iquit

anybody got an older sibling that they can’t stop fighting with? she’s not a horrible person but the complete opposite and she’s a trigger for my ptsd. she would say mean things that i totally absorbed. i remember how i felt like it was yesterday when it was 30 years ago. sometimes i just want to run away from my entire family and disappear where they can’t ever find me. moms got bipolar with psychosis and dementia with paranoia. she’s getting treated but some days i feel like my whole life has been spent on nothing. my past life must have been good for my current one to be this awful. it’s never ever going to change bc there’s always something wrong w me. i hate my life. working very hard tonight to be numb (not dead) but numb.

Love the deepest cut I’ve ever had

I find myself wanting to distant myself from people, distant myself from reality just to get an escape I will do anything... it’s been 6 months of shear torture, something you won’t know... because at the end of the day nobody can compare to you, not one soul. You gave me life again where I had given up most on.. brought me back to life only to tear me to pieces in a matter of seconds, you made me out the bottle down but now I’m picking it back up, you made me put the razor blade down but now I feel the itch even greater then before.. every night and everyday is a battle just to put a smile on my face.. I am now just going through the motions of life, and in the end I really don’t feel anything... I don’t feel love for myself I don’t feel pain anymore.. honestly if someone were to walk away from me right now I probably couldn’t feel a thing.. you say you know this pain but you don’t... I can’t even love or begin to think about loving again... because it hurts so bad.. thinking about loving someone else and being a failure to them because I can’t love myself hurts... you were there for me whenever I needed you, sure sometimes I took it for granted but it was always you... it was always you that I wanted to come home to the one person I wanted to see at the end of the day and hug on an everyday basis... the one I wanted to kiss make love to and grow our family.. but it was all a lie, I loved you with all of my heart and soul. Do I say goodbye to life or do I try to keep pushing forward knowing it may never make a difference, when will I know what to do...
#Depression #lovehurts #iquit

I’m so tired. So exhausted. I hate my job. And I’m applying like crazy for other jobs. I hate my home life. And I’m saving like crazy to move out on my own. But I feel hopeless. I’m just so tired. Giving up seems so much easier than dealing with the pain and the hurt that I deal with every day. #Depression #alone #tired #giveup

Why bother when no one else does No friends just one and he is moving out of state in a few months. I keep my fortress always in tact and always building the walls higher and stronger. Why let anyone in Only to get hurt AGAIN when they drop you. I hate loneness but hate fakers just as much. Don't get mad at me and tell me you won't hang with me again if I take what you say and turn it around. Is that what a true friend does to you So I do what I do best push them away get back behind my wall and shut down. Is there happiness here Why am I still here Sometimes I think my only purpose in life is to show everyone else what NOT to do that my life sucks I hate it and just want to take myself out of the equation. Selfless #Depression #Sadness #MDD #SuicideOnTheBrain #iquit

I am to the point that I'm certain things will never get better. I need intensive therapy with at least a small handful of medications, but I just don't have the means to access these kinds of resources. My mental state, combined with my heavy substance abuse, prevents me from finding any help on my own. Everyone has given up on me, and once I've been abandoned there is no returning to how things used to be. Everyone knows I'm not well, but blame it on anything that keeps them from applying any effort in helping me. I'm too scared to commit suicide at this stage, but I really, REALLY want to die. Every day is like being tortured. Who would want to live if every day of their life was like being tortured by 1,000 demons?