever thankfully. He fell asleep standing up next to my hospital bed tonight so I used all my strength to pull him up on my bed with me. Then he wanted his own bed when he kinda woke up. I'm bedridden, literally, cuz I don't even have a proper wheelchair (waiting for insurance etc) so I called my mom who we live with to help him to his bed and asked her if she had time to change me after please.
Because I've had my son with me for several hours and wear a diaper :( I did my best to hold my urine in but sometimes nature sucks... that by the time I got changed, my bedding was soiled as well. I hate when that happens which is rare. I'm embarrassed by it and hate it creates more laundry for my mom.
Tonight she called me the worst mom ever, Made fun of the fact that I've gained weight, a LOT, since my Guillain-Barre syndrome diagnosis. Said she should just kill me and feel better (she won't do it) . Don't worry, I'm 10000000% sure she wouldn't do it. It's the alcohol talking coupled with other frustrations. I'm just a captive audience.
She even went so far as to blame me, saying I love this. Telling me That I made this genetic immunologic disease happen. I wish I had that power!! I'm just as frustrated by everything as she is but I don't take it out on her. I just go with the flow. I write it out by posting blogs and praying on it.
Tonight I'm angry at myself because I reacted and responded to her in anger. I snapped. I told her to kill me if she thinks it'll help things. It pissed her off because I challenged her. I've listened to the blame game since 2020. I delayed my health for 2 reasons. Covid and she was hospitalized. I had a toddler and my 70yr old dad needed me to pick up where my mom left off. He wouldn't have been able to handle his life and my son while mom and I were in the hospital. So I waited for 5 days after she got home to get help. Here I am roughly 126.96.36.199 years out,
Unable to walk but I can hold my son,. Like I said, I snapped. There's only so much shi-take mushrooms someone can handle! Now that I've got this out, I'm gonna sleep and hopefully things will be better tomorrow, right? I'm still mad at myself but I'm not angry anymore. I'm "not letting the sun go down while I'm still angry" sorry to take up your time but thank you for reading. Night.